Monday, August 12, 2013

Raw 8-12-13

Bryan's out with a big YES chant and his old beard shirt on. They're recapping the Bryan-Barrett deal so they can do a rematch of the match on SD where Barrett was destroyed. He wanted the rematch...why do losers get to demand rematches? Ah, now it makes sense - Maddox is the ref, so he's just doing Vince's bidding for him. Flying knee off the apron missed and led to a big boot on the floor. Suicide dive looked nasty. Cole said the flying headbutt was inspired by...HBK of all people. Could've at least said Dynamite. Schoolboy led to a quick three from Maddox. IT'S GOAT VS. MAD OX! Goddammit, MizTV will happen with Bryan-Cena, and Punk-Heyman is later too. Orton faces. Sandow in yet another case holder vs. case holder match.

Cody's out to do commentary, because this match needs four commentators. Cole recapped what Cody did to the case, in case Cody forgot for some reason. Loved Sandow handcuffing the case to the ringpost. A fan of RANDY ORTAN held up a giant pink sign. The crowd cares about the intros and not the matches - they're dead for this too. Backdrop on the barricade was reduced to an app spot. Cole delivered exposition about every possible part of the Cody-Sandow storyline. Loved JBL saying "lemme call Dusty, Cody's a kleptomaniac!" Oh, and Orton with an RKO off the distraction. They showed RVD doing the splits on some chairs to prep for the 20 man battle royal to make a contender for Ambrose's title. They showed Henry, Ryback, and some other dudes. Ambrose and Reigns made a challenge for the tag titles. OUTSTANDING promo from Ambrose about the U.S. Title being something everyone runs from now that he holds it, and that Punk's just a catchphrase - he's the best in the world and Cena has a trophy. Unless Andre's ghost is in the battle royal, he ain't losing the title!

They replayed the awesome Brock-Punk promo from SD. Goddamn that is easily the best hype vid all year. Josh asked Punk why he accepted a match before's Heyman... Punk's got a Macho Man shirt under his hoodie. Khali went from being in the battle royal to being in a mixed tag against Big E and AJ. Inset promo from Big E - it was pretty awesome. Cole sounds like a fucking robot reciting all this exposition. Sharpshooter, AJ tapped, ref...didn't do anything. And then they redid the spot and he called the tap. Big E went after Hornswoggle, who was saved by Khali. Not sure why you'd make Big E look weak. JBL rightly said this went off the rails. Vince walked in the greatest maroon suit jacket ever.

Nattie, Booker, and HBK will be the Summerslam talking heads. Ambrose's U.S. Title match will be on the pre-show too. Vince came out doing his Vinciest walk ever. It's hard to believe it's been 15 years since the Vince-Austin stuff. He brought out Maddox and he asked to be the ref for the Summerslam main event. A fat guy in a HHH shirt from 2000 tried to do the NO bit. Vince asked him to be the ref on scout's honor. HHH came out in a suit...still looks weird. HHH said they needed a ref who wouldn't be intimidated. And then he pedigreed Maddox. I think he might be ref, not sure. Cole confirmed it. Fuck. This match didn't need anymore McMahonamania bullshit.

I got an FSN 1 ad during this break. Kane-Wyatts video. The Ring of Fire match is the Inferno match without the goal to set someone on fire - just to get a win inside the ring. Titus is facing Kane in the latest match the crowd couldn't a shit less about. Chokeslam win. Bray's out with a Wyatt Family sheep mask shirt. Cole recited exposition about the Wyatts and Kane's pyro excited Bray. I gotta say, the match does feel more important thanks to the stip, and it does make sense, so while it hasn't been explained well at all before tonight, it should help Bray a lot.

They hyped up the new ep of Total Divas...airing against Summerslam, with Nattie's drama, Nikki being fat, and Cameron wanting implants. THE BELLAS ARE IN COMPLETE CONTROL OF THE DIVAS DIVISION! And Nattie made a challenge against Brie at the PPV. Eva Marie will be with Brie, and the Bootydactyls will be with Nattie. The. Ac-ting. Here. Was. Terrible. Alberto, the world champ, came out for some sort of match against someone feeling like just a dude. And he's facing Kofi, who perhaps could've come back with some steam if they told a comeback story. Instead, he's just back, and he's a dude. Crowd gives zero shits about this. Reverse superplex got 2. Somehow, a let's go Kofi chant got going. SOS hit for 2  reminded me that RVD BEAT THE WORLD CHAMP and was rewarded with a shot at the U.S. Title shot...maybe. Springboard led to the codebreaker and the armbar. Mark Henry was shown stretching before the battle royal.

Another, new epic Punk-Brock vid aired. They showed a hype vid for CHRISTIAN!? Woah. Pleasant surprise. He really needs to wear those jumpsuits again. It's a shame they did this, because he's not winning after beating Alberto twice and it feels like a waste of a video package. Real Americans came out. CESARO IS WEARING THE FLAG AS A CAPE. YES! Great promo from Zeb about California sinking into the ocean and making America 2.5 million times better. They're facing the Usos after beating them last week, which they thankfully recapped. Perfectly fine match here. We the People chant. Big double over the top suicide dive from the Usos. Nice through the poster superkick led to a blind cradle and a win. This picked up a lot towards the end. Miz TV is up next.

Miz did his usual too-fast intro. Bryan's out first and Cena said IT'S TIME TO GET ROWDY!! Like either K-Kwik or Ronda Rousey. Maybe Piper. Both Cena and Bryan were fine with HHH being ref. Cena cut a boring promo on Bryan. Miz tried to stir shit up, leading to Bryan saying he'd punch him if he didn't shut up. This got a big yes chant. Bryan fired back on Cena with conviction saying he wasn't just going to give him a fight, he was going to win and phonies like Cena are why he doesn't watch TV. And he said Cena's a parody of wrestling and that he wants the title not for fame, but to prove to everyone he's the best. Bryan is trying his best to save this. Cena talked about how amazing the WWE Universe is and how every WWE Superstar does what they do! Cena's promo needs some TM signs throughout it. Cena is saying stuff really loudly, but it comes off as melodramatic. And then he said that he doesn't fight for those who don't like him - he fights for those that do, like the kids with the Cena shirts, and the 7 year old Make A Wish kid he met today...that was a bit much. Then he just talked and talked and talked and talked. Cena will only respect him if he wins the WWE Title...why? Then Bryan brought things back to reality saying that for Cena, as an 11 time champion, he can't understand the hunger of wanting to be the champion just once. Then he wanted to give Cena HIS FIGHTING SPIRIT with a slap. But he can't do it because Cena isn't a wrestler. Awesome. Cena slapped him, Bryan asked him if he really wanted it, but said he didn't deserve it. Then HHH came out for some fucking reason. Then Orton came out...was Russo rehired?

Fandango's out with his most ridiculous outfit to date after they plugged Domino's. He's facing Truth. In a dance off. Or a match. Or something. No one seemed to win. I don't know what this was. Battle royal is coming up. SEVEN MILLION PEOPLE HAVE SPENT 30 SECONDS DOWNLOADING THE WWE APP! Axel talked to Heyman, who was nervous. RVD came out. Then a bunch of geeks did. And Ryback. Battle royal is after the break. Gabriel's theme rules. YAY MARK! They did stuff. Fandango eliminated Truth after being eliminated. SD hype involves Sandow teasing a cash-in. This was nothing until Kofi saved himself from elimination by latching onto Cesaro, then using Cesaro's leg to kick Swagger. Big RVD chant here. Rolling Thunder was stopped with the Meathook. Henry shoved out the Real Americans on his own. RVD won after Ryback got rid of Henry and he got rid of him. There's a compelling story they could tell with RVD going after a title he's never won before in his 20 year career, but they didn't bother telling it. Shield came down and Henry stayed. The Shield surrounded the ring before Big Show came down looking gigantic in the gut. This did a good job setting up both a tag and U.S. Title match for the PPV, but I think we're only getting one of them. The Summerslam card feels a bit slapped together due to all of these last-second things going on. Heyman-Punk is next.

Cole called Axel "Curtis Assel". Two dudes chanted ECW. Paul brought out his bestest buddy in the world, THE DOOM BRINGER BROCK LESNAR! Paul hyped up Brock by saying he had a gift for him - A VIDEO OF BROCK BRINGING DOOM! And saying that the beast is the best. This was great - and I loved Heyman saying that he'll fight Punk IF he'll fight him and Brock. Heyman pointed out that heroes are usually stupid and that Punk isn't stupid - he has an option here. He can just not show up and disappoint everyone tonight and face BROCK LESNAR at Summerslam. Punk showed a camera man! He bonked Brock hard with a camera twice. Suicide dive. This was glorious. Brock's out. Heyman's in the ring alone...OH MY GOD, PLEASE NO! Curtis Assel made the save. GTS to Axel with Brock looking on dazed.

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