Monday, February 1, 2016

WWE Raw 2-1-16

Brock's out to start the show. Dunn somehow pretty much misses Brock's big pyro and ring hop. Jesus. Brock also has a new Suplex City's the old one with red signs. Heyman delivers exposition so well - WE HAVE A LOT OF BUSINESS TO GO OVER. Love Paul calling HHH the billion dollar trophy husband that BROCK WILL CONQUER TO BECOME WORLD CHAMPION! Dean being given a chance to shine as THE MAN on Raw and he's delivering in spades. He welcomes a trip to suplex city and says he's the iron man. "The lucha lucha chant is all about fighting uphill battles!" Byron, you are factually wrong in many ways. Kalisto comes down to silence with ADR at ringside. Alberto's head sure looks big, while his arms and chest look a lot smaller. For some reason. OH MY GOD ALBERTO VS. KALISTO AGAIN at Fastlane. They had a nice little story with Kalisto winning 2 out of 3 and thus winning the feud. Nope - YOU GET BACK ON YOUR MID-CARD DREADMILL, DAMMIT.

Rusev vs. Kalisto - a nothing match that neither guy can really afford to lose. Boring action before a break. God, this commentary is just dreadful - JBL won't shut up. ADR distracts Rusev leading to him kinda eating offense, catching Kalisto on a slam, getting kicked into the steps and then we get some super-fakey bullshit with Rusev just throwing himself into the barricade off a rana. If you're WWE, you have several options to get over the idea of "Who is AJ Styles?". Do you A - make a video package of people talking about him and showing him doing cool shit or B - have him in a talking segment with Miz?

Roman and Dean talk next to the WWE World Title in a well-lit box, as you do. Steph chatters a bit. Steph setting up a heel turn here - so I guess that's been taken off the table, or a swerve of a swerve. Steph makes Roman and Dean against the New Day. Yes, let's put Roman in ANOTHER MATCH WHERE HE WILL BE THE LEAST-OVER BABYFACE. This is a brilliant idea. Nikki surgery video. Hopefully #nikkimode includes putting clothes in the right hamper, for Cena's sake. Brie couldn't emote for HER HUSBAND'S POSSIBLE RETIREMENT, and can't do it for her sister's either. Charlotte mocks Brie and says all Nikki can do now is online shop. Online shopping was a burn, right? Why not plug WWEShop there too since they already went gung-ho with the WWE Network/Ride Along plug?

Usos come out and Lilian says they won Grammys - they replay it later to bury Lilian. Amazing. Social Outcasts say they're brothers while Rose quotes Sons of Anarchy and Axel says they're Good Brothers. Bo isn't there due to Blackjack Mulligan's failing health, but they say he's mixing some beats. Holy Jesus does this show with the Social Outcasts and the Usos sound awful. Usos are going to play Cornhole with the Usos, and they talk about football for a bit on commentary. Commentary has died several dozen deaths in this match alone. The HBK-Shelton finish is now a Raw mid-card finish setup. Wow. Usos win this nothing match.

Miz talks about doing yoga and how his movies and appearances on WWE Network shows are forums for storytelling. We see clips of AJ-Jericho. WINNING THE IWGP TITLE TWICE means less than beating Jericho on Raw, which even Curtis Axel could do. Miz talks about how AJ was told he didn't have the it factor, that he was from Georgia and earned every bit of respect. "So AFTER A LIFETIME OF BEING CALLED SHORT, AND AJ, YOU ARE SHORT, MAN ARE YOU SHORT, but you've got fight!" So he's Rudy. AJ apparently waged a big war against large guys, which is sure new to me. And he has FINALLY made it to the big time. he's being positioned as Daniel Bryan Jr. Wow. Miz yammers on more about main eventing WM. It's okay though, AJ STYLES IS SHORT, HE'S REALLY SHORT AND SO WAS DANIEL BRYAN - but he's going to get the better of the Miz on Raw. Miz calls him "A rookie redneck" - AJ is older than the Miz, has like five kids, and more great matches than Miz has had matches. JBL recites "rookie redneck" over and over. Whew - I was worried, but now we're getting AJ vs. Miz on either SD or a PPV in a nothing match. I'm sorry "the Rookie Redneck" AJ Styles vs. The Miz. A 5 minute long recap of Raw's first 15 minutes airs.

Brie's out to face Charlotte. Stage Dad Ric Flair was amazing - making sure to distract the ref when Charlotte was in a sleeper and kicking at Alicia from the apron. Charlotte gets a backpack stunner, but is small packaged and loses off the figure eight. Recap of Big Show saving Roman...which just seems wrong and of course we get the Raw commentators talking over SD footage. Don't want to get a bit more mileage out of Mauro or anything. We get a brief  mention of Bret battling prostate cancer and HHH tweeting support to him. Show beat Rowan in no time and the Wyatts beat his ass - so I guess the Wyatts as a group kinda looked strong. They beat him up and the 40+ Big Show took a bump on the steps on the floor. Jesus. Recap of Show being beaten up before Titus comes out.
Recap of TITUS BEATING MIZ, who is now feuding with AJ. Titus faces Tyler. Tyler has racing stripes on his gear now - I guess they make his push decrease faster. Big Sky High wins. Heyman and Brock chat before HHH comes in. Ah yes, HHH - the guy that WWE felt should spend ONE YEAR FEUDING WITH BROCK LESNAR during Brock's hottest period (in theory) in the company. AJ vs. Miz is announced for SD - welcome to your new home!

Steph will be on GMA tomorrow to hype up Girl Power. So apparently, it's 1997 - which does explain WWE's constant use of diva. Dolph vs. Owens yet again. "TWO TIME FORMER WORLD CHAMPION!? YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!" Well, Owens isn't wrong. Tree of woe cannonball hits, but the Zig Zag hits after the powerbomb is countered - so Owens loses, at least until SD. The announcers are stunned that SOMEHOW, the two-time World Champion won this match. And that's partially why being a World Champion means nothing. "The great African-American athletes that have paved the way for us here!" I sure hope it's the same few guys they do video packages for each year. It's for Henry - who usually doesn't get spotlighted on these. Henry's World Title reign was fantastic stuff. Great hype video for Henry - good to see him get some love at this stage in his career. They talk about him going into the Hall of Fame and inducting folks into the Hall of Pain, and we get a small clip of his Cena speech. He is called "one of the all-time greats".
Not even the Boss is over tonight. She's facing Becky, but says she's THE BOSS. LEGIT! And then Tamina comes out to remind us of Team Bad. Why? So they're going to beat her up and Becky will save. Well, that could make for a fun tag match. GET. TO. THE. BEATDOWN. ALREADY. CHRIST. Or not - we have unity. Why!? After several minutes of nothing, we get some arguing with Team Bad and a mini-beating. Minor wedgie on Becky when she gets tossed into the ring by Sasha, and then she fights back to back with Sasha against Team Bad. JBL interviews Ron Simmons on his show tonight. WWE'S HARD-HITTING INTERVIEW SERIES. I hope it's hard-hitting, but soft-spoken - like Lashley's titantron.
Recap of AJ beating Jericho, leading to a Jericho interview about it - calling AJ A NEW KID IN TOWN. Jericho is very interested in AJ vs. Miz and can't wait to see it. Everything he says comes off like a parody now. Truth is in the bathroom upset about Goldust, who is on the toilet and he accidentally has his foot land right in the water after squatting on the seat with his feet. Truth tells Goldust he has shit on his foot and Goldust asks him who Truth's last partner was - it was Lil Jimmy. WWE finally getting what an internet meme is in 2015/2016 has really revived the careers of three guys - so kudos to them for that. Kofi went from jobbing to nobodies to World Title-level guys. NXT hype video.

They shame, SHAME, SHAME THE ROCK for using dirty language. BULLET CLUB KID GETS TV TIME ON RAW TO DANCE FOR NEW DAY! Dean should in theory be coming down to the ring quickly to help his friend in this theoretical 2 on 3 match because they're outnumbered - but I guess they don't take the guys who wear dildo hats and rainbow shirts seriously. Big E misses his apron splash. Unicorn stampede gets a TOASTY from Woods. Brock comes down and Cole says "THERE'S STILL GONNA BE SOME FUSSIN!" and then Brock F5s Dean. Well, that sure made Dean look great. Also, Dean beat E to win the match that then meant nothing.

Screens -

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