Monday, May 6, 2013

Raw 5-6-13

Pre-show hype involves Brock INVADING WWE...HQ...via Twitter alert. Yeah. So we get security cam footage and MORE FOOTAGE later in the show. Somehow, destroying office equipment = cage match build now. I will enjoy having "Damn it feels good to be a gangsta" going through my mind when they show it. Cena's quoting the master of the iron arts, Daniel Bryan - this is good, him being all wacky isn't. He's way too goofy here. HE'S THE FUCKING WWE CHAMPION and he's just joking around. Something about Betty White, another bit about jerking off. Oh thank the lord, Vickie's out to shut him up. She's talking about Extreme Rules being EXTREME. Thanks, couldn't tell that with the name and all. This had better be leading to a Ryback's Rules match. Now Cena's mocking Ryback, who for some reason, isn't killing him with death right now. Ryback wants a last man standing match. Well, they only killed that stip to death with Alberto and Show, so that's logical. Brock and Heyman INVADED WWE HQ! You know. Their workplace.

Orton's out to face Sandow, who he destroyed on SD. Sandow saved the show by singing Orton's theme. They did some stuff and cutaway before Orton finished his dropkick. They really mixed things up by having SANDOW lock on a chinlock when they came back instead of Orton. According to Cole, he's all about MAKING IT EXTREME. So he won with every RKO ever, except this one appeared to arouse Sandow. Cole talked about Orton being A DIFFERENT CHARACTER since WM. Nope. Same guy - he just said he was feeling extreme. They missed Orton being KO punched. VINTAGE TNA! Fandango's facing Truth next. Wow.

Jericho's out to watch Fandango-Truth. Good God he's annoying with this Fandango name-mangling stuff. So instead of just a match, it's also going to be a dance-off, or a dance-judging thing, or something. Fandango's out and I THINK they've changed it to a dance-off. Okay, Truth's out and I think it's a match because Justin Roberts gave him a formal intro. It took about 15 minutes for Fandango vs. R-Truth to BEGIN. Match went like a minute before Fandango just left. WORKPLACE INVASION. THEY HAD NO APPOINTMENT! 

They came back with HHH plugging Komen for the Cure with the most pussifying shot ever of him and Steph with pink highlights. YAY, Bryan's talking about THE Ryback - bout time since he's the one who came up with it. He wants a match with Ryback, who doesn't want it, but Kane wants to face maybe that'll happen. I could dig a Kane/Ryback red and black attack team. Alberto came out for his match with Dolph that I completely forgot about. I love the guy in the reflective vest checking his phone instead of watching Alberto. Kane-Ryback is official for later. Match began with a huge LET'S GO ZIGGLER chant. Poor Alberto. King made a pregnancy joke and Cole made sure to note that AJ was not "with child", like Raw is now I Love Lucy. They did moves until Swagger and Zeb, WITH A NEW VEST, came out and got a fairly big USA chant. Alberto's push is just doing wonderfully.  Zeb's doing commentary - yay! They did some moves, Alberto went for the corner kick, it was avoided...and Alberto landed right on the back of Dolph's head. Ouch. Zeb said that Swagger weighs 285 pounds. Good lord. More moves. This feels like every match they've ever had, including that really good one on Main Event, which was better than this. Swagger killed them with a ladder after Big E got involved for a DQ. Swagger's reign of terror ruled. They went away from this to recap SOMETHING TRENDING ON TWITTER and the Ryback-Cena deal.

King CAN'T WAIT TO SEE BROCK DESTROY HHH. Big Show, a heel, hyped up WWE's Yahoo deal. Also, Steph loves how entertaining and inspirational the programming will be. Kaitlyn met with the wacky face divas - his crush knows about her love of the Simpsons. Nattie wants Khali to go undercover. The Bellas' cleavage reacted. The Shield's out to kill some folks. I love Ambrose's body language during their intro. Kofi's teaming with the Usos in this random wacky 6-man. Big drop for him. They did a bunch of stuff leading to a decent close call thanks to Kofi, before Rollins pushed him off into a bulldog driver. A guy with terrible tattoos held his kid up and booed the Shield while mugging for the camera.

Cesaro faces Orton on ME for some reason - should be quite good, and he's got a new jacket! They actually showed clips of ME this week, and made both guys look great. Cesaro's got a ton of pep in his step here - and isn't yodeling! One guy, however, is chanting LET'S GO RYDER - WOO WOO WOO! Neutralizer win for Cesaro - so good to see him back on track. He cut a promo afterwards saying he wants more competition, and puts the W in WWE! Good stuff, but it would be better to time the "is that all you've got" deal if HE HADN'T JUST LOST.

Heyman showed the footage. And man was it weird to see Brock in a place humans visit. Heyman hummed Fandango's theme! Heyman was beyond amazing here. Loved Brock wearing the world title replica, and then tearing a laptop apart like it was paper. Then he grabbed the sledgehammer, destroyed the belt, the desk, AND BROKE THE HAMMER! This whole deal was amazing and worth Brock's annual salary for a decade. This had some iffy editing, but was tremendous as a whole. Loved Heyman holding up the smashed replica world title - made that replica seem more important than the actual belt. HHH interrupted his promo with his theme, and then he walked out with his jacket sleeves rolled up for some reason. HHH said that HE KNEW ABOUT EXTREME because of DX. What was extreme about them? Homoerotic overtones? Then he had some jokes about Heyman's hair and rambled about stuff. He managed to kill the most fun segment in ages. Replay of the Ryback/Kane deal. Lordy.

AJ and the Bellas are out for a match and plug TOTAL DIVAS. COMING TO E! They did stuff, and AJ lost via spear. So she's winning the title at the PPV. Henry's coming out to say words. But first, Diddy is against bullying. Fitting time for that given how much of a bully Sheamus has been. Loved Henry mocking Sheamus, telling the camera guy to move back cuz HE'S TOO CLOSE, and saying that folks would remember their match at ER forever. Sheamus came out and either has a black eye that's nearly healed or he's got terrible makeup on. Sheamus showed clips of him attacking Henry, which JBL rightly pointed out was unfair since he cheap-shotted him on Friday. Instead of a brawl, they delivered an unannounced Sheamus-Barrett match that was apparently made before, but never mentioned once.

Wonderful - it began post-break with a chinlock! Henry was bullied again while attempting to do commentary when Sheamus teased tossing Barrett into him, and then got cheap-shotted with a Brogue kick. Tremendous gut superkick>kneeling superkick from Barrett. Brogue kick to an area within a foot from Barrett's head got the win, leading to Henry whooping the shit out of him with a belt. Whooped his ass so so so much. Loved this. Tremendous WM DVD/BD ad - gorgeous shots of intros.

Jericho-Fandango DANCE OFF on Raw next week. Oh, and FANDANGO CREATED A DANCE REVOLUTION. I call bullshit on that. YAY BROCK REPLAY! Ryback will be on the Highlight Reel on SD. It's 11 and they've had maybe two minutes of the main event. They came back with A BODYSLAM - one of many in the bout so far. Maybe it'll set a world record for them. Boring chant is breaking out. Kane got Shellshocked due to getting crotched for a flying clothesline spot. Shield came out, resulting in Ryback leaving and Bryan coming out. AND CENA, who tore his shirt off and flexed to let you know that shit was really on. Ryback laid Cena out with a chair and stood over him. This was a show.

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