Monday, May 20, 2013

Raw 5-20-13

An ambulance is going into the building to start the show. Ryback came out of it and they showed some pics of the LED spear, including one that made it look like Ryback speared him through a lit up vagina. They showed footage FROM THE POST-SHOW ON THE APP of Cena refusing to go to the hospital. Ryback looked pretty cool standing on top of an ambulance in his vest and shirt. Ryback said he'd send Cena to the medical facility, BUT THAT THE FANS WOULDN'T - THEY'D GO TO THE MORGUE. Then he just said a bunch of stuff insulting them. THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT NUTRITION OR EDUCATION! So they're idiots and he's going to murder them all, apparently. They made Ryback-Cena IN AN AMBULAMP MATCH (according to Ryback), and it's in Chicago. So I guess that's when we'll get the return of Punk. Also, Heyman's third guy returns/debuts tonight. Miz and Jericho team up tonight against Fandango and

Over 170 million vids are viewed on WWE's site, Hulu, and THE WWE APP! Then they did some bizarre Sonic shake product placement deal. Summer's yellow dress really brought out her tan nicely. They showed a few fans Fandangoing, and one girl just making devil horns to do it. Barrett has a new theme with chanting and a hard rock sound to it. I demand this hit iTunes right now. They made Barrett-Cara for Main Event - nice of them to hype that up at all. Shame they didn't show Sin Cara winning despite talking about it. They'll show guys talking on the app, but not that. They talked about Ryback bullying Josh ON THE APP during the break, then showed Road Dogg talking to hype up the app. Did you know it's the new way to watch TV?

They came back from a break with the usual chinlock from Barrett. Then Fandango abandoned Barrett to dance. They did a bunch of stuff - nothing dangerous thank God since it was impossible to pay attention to the match. Miz won with the figure four after a Codebreaker. Why? I have no idea other than to set up maybe a 4-way for the IC Title with Miz, Fandango, Cara, and Barrett. Miz and Jericho went after Fandango, who left Summer and danced seductively with Jericho, who is old enough to be her dad. Luckily, Jericho told her off and this ended without too much quickiness. RAGE IN THE CAGE graphic showed the wacky silver hammer, then they showed Ryback bullying Josh to hype up the app. Seriously, that shit's free - stop killing the show with it.

Vickie came out with a red jacket like Lupin III, but with a black and white polka dot shirt. AND THE WWE APP LETS YOU CHOOSE SWAGGER'S OPPONENT. He could face Khali, Truth, or Orton. WELL GEE, THIS IS A TOUGH ONE. ZEB COMPLAINED TO VICKIE ON THE APP! They showed the Shield winning titles and Kane and Bryan had an amusing wacky skit. They've apparently got a 6-man with Kofi against the Shield tonight. Sheamus is out to face WWE's most common superstar - someone, after the break. There's a movie using DMX for its ad in 2013. Amazing.

They showed a couple of pics of the Sheamus-Henry match - they couldn't make it seem exciting even then. Henry said he's going home on the post-show. Titus is out to face Sheamus because he's his training partner - as shown during the truck pull. SHOCKING example of continuity. Loved the clubbering spot here - Sheamus put some extra fire into it tonight. Titus threw him overhead with a fallaway slam without bumping and said "you think you tough? YOU THINK YOU FUCKIN TOUGH!". They muted it, but still showed it. This was shockingly used to put Titus over as something special - in which case they should've mentioned him beforehand and the history behind this match so it wouldn't feel like an afterthought. White Noise>Brogue Kick finished off Titus. This was a very good little match - very fun to watch and better than expected. It's bizarre that they picked now to build on the momentum Titus had after doing commentary what, five months ago? Heyman's reveal is next.

Kevin Jonas is the social media ambassador of the show, so they can plug his E! show and do synergy and shit with their show. Heyman ruled it all with his promo and introduced his newest Paul Heyman Guy - Curt Axel - Joe Hennig with a rock remix of his dad's theme and a mix of his grandfather's nickname and his dad's name. This is a great repackaging and basically what things should have been for him from the start with him. HHH's theme hit, so I guess he's out to re-kill Hennig's career. Cole is amazed that HHH is here AFTER TAKING AN F5 AND SLEDGEHAMMER TO THE JAW! HHH didn't even have makeup on his jaw to make it look battered. They talked about Axel like he's a young guy, even though he's in his '30s. Hennig tried to speak and HHH buried him by saying he's a kid. HHH had jokes to respond to his VIOLENT ASS KICKING IN THE MAIN EVENT OF LAST NIGHT'S PPV. They did a close-up BEARD VS. BEARD faceoff. Hennig has grey in his beard. HHH slapped him and just like Silent Rage, he took a bump for it. HHH demanded a match with him...not on the PPV oh no, TONIGHT. THE NIGHT AFTER A VIOLENT BEATING. He's seriously killing his own sledgehammer gimmick with this. And well, many other things too.

I got a UFC ad after this, and it made me want Cain-HHH. Alberto's facing Big E next. CURTIS AXEL IS TRENDING WORLDWIDE! They did Rampage powerbomb>armbar spots here while JBL talked about Heyman leading Austin in WCW to a TV Title run, and managing a very young Taker too. They went to the floor with the armbar where Big E swung Alberto into the ringpost. That was tremendous and could've have been a great countout finish that Dolph could brag about. Instead, it got a 1. They brought up Punk leaving after WM and Henry leaving last night. WWE - the company that everyone wants to leave. Big E won with the Big Ending after an eye poke...well, that was probably better than a countout win after all. Good stuff and it leads to more dissention with Dolph. They replayed Ryback. Saying words. Like this. When the show opened. I think Big E might actually be better in Ryback's role right now than Ryback is.

We got an ad for the WWE app, which WWE really hasn't mentioned enough. Use it to CHANGE THE COURSE OF WWE. Yes, Swagger-Khali COULD CHANGE THE COURSE OF WWE. Layla's out and it's time to pimp Sonic more. She'll face AJ. For whatever reason, they replayed the stupid skit from last night. I love how AJ sits between the second and third ropes like a swing. They cut away to the Bellas ON THE APP watching the show, and hyping up TOTAL DIVAS ON E! Black widow won in like a minute via lots of ass tapping and groping. Randy OHTON could face Swagger.

Ryder faces Cody in a jobber intro vs. jobber intro match. Cody won after the disaster kick. Good to see him on the better side of a squash. Ryback, who Cole called the Beast Incarnate, and then The Intimidator came out and was less of a bad-ass than either Dale Sr. or Brock. Ryback murdered Ryder, which Cole called HARASSMENT! Ryback hauled him off into the ambulance, just like he did to Maddox. This was an effective deal for Cody, Ryback, and the next PPV main event. JBL said history wouldn't write about Ryder. Ouch. Shield 6-man tag is up next.

Ambrose cut an amazing promo on the Shield destroying Cena, Taker, Ryback, and the Rock - even taking credit for his surgery. Rollins followed up with some good stuff on his own, and even Reigns was good. According to the Twitter crawl, Axel's theme is #fire. I guess that's a good thing. Cole stumbled over more words and said it was a long week. King asked how that could be when it's only Monday. Good question. GIGANTIC amateur-style takedown counter from Reigns to Kofi. Rollns' corner Flatliner looks so much more damaging than Fandango's spinning version. Rollins took a backflip bump for the Hart Attack and damn near landed on his forehead. They did an awesome No Lock ad break with the faces looking strong AND OF COURSE, THE ACTION CONTINUES ON THE APP. This match rules. Love Ambrose's head to body punch combo in the ropes. VINTAGE TAJIRI tree of woe dropkick from Bryan to Ambrose got 1. Bryan is makign the Shield look so many kinds of amazing here. Loved JBL putting over Reigns' lariat. Nice back elbow on the ropes from him and a high knee too. He made good contact with it unlike Sheamus.

Ambrose channeled Raven with a finger-breaking spot. Kofi got a hot tag, hit a big dive, and it led to Kane and Reigns going at it. Flying knee from Rollins saved Reigns from a chokeslam and let him hit the spear for the win. They showed a replay with Kofi taking the best back bump ever off a face smash into the ringpost. This was better than anything on the PPV. Cole awkwardly rattled off stuff being yelled at him about the Shield. Some guy named Larry told HHH that THE DOCTOR didn't want him to wrestle. HHH threatened to fire the doctor...who probably wouldn't have trouble finding work elsewhere.

They came back and hyped up HHH VERSUS PAUL HEYMAN'S NEW GUY without mentioning his name. Kaitlyn met with Nattie's cleavage and talked about the mystery guy. There's a blue and pink ladder behind Cody that is distracting. They hyped up OVER 100,000 PEOPLE voting on the app. I call bullshit on that many people giving a shit about this match. Loved JBL calling Cole annoying for rattling off numbers. JBL ranted about THE TOWEL. TOWELS DON'T SPEAK. Cole said he wasn't making sense, which was true, since he was upset over the towel despite IT GIVING SWAGGER THE VICTORY, and Swagger then quit anyway, so the towel wound up not mattering. The match started with some holds being done. Then some LEG HOLDS. They did a smash into the barricade as a high spot before leg hold #193 - the same as leg hold #39 in this. Everyone talked about each other while Cole talked about watching the show on the app. Something I'm sure USA should be thrilled about as they hype up the final season of Burn Notice on this show.

They came back to show one of Orton's fingers with a big cut on it. Swagger kicked out of a superplex at 2, resulting in a great look of relief from Zeb. This match is going on quite a while and is pretty darn close to being into main event time - far too long for a nothing match storyline-wise and action-wise. RKO was countered into the ankle lock on the right leg and at a weird angle. Then he changed legs and did it so it looked good. RKO got the win. SWAGGER'S MEGAPUSH CONTINUES! Orton's definitely getting into the world title picture sooner rather than later. They replayed the Ryback-Cena challenge. HHH faces JOE HENNIG, in his first main event. NEXT.

SD gets hyped up with Ambrose-Kofi - YAY! HHH came out, and of course, they brought up him getting hit in the jaw with the sledgehammer. Apparently, HE HAD TROUBLE CHEWING earlier. Didn't seem to affect his ability to cut a long, wacky jokey promo earlier though. Weird to see HHH in there with a guy who has Benoit-esque slash marks on his gear. Axel's got a scar on his stomach that is distracting. Could've done without HHH dominating from the start, but I loved HHH's big left-right combo. Weird to see such rapid-fire offense from him. Bret-esque elbows from Axel, but with a unique spin to them. Axel got some offense. HHH dominated. Dominated some more. JBL talked about HHH trying to shake something off WHILE HE KICKED HIS ASS. HHH sold extreme fatigue, making me think we'll get a finish ala HBK. It would be fitting given that he was in a medical room surrounded by brain stuff earlier. HHH took a break, got some water and it actually prevented him from kicking more ass. The doc said he couldn't continue. BUT BY GOD, HHH WANTED TO KICK MORE ASS until he fell down. And then he just kept doing stuff and the show ended. This was weird.

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