Tuesday, February 9, 2016

TNA Impact Wrestling 2-9-16

We get a UK video package showing that the TNA roster is here to GRAB THE BRASS RING. Matt is out with his entourage while a fan holds up a MATT MAKES ME HARDY sign. Matt gets a "you sold out" chant and says he didn't need to - he was already filthy rich! Now there's a great comeback to that. "The Matt Hardy Brand is going to teach the Impact Wrestling Brand how to do business - THAT'S A FACT!" Tyrus and his giant gold headphones cut a promo on EC3 and how he only got where he is because of him. Reby and her gigantic lips yammer on a bit. MATT HARDY IS A TREND-SETTER AND HER BABY-DADDY! Matt points out that he broke no rules in the last man standing match - and he's right. Jeff, EC3, and Angle are all "vijjims!" of his and holy hell is his hairline gone in the back. "Matt Hardy is going to teach Dixie Carter how to run a wrestling company!" Matt demands that Dixie fire EC3. THE SUPERBEING LASHLEY is here to face Bram IN A HEAVYWEIGHT GALACTIC COLLISION!

A goofy Madison vs. Rebel ShopTNA ad aired. They're having an online competition to see who gets cream in the mouth. Whipped cream, on TNA. Nothing at all to see there. EY and Bram said that they're Gods now. Boy do these two not have any chemistry together. They're on different pages for schoolboys and even a standstill. Spear is countered with a bad spinkick. They do more stuff for a bit before EY hops up with his KOTM belt and says he wants to hurt Lashley. Spear to EY and another to Bram gets the win for Lashley. Well, this duo sure looks great - they take out a top guy and get beaten up by a guy in the opener. Evil Heel Meeting in the back with Tyrus hiring more security for Matt in case EC3 is here.

Kurt comes down while Josh talks about Angle-Drew II and how they MADE WRESTLING FANS SMILE. Kurt gets a lot of cheers and says that BOY THEY'RE MAKING IT HARD FOR HIM TO DO THIS FAREWELL TOUR in the most fake way possible. Kurt says he's been in TNA for 10 years while about 15 different chants go on at one time. This is rather bad, and then Maria calls him out on spouting fake bullshit. Bennett comes out in black slacks and a wacky white and black tourist shirt. Bennett brags about growing up in New England - the better England and studying Kurt. Mike said he told his mom he'd grow up and beat him. Kurt whips his ass and tells him he doesn't wrestle guys he doesn't respect. Sea Captain Drew Galloway comes down with his case. Beer Money skit. They walk backstage and go past a "Beer Money" door. It says pyro, but Roode says that's just not in the budget - but something is. THE BOOZER CRUISER! This was amusing.

Trevor Lee and THE GREATEST CRUISERWEIGHT OF ALL-TIME Shane Helms came down. Uno gets his rematch here. Lee shimmies to the floor, but eats a baseball slide and a flip dive. Josh says that Trevor doesn't want to be a Superstar, he wants to be a Wrestler! So then he's an anti-WWE babyface? Wacky lucha armbar by Uno. Lee does the forearm rake in the corner and then Josh buries Lee's look for not being GQ-ready. Helms picks the leg and God's Last Gift wins.

Beer Money comes out and wants a shot. Decay comes out and Rosemary FINALLY GETS A NAME. Decay faces Beer Money while Josh rattles off the dictionary definition of "decay". A nothing match goes on and ends with Abyss grabbing the ref. Abyss grabs Janice and Josh asks how this thing got through customs. Good point. He gets beaten up by the Wolves and demands a match with the Wolves next week and gets a monsters ball. Reby sucks up to Dixie saying he's just passionate. Jesus, this show won't end.

Knockouts match is next. BUT FIRST, here's Grado. The boo machine goes crazy for the news that Grado was fired and screwed by TNA. He says he has proof - but Eli comes down. Josh points out that JB just handed him a mic, while Pope says he's not sure why security is there with Drake when they should've stopped him from jumping the rail. I love it when the ANNOUNCERS tell you why the product doesn't make sense. Anyway, they chase him and Grado escapes. Drew says he's ready tonight. Jade vs. Madison in a battle of the short shorts. Josh says that Velvet was taken out - so the BPs are really just one person now. Rayne gets a wacky cradle for 2. Great line where Josh says Schitt's Creek is replayed after Impact, and Jade is up shit's creek now. Cool knee counters a reverse DDT from Rayne and Jade wins with the cradle piledriver. 3 on 1 beating, but Gail makes a save.

Billy Corgan says he loves the UK and Grado tells him he's been screwed and now he needs someone to watch his dog. Drew is out to face Kurt. Basic tie-up and holds lead to a double-down off a double lariat for an ad break. Lariat off the top is kinda-countered into an ankle lock. Drew escapes and gets 2 off the Future Shock. They battle on the floor after Drew lariats him over the top, with Drew landing chops against the barricade, but Kurt hitting an Angle slam on the steps. Mid-ring Angle slam gets 2. Reverse Alabama slam gets 2 for Drew. Super Celtic Cross off the top...and it gets 2. 2 Claymore kicks get 2.99...Come on now. Rolling Germans or as Pope calls it, SUPLEX BOULEVARD! Kurt gets a sloppy splash off the top for 2. A THIRD CLAYMORE gets an even worse 2.99 count. It busts up Kurt's mouth. Drew locks on a sick-looking crossface, which would sure make for a nice finish since NOTHING ELSE CAN BEAT KURT ANGLE and this move logically should. Angle escapes and locks on the ankle lock. Drew kicks the face and the knee before locking the crossface on again. KURT TAPS OUT. This was far better than the first match in some ways, and more of a non-stop signature/finisher match in others. Pope says he's speechless and then yammers on for a bit. Drew bows to Kurt. Pope calls it the biggest win of Drew's career - and in a way, it is.

Great bit with  Matt saying that MATT HARDY WILL NOT LIE! Dixie has a new, even worse theme. "Ya gotta HOLD THE HAND THAT FEEDS!" People in TNA went without pay, but they had enough money to fund the creation of this theme song. Matt logically points out that EC3 treated Dixie like trash, lost the title fairly and nearly put TNA out of business with the injunction. Matt tells her to fire EC3 AND NOT BE A FLAKY BIMBO! ROCKSTAR SPUD RETURNS in a bright red suit with a Pop logo on the back. "I'VE GOT THIS, MADAME!" Matt tells him to back him and Spud says yeah, EC3 did a lot of horrible things - most of them to him! Spud's Hogan-level tan is a bit nutty here. Spud says Matt's running like a little bitch before Tyrus attacks. Josh and Pope are totally okay with this since it's his job and all. Matt and Tyrus trap her in the corner before EC3 comes down. Love the fans chanting the "WOOAH WOAHHH" part of his song. EC3 beats up the goons and then goes after Tyrus! EC3 whoops his ass too! EC3 glares at Dixie and Spud for a second and then saunters up the ramp confidently. This was great - such a shame it's during this point in TNA's history.

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