Monday, May 13, 2013

Raw 5-13-13

Show opened with SD's opening Shield vid. I hope Cena cuts a promo on the VO guy for saying he's injured when he was so clear about just being hurt - not injured. Brock recap, also from SD airs. The show is starting with a dance floor on the mat, and according to Lawler, Fandango-Jericho is set for the PPV. They showed the finish to their match and pimped the WM DVD/Blu-Ray, so that was efficient. King is just saying words here - no passion, just words being said. Summer Rae's in the brightest pink dress in history, while Fandango's gear appears to have had the '60s explode all over it. Jericho's dance partner is hot, and his gear is dress slacks, a white tanktop, and a Lite Brite jacket. More words. Jericho is rambling and being kinda clunky on the mic here.

They did a coin flip, and I'm astonished they didn't show us the coin being minted to pad this out more. FIFTEEN MINUTES INTO THE SHOW and they teased dancing - Fandango was going to dance, but was unhappy with either the music or people making noise. It's the people - this music is hilarious though. Fandango threw Summer down and hurt her. Jericho showed concern and got his ass kicked. Jericho took a tremendous bump into the barricade. Fandango grabbed a piece of the easy-fit dance floor and hit Jericho on the head. JBL sold this with the indifference it deserved. Summer Rae got up and was fine - so she's still a heel and this took up TWENTY MINUTES. They showed the destroyed announce area, complete with script pages. I wonder if green pages are for rewrites. The main event is Team Hell No and Cena vs. the Shield in an elimination match. Well, that's fairly shocking and should be quite good. Ryback kills someone, perhaps named Ryder, next.

Holy crap, he's actually facing Ryder. Amazing. This started and Cole calling Jerry John. Whoops. Ryder has new long tights that are basically like his old stuff, only with two full legs instead of one. THE WWE APP IS A NEW WAY TO WATCH TV...not on your TV. So yeah, that sounds ridiculous. Ryback won in a couple of minutes with the Shellshock. They hyped up Cena being unbeaten at the Extreme Rules PPV, which I guess is true since they're not counting when it was One Night Stand. History of Brock-HHH hype begins when he was CEO, no COO according to Cole. Then the vid calls him the CEO. Good lord that was a stupid and convoluted deal with him as an exec.

Tons of Funk theme is blaring, and Brodus is dressed like a creamsicle here. It's a tag match against the PTPs. Heels won via cheating and a cradle while JBL insulted JR - the ultimate job security. The replay showed DY using the fro pick to the eye, which is pretty cool. Loved DY stealing a pom pom and doing the MILLIONS OF DOLLAS dance. They showed THE WORLD CHAMPION GETTING A CONCUSSION nearly 40 minutes into the show. Teddy will make an announcement about that next. Way to make the title seem like an afterthought. Also, Teddy and not Booker will be making the announcement.

They talked about Booker being injured and that's why he's been out. Zeb came out and demanded that Dolph be stripped of the title, while AJ demanded that Swags be fired in the greatest way possible. 3-way is now a one on one I quit match between Alberto and Swagger- so no ladders, and it'll be a number 1 contender's match. Big E faces either Swagger or Alberto - AND WHOEVER HAS DOWNLOADED THE WWE APP will be qualified to vote on his opponent. The best part of this was a graphic for MARK HENRY'S HALL OF PAIN! Kofi faces someone next. These Guy X versus Unknown Man matches really kill the importance of matches.

If you haven't downloaded the WWE APP, do it now so you can vote on Big E's match - IT'S THE NEW WAY TO WATCH TV! They showed Ambrose pinning Kofi, and used it as a reason to give him a title match at the PPV. YAY! Ambrose gets to win gold! Kofi collects comics, which offends JBL. He's largely dumbfounded by Kofi enjoying Turkish comics though. Then they discussed sea snails for a while. According to the Twitter crawl, Brock is a Cage Fighting Carnivore - pretty great nickname to get in something similar to UFC without fearing any legal action for it. Kofi beat Sandow fairly quickly. Henry's got his giant strap and is preparing to induct Sheamus into the hall of pain.

They showed clips of Eddie-JBL to hype up the strap match - they're keeping the same wacky lights for it. Ugh .  Sheamus getting killed last week was far better hype. They also showed Henry pulling the trailers, which was a lot more impressive without Cole rattling off stats about the weight and such. Henry ordered Josh to "put this strap on", and he then tugged him around violently. This ruled. He called out Sheamus for a fight, who responded by...talking a lot. Sheamus grabbed his own strap and whipped Henry for a few seconds. Brock's attack on Vince was shown - they're really building this match up as the main event for the PPV. They showed the "Why Me?" 12 Rounds 2 trailer - I love that every one of his trailers has some unintentional comedy in it. Randy's character seems to just talk on the phone a lot in this film.

The 20 minute dance-off was recapped in one minute. Cesaro's in the ring randomly to face someone. Orton, it turns out, in a rematch from their ME match. They rattled off generic praise about Cesaro-Orton from there without showing any clips of it. The dance-off was worthy of clips, but a match dubbed AN INSTANT CLASSIC wasn't. Good lord, THERE'S A NEW WAY TO WATCH TV - THE WWE APP - DOWNLOAD IT NOW! They're interrupting this rematch of AN INSTANT CLASSIC to pimp an app and show Striker interviewing Show WHILE TALKING ABOUT STRIKER INTERVIEWING SHOW. The match is impossible to focus on as a result of all this crap going on. Orton brought back the punt in basic standing form to setup the clotheslines. Smooth counter to the draping DDT led to a schoolboy and an instant RKO defeat. Fuck. The booking of Cesaro is just deflating. 

Miz returned from making shitty movies with a shitty new shirt. Miz faces Cody on the PPV pre-show...for some reason. Slater's gyno is crazy - he's the 3MB-cup. Wade Barrett is cutting a promo on the WWE APP. IT'S THE ULTIMATE SECOND-SCREEN EXPERIENCE, and they're hyping up this as an example of multi-tasking. I don't mind multi-tasking during Raw, but the idea of asking EVERYONE to do it is a bit ridiculous. Loved Slater being thrown off the top onto the other guys. Dropkick to an area near the leg region of Slater led to the figure four and a win. A Komen race ad aired. WWE actually downplayed their involvement in this.

That tremendous HHH-Brock brawl from Raw with the Heyman-Vince "fight" was shown. That was by far the best thing they've done together. They hyped up tonight's deal as having ANOTHER CANT-MISS MOMENT! Cole said WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THE WWE APP ALL NIGHT. Yeah, no shit buddy. 6-Man tag is up next, I guess to give them time to announce Reigns and Rollins vs. Team Hell No at the PPV for the tag titles. Nope, instead of using this match to make that, they're just going to announce it beforehand. It'll be a tornado rules match - that should be quite awesome. The PPV card is really shaping up to be quite great...on the last Raw before it. They hyped up the WWE Magazine touting Cena as THE KING OF EXTREME. Kane faces Rollins on ME. They brought up Bryan training in MMA with Randy Couture. They went to a break with Cena doing a front facelock EXCEPT FOR THOSE WHO DOWNLOADED THE WWE APP - THE ACTION CONTINUES THERE! They came back for the Bryan surfboard>Kane basement dropkick spot ala Kaientai. They hyped up THE NEW WAY TO WATCH TV with Ryback...watching TV...on a little phone graphic on a TV. That had to be a meta joke at their overselling of the app. Bryan landed a knee to Ambrose's gut that was sold tremendously - he just flew for it. KANEAMANIA RAN WILD on the Shield, with a running DDT, double choke toss to the floor, and general ass-whooping. This led to a DQ since he bonked Ambrose with the top of the announce table. Why that's a DQ and slamming a guy's face into the top of it isn't one, I have no idea.

Ambrose hit Cena with the Tiger Mask DDT when the show came back. Reigns hit a Superman punch - called that by JBL. Cole asked if you can you imagine the beating Bryan will take if it's 1-on-3 - no, but I can imagine the beating the Shield will take if it's 3-on-1 against Cena. Tremendous sequence with Bryan hitting the backflip, catching Ambrose with a dive to the floor, nailing Rollisn with a forearm shot,t hen a diving headbutt for an awesome nearfall. Snap dropkick from Rollins led to a super-safe version of the headlock driver from Ambrose getting the win over Bryan. Cena took out the other members then pinned Rollins with the AA. Reigns shoved the ref, but speared Cena after, leaving it down to Ambrose-Cena. The nearfall for the Spear was tremendous - Ambrose's brain appeared to be breaking bit by bit with each passing second that passed, and then they lost via DQ. So...the Shield's undefeated streak ended in a Raw match that wasn't built up at all. And it wasn't even the main event. Wow.

They destroyed him with the triple powerbomb, but this was a bit weird. Great match, and they'll all be fine with a hollow loss, but now they've got to go with "the Shield has never been pinned" instead of never been defeated, that hurts a tad. Massive Goldberg chant broke out when Ryback came out, teased an attack, left, then grabbed a chair. Cena tried to prevent Ryback from hitting his injured leg with a chair by...gently grabbing Ryback's ankle. Well, that luckily failed and he got hit anyway. Cole was very concerned about this, BUT NOT AS CONCERNED AS HE WAS ABOUT THE WWE APP - VOTING IS UNDERWAY NOW...for a match up next. They showed highlights of HHH kicking Brock's ass at WM.

They came back with Ryback cutting a promo and not taking a single breath throughout it. Big E and his giant Chun Li thighs came out. LOL. Swagger, the heel, got the nod over Alberto. That poor fucker. King's bright orange skin looked even worse next to his light purple Affliction shirt. Clearly no one in the building voted for this match, because they gave less than a rat's ass about this. They did some moves, then went to a break...UNLESS YOU'VE GOT THE WWE APP. They came back during the triple backbreaker spot. Still zero shits given by the crowd. THE WWE UNIVERSE SET A RECORD ON THE WWE APP, DOWNLOAD THE WWE APP. THE WWE APP IS A NEW WAY TO WATCH TV. WWE APP WWE APP WWE APP! IF YOU HAVE THE WWE APP, YOU CAN WATCH DOLPH DISCUSSING HIS CONCUSSION ON THE WWE APP! Big Wedgi-E Langston hurked Swagger up with ease for a superplex. The best part about this was Austin putting the Shield over on Twitter. Big E lost via countout due to being taken out on the floor. Swagger "builds momentum" via countout. Alberto came out, still no shits were given. Armbar to Swagger, no one cared. Big E broke it up to at least a minor reaction. They aired an awesome Ryback-Cena hype vid focusing on Ryback being hyped up by Cena, then thrown into his shadow. Shame they waited until now to air it.

Miz's beard vs. Cody mustache was hyped. Nattie-AJ is up. Bellas, Kaitlyn, Hornswoggle, and Khali were out. Nattie lost via Octopus stretch - now called the Black Widow. Nattie lost by literally tapping that ass. Between the action and the commentary, this was an amazing and amusing trainwreck. The Bella with the boobs said that "there were two" ways to tell them apart now. Greatness. According to the ad, astronauts love WWE Shop and Fandango's theme. Also, WWE MAGAZINE HAS MORE READERS PER COPY THAN ANY OTHER MAGAZINE...ever involving the name WWE.

HHH came out for his face off. HHH did his full intro while the camera focused on his ass on the ramp. And then they zoomed in underneath his crotch while the cage was lowered. FRIDAY'S MOST CONTROVERSIAL TALK SHOW is apparently the Highlight Reel, which will have Orton and Show on it - they weren't anywhere on this show, so yeah, that feud seems like nothing. HHH, the big badass, talked a bunch. According to HHH, "it all gets settled" in this match, and not the one with a career on the line. HHH learned to hate, and learned to thrive on that hate - and he's never felt so at home as he does when he's in a ring surrounded by steel. Which really means the cell, but for the purposes of this, it's a basic cage match. Brock came out and just yelled. YAY GO BROCK! Heyman came out and was told to shut up and called Tubby Gutman. That is lame, and Be A Star, Hun-tor.

 Heyman talked about hate being a dirty word, and how his client WAS ON RAW AND READY FOR A FIGHT...that you'll have to wait until Sunday to experience because Brock does NOT fight for free! HHH said that was because Heyman couldn't afford it...what? WWE pays him, not Heyman. HHH talked a lot. Talked some more. Crowd died down quite a bit. HHH talked about Brock's mystique flying out the window if he loses. Well, given that he LOST A YEAR AGO AT EXTREME RULES, that's kind of a stupid thing to say. HHH called him a bitch and not a destroyed, and then shit was on. They teased up Brock ENTERING THE CAGE marvelously, brawled for a bit before a snap German from Brock. HHH's HHH'd up after shirts were removed. Thanks to the power of exposed skin, he was able to toss Brock through the cage door. After that, they did a close-up on Brock's bacne. Brock just left after getting thrown through the door...well that was kinda lame.

Screens -
I feel super! Thanks for asking!

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