Monday, February 15, 2016

WWE Raw 2-15-16

Hype video shows off Dean being tough against Brock last week. He cuts a promo about how he had to do what he had to do to take Brock out before Steph comes out after around five minutes. "We're gonna get to the fighting - IT'S MONDAY NIGHT RAW!" Oh the LULZ. She makes a fatal fiveway for the IC Title and says if Roman comes out, Dean's out of the triple threat. Steph says that Roman will get involved to cost Dean the title. Steph is really bad at many things - going for a "big-time" intro is one of them. Owens is out...then Stardust. Tyler COULD BE IC CHAMP TONIGHT! Jesus has this division fallen a tad. So it's Dean vs. one star and a bunch of jobbers.

Dean and Owens do shit for a while everyone else is just on the outside patiently waiting. Owens kicks ass and has EVERYONE IN A CORNER FOR CANNONBALLS! This is getting fun now, and then Owens just beats Tyler and wins. That was something! (clap clap clap clap) Dean cuts a hell of a promo on The Authority and how he has nothing to lose. Dean is shining as THE MAN on Raw for the first 40 minutes of the show. Great promo there. Big E's new wacky walk amuses me greatly. THE CUTTING EDGE PEEP SHOW WITH NEW DAY!? This is a thing I'm expected to pay money for?
They tell Mark he could've been the World's Strongest Unicorn - but he's the World's Largest Bootyhole! Mark vs. Big E is up. Lordy. They have a pretty standard big guy vs. big guy match. E actually gets him up for the Big Ending, but Henry just falls off and then E kinda just pins him. Well, that went from being "holy shit, I can't believe this is happening to" well fuckitall that got botched rather quickly.

Brie comes out and we get a recap of Bryan's retirement. Then Charlotte. Comes out. And they. Exchange words. I chuckled at Charlotte saying that Brie's only working for the money while she's standing next to Ric.  I. AM STANDING. HERE. IN DIS-GUST! AT THE. CHAM-PION! YOU HAVE! BE-COME! Jericho is out looking ridiculous, and we see NEW BELLAS IN THE CROWD!
AJ's out to face Miz with Jericho on commentary. Jericho is so much better on commentary than in the ring now. He's putting over each guy like a million bucks, while JBL, Cole, and Byron just spout whatever. Super forearm gets 2. Skull Crushing Finale hits! GREAT nearfall there! Calf crusher over instantly on Raw and it gets the win.Finally - something exciting on Raw. They tease outright announcing AJ-Jericho III at Fastlane, but Jericho holds off until SD. I don't really mind that - you know the destination, but still have a reason to see the journey unfold.I dig the Straight Outta Dudleyville shirt. They might actually have a decent merch seller on their hands with that. Bubba should just shave his head - he's balding to the point where only the back half of his scalp has hair. Great promo work by D-Von here so far. He says they're not a nostalgia act - they're the best tag team on Earth. Bubba says the table are gone FOREVER, but fans can bring up the old Dudleys matches on the Network .Bubba says being nine time champs will be their legacies - not a piece of furniture.

Paige comes out to face Summer. Summer does a shockingly high amount of matwork, and it looks solid! Summer Rae wins with a...thing resembling a cradle? Well, that was odd. DON'T BE A MORON AND PAY $60 FOR FASTLANE, PAY $9.99 FOR IT. YOU MIGHT BE A WRESTLING FAN, SO WE KNOW YOU'RE POOR - BUT YOU CAN'T BE THIS STUPID! Heyman and Roman come out for a promo. Paul is doing a masterful job of setting the stakes for this match. Roman has to choose between either making his daughter happy and being champ - or being true to his best friend and hurting her. And then Roman takes the mic, gets booed LOUDLY and things die out. Dudleys jump him, so it looks like we have a main event of Dean and Roman against the Dudleys. The Vincent J. McMahon Legacy of Excellence Award is announced! Truly, it's on par with the Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence.

Ryder vs. A Social Outcast might be the toughest outcome to choose all night. Slater gets a slight edge and proceeds to jog around the ring with his buddies, in what is easily a highlight of the show because it was fun. Ryder flip dives on the pile. Truth eats dinner with his wife in a restaurant occupied by seven people before Goldust the Waiter comes in. We get ONE amusing line here when he offers up champagne on the house. "We're not in your house!" "Of course not, it's not 1997!" And then he spills it on her dress, he is shocked and that's that. Human beings were paid money to create this and someone had to hire actors and decorate a set for it. I pity them.

Lucha Dragons are out for a 6-man tag. They team with Neville against the League of Nations, who went from being in the WWE Title picture to the pre-show of Fastlane. LoN wins when Alberto double stomps Sin Cara. Team BAD jumps Becky in the parking lot. Becky in regular clothing is so much more attractive. Alberto wants 2/3 falls for their Fastlane PRE-SHOW MATCH. Becky and Naomi have a nothing match until Tamina gets involved, then Sasha in tights pants makes the save. Recap of Show/Strowman before their main event. Intros begin at 11. Nothing much happens beyond some ramrod spots. Show got a suplex and then got beaten down before Ryback saved. LOL @ Ryback sunset flipping himself. Wyatts attack him and THEN THEDEMONKANE returns through the ring. Kane, Big Show, and Ryback as a team! Get Cowboys Stadium ready - they're gonna have to add about 20,000 seats! They're the Titans. THEY'RE TITANS. BECAUSE THEY'RE BIG. BIG GUYS! Also, they don't have a match on Fastlane, so there's no reason beyond the Austin podcast this couldn't be done on the post-Fastlane Raw.

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