Monday, February 22, 2016

WWE Raw 2-22-16

Fastlane recap focusing on Roman and Dean's battle. We see the Facebook video of Brock attacking Dean, sans knees that missed. Vince comes out in some amazing brown shoes and talks about how for over 100 years, his family has promoted SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT. Vince gives the award to Stephanie, who tries to act.  SHANE O HAS RETURNED FROM JAPAN! Vince is shocked he didn't arrive with Nakamura. Shane's bright red and white shoes are something else. This is great and yet awful - because it's going to lead to even more of the McMahons all over TV because they are truly the biggest stars in the company. Shane says that HHH and Steph have killed the company. "Let's look at THE STOCK, RATINGS, DOWN INTO THE GROUND!" It would be great if they outright said things instead of just hinted a whole bunch about Steph and HHH seemingly being ousted by Shane.

Shane talks about how great it is to be free of Vince's control. Shane wants control of Raw. "WHERE RAW GOES, WWE GOES!" Poor SmackDown. Vince says he'll give him what he wants if he does a match against someone of his choosing. YES! We're gonna get Shane vs. HHH! Vince talks about beating Shane and USA just nixes this instantly. Vince makes Shane vs. The Undertaker. SHANE VS. THE UNDERTAKER. The match that no one ever even wanted to do in a video game comes to life! And it's inside Hell in a Cell. Many chapters of this book are currently missing. Most of them involving Taker's involvement in this.

Neville and the Lucha Dragons face New Day. Crazy pop for New Day, who plugged Booty-Os in an inset promo. WWEShop needs to sell Booty-Os boxes - they'd make a mint! Nothing really much to the match beyond Kofi winning with a mask twist on Kalisto and a Trouble in Paradise to win. Roman appears and gets booed out of the building. Jo-jo and Ro-man said words to each-oth-er. For. A. While. Christ. Brock is next - could Raw just be 1 hour this week?

Brock gets a huge suplex city chant, which reminds me that Roman gets taken to boo-plex city every week. Heyman says that everything involving Brock is the main event because he is the biggest box office attraction in sports entertainment or MMA because his client is Brock Lesnar. And boy once that WWE deal is up will Bellator have an offer for him. "Pissed off" gets muted by USA. Heyman hates ALL THEZE FLIPZ and destroys his mic - so he gets another and says if he's destructive, just imagine how destructive Brock is. SO SAYETH THE ADVOCATE, SO SAYETH THE BEAST, SO SAYETH THE CONQUEROR, SO SAYETH THE MAIN EVENT BROCK LESNAR! Heyman's good at this talking thing.

Sirens blare. It's time for the BIG BAD TITTY MASTAH! Dean comes into the building driving his ambulance. I haven't seen a guy this hurt from shots that didn't connect since Dada 5000's fight. Brock shoves him down and Dean tells him to kiss his ass and he wants him at Mania in a street fight. Well, this is where Extreme Rules would make sense - but that's the next month, so whatever. F5 on the floor! Heyman accepts.

Usos come back to face the Dudleys. Bubba's throat is sore, and the raspy voice works for this act. Ascension jumps the Usos. JBL says "They were hardcore before HARDCORE BECAME SOME SILLY INTERNET TERM!" No, they didn't - they were literally in that exact era. Usos beat them with the double superkick/splash combo. 

Jericho cuts a promo on AJ and wants him to come down to the ring. They have mutual respect before the Outcasts come out. Y2AJ is a better name than say...Y2Aging. Axel and his bald spot lose to the Walls. HHH and Steph have a meeting about what to say to Roman. Roman vs. Sheamus on Raw...remember when Sheamus beat Roman, was WWE Champion, and the League of Nations was the top heel faction for 2 weeks? Goldust makes Truth a cake to say he's sorry for costing him his match at Fastlane. Wyatts are out for their Fastlane rematch.

JBL puts over Ryback's HUGE NEW MOVESET, which includes sunset flipping himself. Ryback hits an awful spinebuster to Rowan. Ryback comes back from a break with a missile dropkick off the top. Ryback gets tagged out, leaves and Kane eats Abigail to lose. Jesus. Ryback says the spotlight should be on him - and his issues aren't with Show and Kane. He's gonna break the glass ceiling and take the brass ring. FINALLY THE 300 POUND MUSCLEBOUND MAN WON'T BE HELD BACK IN WWE!

Sasha's out to face Naomi. Thank God Cole reminded us of Twitter yesterday to build this match up. Not much to the match until Becky prevents interference from Tamina to give her a win. Charlotte wears a CHAMPION shirt in the Bella typeface. Charlotte talks about AMY POLER!? And mocks the faces for their bad hair dye. Ric's face and $20 jacket that he stole from a used car salesman amused me here. Sheamus has a new giant beard, or I just didn't notice it last night, and united with his buddies. We get a blink and you miss it mention of Godfather going into the HOF. JBL legit said NO ONE IS MORE DESERVING THAN THE GODFATHER TO GO INTO THE WWE HALL OF FAME!

Roman comes down, then Sheamus and Roman gets attacked by the League on the floor. CAN ROMAN OVERCOME THE ODDS!? "That's Triple H - the greatest competitor of all-time!" comes down and a brawl breaks out. HHH is already the babyface here as the big badass, and the fans pop for his offense and boo for Roman's. HHH hits him in the throat with the bell. HHH smashes Roman's head into the announce table to greater cheers while JBL talks about how HHH has beaten the best ever.  We get some fake-looking blood for all this while Cole puts him over as The King of Kings. "He may have assassinated Roman Reigns" YA FUCKIN THINK!? And then he pedigrees him and crotch chops him. Well, the WM main eventer is dead. Fucking dead. Hilarious stuff though, but Roman was killed tonight.

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