Thursday, May 16, 2013

TNA Impact 5-16-13

The show-opening vid showed Kurt being a complete asshole to AJ, who "turned his back on TNA"...because Kurt was a dick. They managed to show Abyss's return without exposing his slip too much. Hogan sauntered out and did every generic intro he's done in TNA. Having just watched Uncensored '95 on WWE 24/7, I, like Hogan, am amazed Hulkamania's still running wild in Tupelo. Somehow, Abyss's return tied into TNA being under a microscope. Abyss didn't come out, and boy does his current theme not work as well as his prior one. I know he's had it for like two years now, but it doesn't seem to fit as well as his other one. Loved Joseph come out here and Taz saying "well that's definitely not Abyss!". Devon and D'Lo came out when Joe started talking - I'm digging Devon's look as a biker. Works better than a lot of guys in the group. Hogan had his hair extensions in this week, so he looked a bit better than he did a few weeks ago. Loved loved LOVED Joseph Park getting super-pissed and basically saying he was tired of their shit and challenged them to a fight. I loved Devon asking who he's beaten because didn't he START by beating the current world champ? Hogan said he could face D'Lo instead of the TV Champ Devon, who is obsessed with taking a chunk out of Abyss's ass. Park's wacky leap of joy ruled. Storm was a bit of a dick to the backstage interviewer asking what he was going to do after superkicking the guys last week. All he said was "watch", and despite showing clips, they didn't do a good job of filling in the blanks here.

They showed a York highlight reel vid to hype him up in the Gut Check BFG series deal. Roode came out to I guess give his thoughts on what Storm did. Nope. Turns out it's a match with Chavo. Taz showed how little he paid attention to the other guys when Tenay said that Roode had more big match experience over the past few years, and Taz asked he could say Roode hadn't had high profile matches...WHAT!? Loved Roode taking a stomach-first bump off of a shoulder to the gut from the apron leading to the slingshot senton. Storm came out and spit beer at Roode, leading to a DQ. Storm just...stood there angrily. Maybe he's going to join Sting and AJ in the rafters. Maybe there's like an HOV lane for them that requires 3 guys or something.

They recapped AJ's deal. He's facing Angle at the PPV, BTW. Lots of repeated stuff from show-starting vid. Kurt came out to talk. Taz rightfully called him a highly confrontational man. Angle whined about wanting to face AJ now and not at the PPV. He wanted AJ and got Anderson, who came out with a wacky carnoonish scowl and was sucking a lollipop. Helluva badass biker. He did a nice wacky THURSDAY THURSDAY THURSDAY intro for AJ getting "patched in" next week before cackling. Good lord, the man is about as annoying as Miz, if not moreso. Angle sucker-punched Anderson before AJ came out from the...vague direction of the Aces and 8s area and cheap-shotted Kurt. Well, he deserved that. They did a good job building up AJ being patched in next week, even if it is pretty sudden. 

THE SLAMMIN SALE gives you UP TO 25% off on DVDs. Whoopdeedoo. The Gut Check guy with Boomstick on his elbow pad, whose name wasn't said or shown, cut a decent heel promo about having the hot girl now, getting paid to be in the gym and get better and be THE MAN. Boomstick guy was Jay Bradley The guy who wins this gets a shot at Slammiversary to be in the series. Well, that's different than what they said before, where it seemed like the winner of this would get in the BFG series. York's tan is very Hogan-esque. Nice flapjack and running big boot from Bradley. Looked very sharp. Given that Tenay talked about York's biggest win being at the Xstravanza PPV, they should've shown clips from it. Sick snapmare>elbow to the chest combo from Bradley. Boomstick lariat got the win here. Bradley's gear is really generic-looking, but he was quite good here. York was fine, but needs to either lose weight or modify his style. Bradley was quite cocky in his post-match promo. He was great here. Best he's looked yet in TNA. Gail and Velvet, whose lips couldn't be more pink, walked backstage before their match up next.

Storm bitched and moaned more and then Anderson cut a bad promo where he lost his train of thought, then talked about "patching AJ's ass in next week.". AJ might not like that much. KOs just had time to do their intros before the break, but they also showed off Gail's path of destruction, so I'm fine with that. Brooke Hogan's giant orange boobs in a more orange dress talked about great Mickie's album was, but she's bitter over being excluded from the PPV. Valid point, so Mickie was given a match next week for the title. Bully and his underarm blubber intimidated Brooke. Bully leered at her like a date rapist after saying he'd never divorce her. The match began with Velvet IN DIFFERENT GEAR THAN BEFORE, and also throwing things resembling armdrags. Then she walked around a bunch to wait for Gail to get up for the next spot. Velvet's knee got a kneeling DDT and apron smash, resulting in VINTAGE RVD owwie owwie owww! selling. Velvet sold her knee a ton, which didn't result in the crowd caring enough to stop whistling at her. Taz called a half crab a cloverleaf, which led to a nice stretch muffler. Throughout this, Taz talked about ODB having a walkman in her back packet along with the flask in the other and having that make sense since she gets clothes from the Salvation Army. Velvet JUMPED UP AFTER GAIL to get her off the top. She seemed to have no problem doing this.

Velvet's knee went out in the most comedic way possible as she just threw herself on the ground, and she got a fluke win, leading to Gail killing her knee with the figure four on the ringpost. I'm hoping this leads to Mickie not only winning the title, but holding off her heel turn for a bit since Tara just turned sorta-face. Camera man zoomed in on Velvet's tits quite a bit here. Sabin said that King was only the king of male strippers, which was a great line. Fantastic recap vid of their deal last week, and it made their X division title match seem way more important. I love that with Sabin around, they're actually giving a shit about the division. Shame they made a ONE ON ONE FEUD for a division with mandatory 3-ways.

SUICIDE returns next week, hopefully cutting wacky Ole Anderson voice box promos. Kenny King defends the X Title next against Petey and Sabin, who got no intros. OUCH. Now is not the time to be giving THE ENTIRE DIVISION jobber intros. Match began with King leaving so Sabin and Petey could do some swank-looking technical exchanges that were more impressive than anything seen in the division since the days of the Guns and GenMe. Nice capoiera kick from King - Sabin looks great in there with both Sabin and Kenny. They showed the ref with the wacky camera on his head, which made him look ridiculous. Thankfully, they didn't show anything from it this why use it? T-bone flatliner from Petey looked wonky, but a bit cool too. Only got two for that and the La Mistica Russian Legsweep>cradle combo. Sweet dropkick to the top rope while Kenny was on the mat by King to Sabin. Spinning Irish Curse got 2 for King. Hesitation dropkick was interrupted by Petey, who then got DVDed onto King in the tree of woe - nice spot there. Flying knee from King took Sabin out while King hit the Royal Flush to Petey to take him out of contention. This was Kenny's best match in TNA yet and the best 3-way they've had in a while. Kaz and Daniels had a great wacky meeting backstage. Kaz is now the secretary of offense and SUPER KAZ!

D'Lo thanked Anderson for not allowing Bully to CAVE HIS SKULL IN WITH A HAMMER. They did a nice job making D'Lo sympathetic by showing he's remorseful for hurting Garett and Wes by big-footing them,a dn trying to make up for things. Hernandez's new Texas-state flag gear rules. Loved Taz talking about Bad Influence: The Movie's trailer being great, and Tenay asking who lives in the trailer. Air Mexico off the ramp to the ring now gets built up with a ton of clapping, and it worked nicely here. He's also got new ink on his back. Dixie's always breaking THE LATEST NEWS ON TWITTER, FOLLOW HER ON TWITTER (and don't forget to buy her action figure either). Storm distracted Daniels, who got Pounced for a loss. Storm came out, recapped him being told there were consequences for his actions...and instead of that being brought up, he talked about a 3-way for the tag titles, but with a twist...IT'S A FOUR WAY, with Storm and a mystery partner of his choosing. I wouldn't be surprised if it was Harris since the match will be at Slammiversary and they were on the first show.

The MAIN EVENT OF IMPACT is D'Lo Brown vs. Joseph Park. Sure, the contract signing really is, but wow. I loved Tenay getting excited over the idea of D'Lo cooling beer. Todd called D'Lo a "time-tested veteran". Yup. Former WWE mid-carder. Former ROH mid-carder, and TNA main eventer in 2003 and 2013. D'Lo ruled it here though, busting out a shining wizard and a sliding basement lariat. Then he busted out the flying leg lariat, clearly feeling his oats here. He appears to have lost a bit of weight in the past month or so too. D'Lo "busted Park open", leading to him Abyssing up and winning with the Black Hole Slam. Now he can get a match with Devon whenever he wants, I guess leading to him becoming TV Champ at the PPV. I wouldn't mind that. PPV rundown - tag title 4-way is an elimination match. X title will be on the line in an Ultimate X with Suicide. Bully came out, did his deal, and said he's from God's country - HELL'S KITCHEN NY! He called Hogan out too, and I just noticed that Hogan's shoes match his outfit. Bully was an outstanding asshole here talking about how he screwed Sting over, screwed Hogan, and how EVERYONE KNOWS HOW GREAT HE SCREWED BROOKE. Sting then talked about him wanting Bully to snap his arms, why? Because if he doesn't, THAT'S WHAT HE'LL DO TO BULLY. Tremendous. This was the best Sting promo since '09, and I liked Bully agreeing to Sting's no holds barred stips ONLY if he would never wrestle for the world title again. Also loved Bully saying he's doing this and not demanding him to retire if he loses because he wants Sting to wrestle until the day he dies knowing he can never hold the world title again. This ruled and really put over the importance of the world title. They exchanged punches for a few seconds before the show ended mid-stuff. Weird bit there, but a great angle overall.

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