Thursday, August 1, 2013

TNA Impact 8-1-13

Bad Influence pondered before Impact that #august1warning could be someone in the witness protection program after either the Mafia or the Aces. This team rules. And this young girl on COPS is going to regret going to jail with the brow-beating she's getting from her parents on the lawn. And Ronnie from Atlas is talking to Taz about him being banned, which Taz recapped when the show began properly by literally saying "just to recap.". Tenay and JB are on commentary - YAY! Tenay's black and red ensemble looks wacky. JB and Tenay seem to be having a wacky facial expression-off tonight. AJ-Aries is on tap, which should be great. Aries is out in his regular getup to say stuff. He's  grown out his beard again slightly and somehow looks like even more of a douche than usual. He's also got a reddish-black set of slacks on that look weird with his all-black stuff, but they do fit his shades. A guy in the crowd is looking at Aries with mancrush eyes. Someone has an Employ Joey Ryan 2013 shirt on with the Cena red, white, and blue color scheme. Ugh. Roode's out with a bland black hoodie on that somehow fits him. He said it was basically time to wreck shit up like he did when he was world champ, and reminded everyone of his terrible Leader of the Selfish Generation moniker. Hernandez is out since he's Roode's opponent. Hardcore Holly's old theme setup the Five Hour Energy ad.

LOL @ a new ad featuring an RVD fig. VIVA LA KNOCKOUTS STUFF though. Roode dominated before the break and after, leading to him doing a crossface that Hernandez POWERED OUT OF WITH A SIDESLAM. Wow. That ruled. Air Mexico barely hit, but sent Roode into a flip anyway. I really want to do that spot in a game - something other than Firepro needs a ramp on it. Low blow>cradle got 2 instead of 3. Strange that a schoolboy is now a more viable finisher in 2013 than at any point in decades thanks to mid-card matches in WWE. Roode brought chairs in to distract the ref, who then used a beer bottle to win. He telegraphed this nicely in the promo by saying "he was going to back to how he won the title', and did. JB explained that perfectly and said that Roode clearly planted it here earlier. And unlike Waltman, knew where the shit was he supposedly planted. Angle and his wacky shades talked to the interviewer while Rampage said oh yeah in the most boring way ever. Where was the Rampage from last night that had passion?

Kaz is backstage live-tweeting. EY and ODB had a meeting, and then she opened the door to show a giant ass. It was Joseph Park's - he was stretching and asked EY what twerking was. I demand a skit of this. Sabin met with TJ and said that 15 years of TJ got him nothing, while Mannik brought him gold.. They did a side-by-side shot with both belts with the guys and wow does the new X title look like shit. TNA is finally cutting costs, so of course a STRETCH HUMMER LIMO came to the building. Hard to believe they're doing this when they once had Angle as world champ show up in stuff like a rented Lumina.

Jay Bradley came out to the most generic theme in history and cut a good promo about having no points, but only needing a few boomsticks to get some. Park and EY came out with the box EY had backstage. EY's plugging his show on a shirt that looks better than most of TNA's. EY gave him regulation headgear to prevent bleeding. Bradley decided to start with turnbuckle shots, which didn't work. Park almost apologized for that. Tremendous. EY's trying to get the crowd behind Park with the rally towel. These two have shockingly great chemistry together. It's hard to believe that the show is 40 minutes old, because it feels like very little has happened on a show with a relatively high amount of hype behind it...on Youtube, Facebook, and Twitter. BOSTON CRAB by Park! I loved JB saying a big submission here would get him up to 0 points. Bradley got the headgear off, but I be things aren't going to work out as well as he hopes. Boomstick setup leads to a Samoan drop win for Park. Now he's only at -3! Good lord, Sabin's first match as champ, IN A CHAMP VS. CHAMP MATCH, which actually sorta means something in TNA, is the hour 1 main event. Sabin as world champ wasn't likely to be a home run in anyway, but this is just ensuring he looks fairly weak for no good reason. Also, the MEM has an offer the Aces can't refuse or some shit later.

They aired an outstanding Rampage/Hogan/Couture/Angle that hyped him up, showed him as a smart guy, and put over the Olympics nicely. Then the Mafia met in an incredibly silly-looking room with bright red couches and white and black walls. Rampage punched the glass table and I was terrified something bad would happen. Manik wore his belt as a bandoleer, which was annoying. THEN SABIN DID IT TOO. WHAT THE FUCK. It could at least be used as a way to make one guy distinct, instead, two champs in only one match did it, and they're both supposed to be putting over a new belt and championship won respectively. The World title at least looks good in that setup, but the X title didn't. They did some moves and went to a break with no one giving a shit about this.

They talked about the TNA 10 Reunion, and gave you no specific reason to want to buy it. Sabin came back from the break with an #august1chinlock. Manik hit a powerbomb that the ref took a long-ass time to count. Finally, something exciting happened as Sabin hit a delayed superplex on Manik. While Manik looks maybe 180 pounds, that still looked impressive. Hail Sabin was countered into an attempt to Manik's wheelbarrow codebreaker, which was slowdly and awkwardly countered into a Victory roll for 2. Kick and Hail Sabin got the win. a win before the big TV defense, but didn't really look good.

He's yet to have a really good match since coming back, and it's disappointing since they're giving him the world title and even if it winds up being the TNA equivalent of Xavier's ROH win, it's at least something he can point to as a big deal in some way. Bully jumped Sabin, who saved Manik from an attack with machine gun forearms, punches, and an enzuiguri. Bully Flair-flopped and just left. This did nothing for me. Tenay bullshitted about Sabin's confidence appearing to go through the roof since he won the title. Taz was next to the stretch hummer and EXPOSED AUGUST 1...'s laptop with a video and a taped logo. Thank God Mr. August 1 was aware of possible legal issues not doing that could cause to TNA on the off chance someone opened an unlocked door.

 Storm's backstage in a suit live-tweeting. DANIELS-KAZ HAPPENS NEXT WEEK DUE TO THE BFG SERIES. That will be awesome. Kaz and Daniels talked about that not being Bad Influence, but being bad TNA!? Loved Daniels being too big a dickhead here for Frankie to take. Gail and ODB came out for their match. ODB implanted-up on the ramp and hit a big bodyblock on her trapped against the ropes. Shouldermount powerslam got 2 for ODB. She is so unbelievably over here - easily the most over act on the show so far. Gail and ODB brawled on the floor leading to a double countout. Gail was pissed until she realized she could still kick her ass. AJ just said a bunch of generic words about being bitter and stuff now. Dreams - THERE'S NO PLACE FOR 'EM, LIKE HEROES!  Go hop on your motorcycle and head to Hot Topic. Mr. A1 is h-h-here.

They showed King Mo kicking ass in Bellator for a change. Bully talked about the MEM watching the Godfather too many times. Well, it's about time someone point out how silly it is. Brooke found the violent biker gang's clubhouse and basically said that if Bully wanted his title match, he'd have to sign divorce papers. I like them foreshadowing that if Bully wants the title match, he has to divorce Brooke without saying it. Unfortunately, it'll lead to a 20 minute promo next week with Hulk talking about it.

AJ and Aries had a nice fast-paced exchange of holds before the break. They came back with A DRAGON SUPLEX from AJ! Some idiot yelled COME ON, BIEBER! Last Chancery from Aries. Calf Killer is locked on, but Aries goes for an eye rake and brainbuster. Other than him doing that really easily, this ruled. Aries was clotheslined...over the ropes in theory, but just rolled to the ramp anyway so AJ could go for a springboard and get gutted on the ropes. Clash off the ramp was countered INTO A BACKDROP OFF THE RAMP TO THE FLOOR. Holy shit. Suicide dive from Aries was avoided and he gutted himself into the steps! This is a very good, exciting match. OUTSTANDING standing chop/slap combo from Aries led to the KENTA COMBO from AJ, then a rolling elbow. Aries won after draping his arm over AJ and getting his shoulder up at the last second. Intense match, but the finish fell a bit flat. More MEM-Aces shit is next after the break.

Angle and his stupid shades got a USA chant. Anderson came out to talk for the Aces. God help us all. Please bring out #august1. Angle proposed an Aces-MEM match at Hardcore Justice where the loser will have to leave TNA forever. Rampage actually did some shit here. Tito came out to a generic version of Eminem's "Mosh". He's #august1warning, and Bellator is actually using a pro wrestling angle to further a real-life fight. Wacky.

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