Thursday, May 30, 2013

TNA Impact 5-30-13

Pre-show vid has AJ's powerwalk being all wacky with an X-ray effect, while the opening vid shows Hogan talking to Sting from last week, Brooke's terrible lipstick and her confusion over what "I still love you" means. The formation of GUNSTORM also got some coverage, and AJ's DDP-esque turn on the Aces did too. Bully wants AJ STYLES, AJ STYLES, AND AJ STYLES. D'Lo's in a ShopTNA shirt, and he's sorry about what happened to Ken, bro. Real sorry bro. Anderson kicked his ass for that. They show D'Lo clutching his jaw in almost a still frame shot for like 30 seconds. The Tie Dye Guy is creepy. IN 3 DAYS, DEVON TAKES OUT JOSEPH PARK, AND IN BOSTON, LIVE ON PPV, THE ICON STING FACES THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION BULLY RAY! That right there was great. He's really putting Sting over like a million bucks, too. Saying he's done a lot to be an icon, that he's beaten a lot of great world champs, including Hardy - WHO BULLY TOOK OUT. Main event is up next...well that sure is a bit odd. I should really make Joseph Park in FPR. The Atlas security guy is the timekeeper and Hogan's wife and her giant boobs are in a very revealing red dress in the front row. A little girl in a bright dress is overjoyed to see Park get mangled. They're just doing a bunch of brawling here. Punches. Slaps. Chops. Plunder. Big collision between Bully and Sting led to a break. Well, that sure that was a good use of 11 minutes as they established all of the major things for the show AND got a big match going too.

Loved Bully trying to do a version of that Sin Cara kick while Park was up top. FOLLOW DIXIE ON TWITTER TO FIND OUT THE LOCATION OF BFG! They hyped up tonight's new start time, which they did a terrible job of hyping up last week since I forgot about it until earlier today. Devon did a Hogan legdrop, complete with posing, ear cupping, and kiss being blown to Hogan's wife. Loved Taz saying Hogan should take notes on Devon's posing. Tenay's DID A STUTTER was about a .4 on the Stanley scale. Loved Taz saying that Bully's dropkick was like...A GUY WHO WAS REALLY GOOD AT DROPKICKS. Todd tried to save by referencing Brunzell. Great spot where Sting locked on the deathlock, but Park couldn't do it to Bully and got wackily kicked into Sting. Abyss's theme hit, which led to Bully getting distracted and Sting hitting the deathdrop to pin Devon. Well, that was a bit disappointing - in part due to a comedy act holding back THE WORLD CHAMPION. Park's look of confusion after this ruled though. We hear from Dixie next!

Got a 12 Rounds 2 ad. Angle cut a promo in the...yellowest room in history saying that while AJ didn't join the Aces, HE STILL HATES HIS FRIGGIN GUTS. Dixie came out in an orange dress to talk about how great it is that TNA has been in business for 11 years. She's hyping up the Hall of Fame, and they're panning to way too many old people in the crowd. Aces interrupted her, with Doc waving wackily. Doc's silly facial expressions and body language have really stood out with me. Taz, as expected, claimed gimmick infringement over her wearing orange. Garett might've been worse on the mic than Dixie. Dixie, the middle-aged woman, showed no fear being in there with members of a violent biker gang until they backed her into the corner. Joe and Magnus saved her. Great, NOW PUSH THESE MEN DAMMIT. Joe yelled a lot. Okay. Maybe just push Magnus. I did like Joe's line about beating Garett into the man he'll never be. Match was made, and despite THE COMPANY PRESIDENT BEING RIGHT THERE, Taz wondered how this could be made. Match went a minute before an ad break.

They came back and a big brawl between everyone led to...I guess a count out. Joe predicted this somehow, and made sure to make Garett, Wes, and the "shaved ape" against Magnus, Joe, and Hardy. Hardy was just like a dude in this and seems wasted in this. Gunner kicking ass last week was shown, and they're at least trying to get over an Irish curse backbreaker and torture rack for him. Better that than trying to get over 'IMMORTAL'S MR. INTENSITY GUNNER". Storm picked Gunner because HE'S KILLED PEOPLE, and if he'll kill people for a country, he'll do it for him. Holy shit, the babyface WANTS PEOPLE DEAD. That was something they definitely should've done a retake on.

Taryn and Sabin face Kenny and Gail later. Hulk met with Brooke, in a very pink dress. HER HEART STRINGS ARE BEING PULLED. Apparently, Bully looking into her eyes IS A SIGN FOR HIM TO RAPE, PILLAGE, AND PLUNDER. Jesus Christ. Bad Influence is out, and it just hit me that this week's PPV marks a year that the tag division really seemed like a big deal again thanks to their match with Kurt and AJ. They should've used that whole deal to further the Angle-AJ feud going on now. That'd be better than the Aces thing since they wound up turning AJ against the Aces before the PPV. 8-man tag is up with the heels from the PPV facing the babyfaces, and Storm's leg is covered up heavily in tape and he's in a shirt. Gunner's gunning pose looks too much like air humping.

Hernandez and Chavo came out after the break. Their theme is among the most generic in TNA history, and fits them about as well as Jerry Lynn's first country theme here. It's easily the worst theme Chavo's ever had and a step down from any LAX remix for Hernandez. Dirty Heels got no intro. BI's red, gold, and white gear looks awesome. Aries's blue and red gear makes him look like Superdick - and he fittingly tagged Roode in the second he hopped in the ring. Chavo's basement dropkick didn't look good, and I question the logic of setting that up with a tag since it adds to the time the move takes to be done. Loved Aries saying he had no idea what's going on after sneaking in a dropkick to Chavo on the top. Sweet slap to Roode's chest from Supermex, who sent Aries flying into a helicopter pose with a pounce. Marching trainwreck rules. Ryback should steal that spot. Actually, Hernandez doing Ryback's gimmick now would be pretty good. Sick corner dropkick to him from Aries. Uranage backbreaker into the torture rack got the win for Gunner. Storm, wisely, did nothing, but Gunner was able to shine nicely here. AJ arrived on his TRON light cycle at 10:05. Given that the show only goes until 11, that sure is late to come in. The Aces met in Kane's lair to discuss their PPV plans. Also, the Aces OFFICIALLY declare war on TNA. Because that wasn't clear over the past year. Bully wants VICTIMS. Maybe he should've hired Gunner since he wants to kill people. Mickie's celebration is next.

FOLLOW DIXIE CARTER ON TWITTER, THEN YOU'LL KNOW WHERE BFG IS! Great BFG vid, and oh yeah, the show is in San Diego. Taz compared Mickie's knee clip to Theisman-LT. She cut a great overly-happy and thankful promo that was just glorious. SHE IS SO SUPER THANKFUL, but takes issue with the super-small, teeny-tiny minority who have taken issue with how she won the title. So she called out her good, dear friend Velvet. Velvet came out with her knee taped up, and...walking in heels. Is that a wise move if you've got a bad knee? Seems like something that would make walking harder. Mickie was willinig to wait until Velvet was about ONE THOUSAND PERCENT READY. Velvet wants her rematch...and Mickie's willing to do it ANY TIME and WILL BLOW THE ROOF OFF THIS MUTHA...but unfortunately, there's already a match at the PPV. Mickie would luv luv luv to give her the match, but ya know, she can't. Gail came out and Velvet was really annoying, so Gail kicked her leg out from under her leg the ringpost figure four was avoided so the mixed tag could get going.

Sabin came out and he really needs new music. Just hearing HAIL SABIN over a generic tune sucks. Match started with Taryn hopping around before a takedown. Crossbody led to a tag. Taz said that the flask was ODB's rear end or her pocket. Hopefully the latter. Taryn has the most amazing gear in wrestling. Loved Sabin using Palumbo's WWE finisher, the over the shoulder backbreaker>cutter deal. Cradle Shock 2.0 that has no name yet got the win. I sure hope that doesn't mean Kenny's retaining, because he's doing nothing with the belt. Sabin's promo was pretty good until Kenny broke it up. Tiger codebreaker from Suicide saved Sabin.

They ran down the PPV and next week's "live" Impact. Sting talked about his favorite world title opponents, naming Flair, Hogan, Angle, and Jarrett. This made the PPV match seem important, and the epic trumpets worked well. The BFG recap included Shaw-Bradley in the Gut Check BFG Series Tourney finale. Doesn't feel like much of a tourney or a finale. The graphic for Park-Devon ruled. AJ's black and grey NO ONE shirt is shockingly subdued for a wrestling shirt. I rather like it. They're doing some moves. More moves. Corner stomps. Ad break. Loved hearing Taz talk about Tenay calling every match AJ has had in TNA, which is kind of amazing. Sick apron DDT bump. Amazed to see Anderson bust that out, although he has been putting more effort into his matches now that he's a regular TV main eventer again. Loved Taz using wacky cliches to describe Ken, then copping to it. Nice hard kick to the chest from AJ would've made for a great near-fall if Anderson stayed down. Shonie Carter referenced from Todd had Taz talking about restaurants. Also, CABLE. CROTCH. PAIN is not good on a Thursday night according to Taz. Angle came in and attacked AJ...kind of a dick move. This ended a really good match and was annoying.

AJ attacked the knee, and then the Aces attacked them both. Maybe they'll get into the tag title picture at BFG or something. Then everyone involved with the Aces matches at the PPV came out to brawl. So the show ended how it began - with mayhem. Also, with another Sting-Bully punch back and forth deal like they closed the show with a few weeks ago. Sting no-sold a clothesline, which really seems like something they should've saved for the PV. Also, a scorpion deathlock was done before a 3D closed the show. The veins in Bully's legs are crazy and DOC is as orange as Dixie's dress. This...was indeed a way to end the show before the PPV.

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