Thursday, May 23, 2013

TNA Impact 5-23-13

WILL AJ GET PATCHED IN, OR DOES HE HAVE SOMETHING UP HIS SLEEVE!? I think they've figured out a way to guarantee some sort of swerve here. Nice little graphic for the OK tornado victims, along with a Red Cross number for donations. The opening video shows off Abyss's O Face, which no one ever needed to see. Hogan came out to start the show and suck the oxygen out of the room right from minute one. Taz talked about how Hogan does this crap to get a cheap pop - nice of the heel to tell the truth. Tenay talked about A HOGAN POP, AND A HOGAN HOMETOWN POP...which really wasn't much different. He told a wacky story about Shark Boy and him drinking at Hogan's Beach Shop, where he was a lot - THAT'S HOGAN'S BEACH SHOP IN TAMPA BROTHERS! Lots of beach metaphors so he can just keep saying words. Sting came out and grabbed a mic, but first, HOGAN HAD TO TALK SOME MORE. Sting stumbled over some words, clearly due to the power of Hulkamania. Brooke Hogan came out in a white and black prison dress. Between that and the bright red lipstick, she really didn't look good. She doesn't want to see guys fighting and offered to resign as VP of the KOs. Loved Bully's "GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY WIFE!" when Hogan grabbed Brooke. Then Bully said he'd always love her...this really came out of nowhere. This took up 15 minutes and was not exactly good. It also felt like another TNA storyline where major chunks of the story are missing.

ShopTNA lets you save money ON THE ALL-NEW ACES AND 8S VEST! Joey Ryan's a sub for Ion, while Petey got a big pop I'm sure was due to the Steiner-esque tron. Newicide is a skinny motherfucker. Taz ranted about guys throwing each other on their heads, and then Ryan hit a swank pumphandle suplex. Love the Muta lock>ab stretch on Ryan and Petey by Suicide. Ref cam is gone. Suicide did a sweet somersault dive off the apron and landed on his feet perfectly. Vader's reverse powerbomb>codebreaker finisher was cool and this was a great showcase for whoever's playing the role. Sabin met with Storm and volunteered to be his partner, but Storm turned down Gun Money 2.0 to let Sabin cash in the X Title to win the world title. So I guess that's still a thing despite the D-X PPV being done. I'm fine with that since I dug the stip. The PPV is in less than two weeks, so they really should name the partner tonight, but they'll probably wait until next week.

Velvet taped up her knee...which you could kind of see after they spent an hour focusing on her tits. She's got some wacky deal on her shoulders for some reason. Mickie came in, wished her luck, and told her she loved her. That's either the start of a heel turn or a great porno. Sam Shaw came out in Partridge Family bus gear, leading to Wes coming out and saying that he beat up Alex Silva, because I guess they didn't feel like getting him a visa. Wes put himself in this match. Um, hello? HOGAN!? The Aces B-team came down to beat him up. Magnus came out to make things 1 on 3 AND THE ACES RAN! Magnus said a bunch of words. More words. For some reason, the violent biker gang is just letting him talk instead of beating him up. Wes with the beard looks nearly exactly like either Jerry Lynn or Mickey Rourke.

Just as I was thinking TNA should show footage during the break on BELLATOR'S APP, they say they have their own...with Jeff Hardy doing a workout. That's probably a lot more entertaining than watching WWE guys cut boring promos, or look at a screen. Wes did some stomps, then a chinlock. Nice body shot>hook>back elbow combo in the corner from Wes. Very impressive catch from a top rope crossbody, with Magnus during the powerslam position into a suplex. The Aces attacked Magnus, and Joe made the save...okay then. Joe didn't yell, because Angle-Anderson is up next. YAY, MORE ACES AND 8S! This took eons and at best sets up a vague Joe/Magnus vs. Aces B-Team match at the PPV.

A new hall of famer gets announced at Slammiversary. This led to the Aces meeting in what would appear to be Kane's lair in every arena. They showed Kurt in New York trying to save Olympic wrestling. TNA's Save Olympic Wrestling shirt is quite outstanding. Given the timing of everything, I'd say that maybe Kurt goes into the HOF this year. AJ rode in on a Batcycle and they cut back to the match with Angle throwing Ken around. Anderson responded by doing an Irish whip and Hall's shoulder-to-shoulder smash. Tenay reminded us that Anderson's a TWO TIME WORLD CHAMPION. Amazing. Todd talked about THE VIOLENT BIKER GANG. Yup, so violently that they waited patiently on the floor for ten minutes before taking advantage of a 3-on-1 advantage. Anderson locked on an armbar. Not the Rousey kind, but the boring time-killing kind. Taz called Todd "girlpants" just to be a dick. This isn't a bad match, but there's nothing exciting about it at all. Loved Todd saying Angle pops up like a monster in a horror movie for the superplex. AJ came out, hugged Taz, and Anderson low blowed him and cradled him for a win. This adds sufficient fuel to the AJ-Angle fire at the PPV. Anderson was near some fat guys drinking and impersonating him. Storm will be out next to say who his partner is...even though AJ's out there WITH THE ACES AND 8s.

Gail did an interview and got jumped by Taryn. I love this angle. A huge Storm highlight video aired - showing off his tag team accomplishments, which is good, but pigeonholes him too much as a tag guy and not a FORMER WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION. Storm came out, and for some reason, Chavo was on commentary FOR AN ANNOUNCEMENT. Storm's mention of AMW got a shockingly big pop for a team that broke up in '07. Chavo called himself the king of the mountain and Aries came out in a fabulous striped polo shirt. I liked Roode bringing up not only him being world champ, but beating Storm for it. Bad Influence came out, bringing out yet another group of dudes in jeans. Does anyone in TNA own pants that aren't jeans? Kaz leered over at Aries while talking about people pretending to be offended, which was...something. Stone Cold Shark Boy came out as Storm's partner. Then ROBBIE E came out. This went from really good and somewhat serious to wacky bullshit way too quickly. Gunner came out. I originally thought that Morgan shrank and got more back tats. Yay. GUN MONEY a totally different way. As long as they drop Mr. Intensity, this could be good.

Joseph talked to Sting about GETTING THE STRAP, which scared him. Sting sure hoped that Abyss could be his partner next week, and asked him to not kay-fab him. They ran down the PPV, which is a decent lineup, and Velvet came out without her knee taped and moved around fine. ODB's tits are all over the place here. They've briefly mentioned the show moving to 9 next week a few times, but haven't really drilled it home much. Velvet did a wacky spinning headscissors and landed on her own head. Knee clip and a kneeling DDT won the title. YAY! Then they cut away from Mickie's ass, to cut to it again, and then cut to an AJ vid...poorly. Serg is singing a song during this video that is amazing. Bully cut a promo at 9:52 to ensure this doesn't take forever, unlike everything else on this show. I wonder if AJ will turn this down with a diamond cutter ala DDP when the NWO wanted him. Bully ordered him to drink, he did, and hilariously said WOW, THAT BOY CAN GUZZLE! Angle came out to prevent AJ from insulting him. AJ hugged them, and then Angle flew into the ring via beatdown that the camera guy mised. Bully ordered AJ to de-brain Angle with the hammer, which he did. Then they turned their backs to him and he beat the shit out of the entire group with the hammer. So no diamond cutter, but he did make the similar P1 sign at the end.

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