Monday, August 26, 2013

Raw 8-26-13

No show intro - instead, they showed the Shield at ringside with their belts before HHH came down to a pretty good pop. HHH got in the ring a clip from Summerslam. Then he introduced more clips from Raw the night after. HHH said it was all due to Bryan insulting Steph. THE WORD ON THE STREET, AND THE UNIVERSE, SHOWS THAT BUSINESS IS BOOMING. And it's all due to one man. Shockingly, he meant Orton and not himself. Orton is apparently breathing new life into the company and the title. HHH promised him a gift - hopefully it's a NASCAR. Nope - it's an Escalade, and it got HHH's theme as its intro. Bryan came out and is unimpressed by this vehicle - preferring his Honda Fit. Bryan thanked the fans, then Cena for letting him wrestle at Summerslam, and HHH for finally showing his true colors and going from a rebel to a sellout. Orton told Dan to shut up. Orton's the face of WWE, but he'll rearrange it. This is dragging on for eons. HHH called him Jiminy Cricket and sang his song. I think that was great. He'll give Bryan the gift of a gauntlet match with the Shield tonight. The VMA replay is going to come in quite handy during lulls in the show. Miley's is on during the ad break and is a glorious trainwreck.

They came back and said you can pick the stip for Punk-Axel, and RVD-Alberto is up later. Cody's out to face Fandango. They did nothing until Miz came down, danced in Fandango's gear, badly, and they compared him to both Elaine and Miley. Maddox came down to make Miz and Cody against Fandango and Sandow. Cole talked about N-Sync while JBL talked about all of the babyfaces in this being assholes who stole stuff - Cody with the case and Miz with the gear. Just when you thought Miz couldn't look more ridiculous, you see him work in Fandango's silliest gear. Fandango left, so of course the faces double teamed the heel to win. The matches weren't bad, but this whole deal was ridiculous. They recapped the Punk-Axel stip and had King beg everyone to vote for Heyman to have to get in the ring with Punk if Axel lost.

LOS MATADORES vignette. So weird to do this gimmick due to Rosa being out, then bring her back and still do this gimmick. Christian said he has the scars from the Attitude era to show how hard it was to get through the McMahon-Helmsley era, and Orton's offended - and we're getting that later. YAY! Christian said that HHH likes to play with hammers, and found a new tool with Orton. Great line. They showed Punk on the app begging everyone to vote for C. Axel-Punk is up next. Hour 1 is thankfully nearly over - it hasn't been bad, it's just been dragging. The fans shockingly voted for C. Punk's left knee being taped up like Kobashi's frightens me. Axel got in some basic offense, but fell to the Shining Wizard in the corner. Fortunately, he was able to roll to the floor to avoid the flyign elbow, but ate a suicide dive for an ad break. Good timing too, since Timberlake's performance is replaying on the VMAs. Outstanding running kneelift from Axel. Sheamus did that move a ton, but rarely made it look good - this looked solid. Great punch flurry to the back of the head and forearm rake too. Punk won and gets Heyman! Heyman tired to leave, did, but got thrown back by security. Punk decided to not be a star and tried to bully Heyman, but was low-blowed by Axel. They cuffed him, and Heyman laid in an epic brow-beating, but Punk still kicked his ass for a bit. Axel got a cane and let Heyman whoop his ass. I LOVED YOU! (bonk) I CARED ABOUT YOU! (bonk) YOU WERE EVERYTHING TO ME! (bonk) This was right out of Magnum-Tully. The cane is a billion kinds of fucked up. Wow.

They recapped it, and showed some post-match stuff to further the whole "Punk is Christ" deal by showing his back all busted up. Nattie came out with the Funkadactyls while Brie came out in her ridiculous Summerslam outfit with Nikki in a black polka dot dress and Eva Marie in something. They did stuff, then AJ came out and basically babyfaced the Bellas, buried Nattie and TJ, and the other chicks. AJ buried the show and got a huge chant for it. All the women yelled at her to come down...why not just go up to her if she's pissing you off? AJ said that everyone else was given a spot for their looks, while she gave her life to get to WWE. She buried the Bellas for sucking dick to get where they are, said they're worthless, and not even worthy of lacing up her Chuck Taylors. AJ basically made herself the biggest babyface outside of Bryan here. That promo was

Alberto-RVD is up. Good luck topping that promo. They recapped Alberto beating Ricardo up. Ricardo came out with an airbrushed shirt, which they should really market. If they're going to go after the early '90s nostalgia market with Dolph's stuff, might as well try and make some money with some stuff that could hold more than an ironic appeal. If RVD wins the title, does he get to request little pot leaf flags in the corners? JBL referenced Linda Tripp for God knows what reason in 2013. If RVD wins, he'll get a title shot at NoC.  Nice climb-up enzuiguri when RVD was on top - it hit perfectly. RVD won with the goofy legscissor cradle that he's literally only used to pin Alberto Del Rio - twice no less, in the past decade. I'm glad to see RVD as the top contender to the world title, but it seems odd to do this now after teasing they'd do that for Summerslam, then have him not win the U.S. Title on that show. They recapped Cena's announcement on Raw last week and showed his elbow after surgery complete with a playitclean hashtag so you know 100% it wasn't due to steroids. Bryan-Shield gauntlet was hyped.

The Greatest Stars of the '90s DVD is apparently the #1 sports DVD for like a billion weeks in a row. Josh alerted Ryback THAT HE'S BEEN ACTING LIKE A BULLY! Ryback acted like a dickhead, bullied Josh, and said he finally found a way to shut Josh up. I wonder if Ryback's playing it clean like Cena. Axel and Heyman cut a great promo with Renee - Heyman looked so twisted. Paul Heyman comes off as so much more of a fearsome badass than Axel. They left, and Christian came out.

Orton came out and they talked about him getting a car, and King buying a Batmobile. Well what the hell - the guy died a year ago, why not go nuts and buy a batmobile. Cole hyped up the vile heel by saying you should check out a gallery on his customized belt on Loved Orton busting out the clubbing blows to the chest on the mat while cackling maniacally. More moves were done in-between talking about COOs and other corporate stuff. Christian took a nasty spill to the floor off the top rope. King said that the fans didn't want to be forcefed stuff, which was hilarious. The only thing that could've made that better was a Cole rant about the first amendment. Christian got the edge, and his back is really fucked up with welts. Cradle exchange led to Orton doing a chain of headbutts to send Christian into position for the draping DDT, countered into the Killswitch, which was itself countered into the tornado DDT. Christian is coming off like a huge deal here. He even got to counter the RKO. It led to the spear being countered, then hit. I thought for sure they'd do the spear-KO bit there. Christian is getting a shockingly high amount of offense here. He's coming off great. Shame they're doing this match after he failed to win the world title. RKO hit after a thumb to the eye. Bryan was in the back with Orton's pretty car. Bryan painted orange Yeses all over it - it's now a YESCALADE! So there's the joke.

Madd-ox and Huntor were backstage with Orton. HHH then said the car THAT HE GAVE TO ORTON was his, and the title belt is his as well - Orton just carries it for him. That was a really stupid line. And he then ordered Brad to get the whole roster on the ramp so he can talk to them, and fire anyone who looks at him wrong. Cole shilled Brisco Bros. body shop so the car could be repaired. PTPs came out and Cole said they'd tell you about their dance - A YEAR AFTER THEY STARTED DOING IT. Zeb came out and said the Real Americans have had wins stolen by the PTPs, who act like buffoons and bark like dogs. "If ya can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em." Well, that's sound advice. Then he said the PTPs were inferior. They just did moves. The crowd somehow didn't die. Zack buried the Yescalade joke on Twitter. Big spinebuster got the win for Titus - spinebuster wasn't quite what it could've been. He usually does an awesome Sky High. Cole did the PTP dance and JBL buried him for looking like a drunk elephant. They recapped the Wyatt-Kane deal and we'll Follow the Buzzards next...after an ad break.

Wyatt sang a creepy song about Sister Abigail mixed in with clips with them destroying dudes. Bray is not only a great promo, but a fine singer too. This man deserves more than just wrestling success. They recapped the car stuff and Punk barged into Maddox and Doc Sampson talking to demand a match with Heyman. Maddox gave him one with Axel and Heyman, in a handicap elimination match. Faces came out for the gauntlet. Brodus was in track pants that showed he has no ass. Renee talked with Show, who stopped short despite HAVING AN IRON CLAD CONTRACT THAT SAYS HE CAN'T GET FIRED. Dolph said nothing, and Miz stopped short too. Damn. I was hoping he'd get fired. Cactus clothesline by Bryan after a surfboard. Flying knee strike was countered into the Calgary crab. Then Bryan nailed a suicide dive that sent Rollins ass over teakettle over the desk and into Cole's chair. That was in-freaking-credible.

ON THE APP, Rollins hit the buckle bomb. Nice running forearm in the corner from Rollins. LOLed at Cole saying WWE ISN'T A DEMOCRACY ANYMORE. Great mockery of the Yes bit by Rollins. Bryan dropkicked his fucking face off in the corner. Curtain Call/Saving Grace from Rollins got 2.  King referenced Christmas Vacation by saying this was the gift that kept on giving - and it wasn't the jelly of the month club. VINTAGE DAY OF RECKONING 2 as Bryan hit a super German Suplex with a flip bump off the top. Bryan got the win. Yes Lock done instantly to Ambrose, leading to a DQ since Roman got involved. Then he locked it on Roman, and Ambrose got involved there. That wasn't a DQ for some reason. Bryan Danielson vs. Tyler Black basically just main evented Raw. Crazy. HHH came down, then the Shield hit the triple powerbomb on Bryan. Orton sauntered down to do more damage. LOLed at "I guess the rules that apply to most don't apply to the face of the company." from Cole. RKO to Bryan. The crowd cheered a lot for Show. HHH asked the geeks to part so he and Orton could pass - they did.

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