Thursday, May 9, 2013

TNA Impact Wrestling 5-9-13

It seems fitting that the lead-in for Impact this week involves a ton of cocaine. Opening vid focuses on the young guns of 2013 - Matt Morgan, Sting, and Hulk Hogan. Love the shot of D'Lo in the vid with dust and what not swirling around behind him. I'm digging Sting's black and red tie-dye shirt. Shame he isn't wearing gear that matches it other than his gloves. The design would be perfect for a Brock shirt too. Sting doesn't want to wait until the PPV to take Bully's why didn't he ask for a title match before then? AJ's tron is entirely too active for Darth AJ. First YES chant of the evening thanks to Angle asking AJ if he'll join then. Angle gave AJ maybe a second before he got pissed. Sting said "he was in AJ's shoes" before - tremendous. Angle's yelling more, while Sting's being kind. Angle's about a 9 on the Sheamus level of dickheadishness. Aces jumped Sting in the ring with a 3D. After taking ONE MOVE, Todd asked if the number 1 contender to the world title would be able to compete in the main event.

TNA is celebrating their 11th year of being alive through a series of miracles with a sale on ShopTNA. AJ was pissed at the interview guy and Christy's tits introed the KOs tag. Mickie's album has been CHARTIN HIGH...on ShopTNA. Velvet's outfit features a skirt that may be about a centimeter long. Mickie was in for 99% of it, Velvet won, and then Gail attacked Tara afterwards for losing. Match wasn't too bad. Aces talked about stuff, and D'Lo came in but wasn't told about stuff before. D'Lo looked sad. And really out of shape facially.

Kaz and Daniels met with Storm, who's got a giant tat on his leg. Loved Kaz's "We got your brand – skull with a cowboy hat beer" line. The Aces came out, Bully cut a promo on the tag match later, and another one on D'Lo. Anderson yelled at him to give it up after D'Lo said it was his life. D'Lo, just give it up to prevent Anderson from talking. DOC is facing Magnus now, and hopefully he does well since he appeared to just return from a vacation to the sun. They came back after the break with a side headlock mid-move - it's at least a bit different than WWE returning from one with a chinlock. They did some moves, and Magnus countered a superplex to hit the swank flying elbow. D'Lo accidentally cost the Aces this match. Or as Todd put it, A PIVITOL BATTLE IN THE WAR!

Bully threatened to MURDER D'LO BROWN ON LIVE TV, but Anderson talked him out of this and Bully told him that his new job is to wash all of their asses - he's a prospect. Sting and Angle met with Hogan, who apparently can't wrestle now, or something, due to Sting talking about his doctor. Hogan says he's got A WILD CARD to take out the Aces. So he'd better be there tonight. Angle and Sting talked about using Magnus tonight, so he'll probably be taken out before then. Dirty Heels met with Storm in a very Miami Vice-esque shot of them all bathed in blue. Storm came out in his ref outfit and looked pretty slim in it.

Christy introduced Bad Influence...while the Dirty Heels came out. Aries' look of disgust ruled. Then he forced her to do it again, and shoved his crotch in her face while doing it. They mixed some tremendous comedy spots in here. Suicide dive from Aries was done at about 2000 mph. Smashed his ribs into the barricade. Fucking ouch, but also awesome. Loved Todd referencing Metallica with Kaz's finisher - it reminded me of Kaz's old logo font just being theirs. Storm and Aries did beer comedy spots, then Daniels got kicked, but Aries was a bigger dickhead than Daniels was, so he kicked him too. And then Storm just left. Well, that kinda sucked. Aces beat up Magnus, so I guess we'll see D'Lo replace him. They did this wacky attack with stuff that was supposed to seem deadly, but didn't shoot it in a realistic way, so it was goofy. 

Suicide got a return vid - his outfit looks tremendous in HD. Nice highlight reel of Sabin's return - he should definitely get the X Title at the PPV, then they should just bring back the X Title cash in stip so he can go for the world title. Kenny King came out, with his tron showing his name as Kenny K.I.N.G. so I guess they can trademark it. He was super-cocky, then dared to steal a line from Mark Henry. Kenny brought out Sabin with a shockingly high amount of reverence, so yeah, they're setting up the title match tonight. He's getting a shot next week. He came out dressed like Gambit, and King was again all wacky with him. There's a fan with oranger skin than DOC with bright green ecto cooler hair behind Sabin. I love the radio station guys putting up a sign on the hard camera to get a free plug nationwide. Kenny King was tremendous at the end here letting him hold the belt, and then saying it's the closest he'd come to it. GIMME MY BELT! Tremendous. This is the best Kenny's come off in TNA yet, minus the gold shower line. Shaky cam took ages to reveal that Storm was laid out backstage. 

The BFG Series AND GUT CHECK COLLIDE next week when four guys face off in a mini-tourney to get a shot in the series. York's the only one that really makes sense since he's been on TV. They recapped the Aces' many beatings tonight. Bully talked with the Aces and instructed D'Lo to keep the beers cold and the bikes clean CUZ THEY'RE CHASING GIRLS LATER. Also, Knux is the brains of the operation - loved his cerebra gimmick a few years ago. Hogan was on the phone with the mystery man, AND THERE WAS NO TIME FOR HIM TO COME OUT. DUN DUN DUN! Hogan was wonderfully wacky here.

Between all of the intros and stuff, there was far more than a minute for the guy to come out. Loved Taz calling Devon a TV Tampion and blaming it on Christy. Bully and Angle started this, and man did it ever make me want to see Angle-Bully instead of Sting-Bully at the PPV. Anderson came in and acted so broadly for a damn hand clasp spot that Cena could tell him to tone it down a tad with the wacky stuff. Taz name-dropped Avalanche AND Tugboat in 2013. They cut TO THE BACK and the Aces were laid out. Bully busted out a dropkick, and he's now down to 260. Loved Taz's delivery of Bully's dropkick being like Mil Mascaras! Taz, somewhat amusingly, said that Angle's neck was shot from either six to TEN HUNDRED neck surgeries. Devon did Hogan's posing. I like Todd, but he's bugging the shit out of me tonight by saying "reverse neckbreaker" a billion times. Sting got the splash, the deathdrop, and even the VINTAGE facebuster with a shockingly high amount of fire in it. Deathlock was interrupted by Anderson, some punches, and the mic check.  Abyss was the big return - fitting since he disappeared after a match with Bully. Black Hole Slam got the pin. It's a shame they used the bell ringing theme and not his more iconic theme, because this didn't get much of a pop.

Screens -




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