Monday, August 5, 2013

Raw 8-5-13

Generic show intro. OH GOD HELP US ALL, Stephanie is starting the show. Bryan has apparently agreed to take part in a makeover. She played a silly video with him getting all done up. His hair slicked into a ponytail looked good. His suit looks fine, but yellow is not a good color for him. A minor ROH chant broke out, then a bigger YES one drowned it out. Bryan basically had to point out his "flaws", and then yelled that HE'S A WRESTLER. I liked Bryan setting this up as the big guy vs. the little guy, saying that Cena would just never wrestle again if he lost, but if he did, and got fired...again... he'd wrestle in armories because HE LOVES WRESTLING. This was a really good in some ways, but feels odd given that they're setting up a big storyline for about the last moment. Vince came out and buried his outfit. Said he was a dwarf, and the physique of a toothpick. This all seems to be building to Bryan winning the title, which I'm all for, but this feels like the wrong way to go about it. It took them 15 minutes to build up to Vince wanting to cut Bryan's beard. It is pretty astounding to think that Danielson went from being in ROH to being in a main event for the WWE Title at Summerslam. Vince brought out a barber chair that he just happened to have backstage. He brought out a man with well-kept facial hair to shave him. WADE BARRETT. Wade got shaved and Bryan revealed a THE BEARD IS HERE shirt. They should really make one of those shirts with the arrow pointing to the side. RVD faces Alberto in the opener next.

So because Miz is hosting Summerslam, he gets to pollute this match's commentary and give this match a four-man booth for some reason. RVD won a nothing match with his wacky legscissors cradle thanks to bonking Alberto's head into the bucket. Then Alberto beat Ricardo with it. So now Alberto's act has about nothing going for it. Punk faces Axel in a match that should feel important, but doesn't. It would help if they were doing this match right after they did anything together instead of weeks later.

After the break, Cody showed in THE BEST SUIT ON THE SHOW BY FAR. He then replayed their best video package - the destruction of the case set to classical music. This video is like the Test-Steiner one where it really makes a feud seem so much more epic than it seems in real-time. Cody brought the case out soggy and stuff. Sandow went to get his case, but Cody sucker-punched him. So he stole his case and he's a dickhead about it. "You could hear each and every smart-ass remark." The crowd as a whole wasn't too hot about this. Ryback is facing Mark Henry in a WM rematch for some reason. Oh, and Sandow is ALL WASHED UP. GET IT! WATER!

They showed Ryback's ENTIRE SEGMENT WITH FOOD BULLYING. Mark Henry won via countout when Ryback left at the first sign of trouble. The Bellas bitched amongst themselves, then got along. Brie is several shades less tan than Nikki, whose breasts are insane. Nattie slapped one of them. Eva Marie was there too. Cena came out to improve the acting quality. He said that he's used to being booed, but now...the fans have to choose between him and Bryan. Cena then said that...Bryan was right and he would never wrestle again if he was fired from WWE. BECAUSE HE LOVES WWE SO MUCH! AND HOW DARE HE GLORIFY WRESTLING OUTSIDE WWE! Cena had passion, but this build is a tad odd even if it is working at making Bryan the clear face and teasing a heel-ish Cena. Orton and his greying beard sauntered down with the case. If he was cashing in, you'd think he'd maybe walk swiftly. The Shield prevented Orton from boring the crowd into a coma by as Cole said, marking down to the ring. Bryan came down to even things up, so I guess we'll get an outstanding 6-man tag main event.

Tons of Funk were in the ring awaiting a beating by the Wyatts. There's an awesome adopt me Bray Wyatt sign in the crowd. Tensai's growing his beard out and looks much older with that. Bray has added a new creepy backbridge using the ropes to his act. Kane showed up on the tron knocking them for using cryptic words with his own, and saying that he does what they do for fun. Kane teased an inferno match. They came back and recapped the Punk-Brock-Axel-Heyman stuff. They showed Kaitlyn being turned on again, and Layla said she turned on her to get what she deserves - attention. And she's flawless. Crowd gave no shits about this until Kaitlyn murdered Layla with the gutbuster. AJ distracted Kaitlyn and Layla won with the Cro Cop kick, called the Bombshell. Oh, and Dolph faces Big E later. Dolph feels like such a nothing now.

They said Total Divas is the most-watched reality show on E. Cody-Sandow was announced for the PPV. Every part of the graphic for Cody either made him look like a dork or stoned. Christian faced Slater in a worthless match where they talked about everything but the match. Nice outside-in backdrop from Christian. Slater taunted too long, got speared. Match ended. Punk walked around looking miserable because he faces the IC Champ next. They hyped up WM XXX travel packages with awesome shots of Brock from WM. Punk kicked ass. And a leg too - leading to the Perfect bump on the ropes. The traditional worthless post-break armlock/chinlock brought the match back. They did some stuff before Heyman got involved, then the match ended and Brock came down and Punk got his offense in this time. It's a shame Punk got a chair involved in this feud at the wrong time - the CHAIRS MATCH PPV isn't for a few months. Punk's chin got busted up due to I'm guessing the knee strikes. THIS RULED.

They replayed THE DOOM BRINGER! And then Brock talked! I'M THE BEAST! AND THE BEST! PAUL! SAY SOMETHING STUPID! Paul then made a match with Punk against him for next week. This was incredible. Fandango came out and he's facing Kofi - now with long tights. It's a good look for him. Trouble in Paradise got a win for Kofi. Steph and HHH acted badly talking about Vince being all nuts now. An outstanding Cena-Bryan hype vid showed Bryan's rise from NXT rookie to WWE Title contender. Zeb and the Real Americans were out draped in the Don't Tread on Me flags. Swagger flapjacked an Uso into an uppercut from Cesaro on the apron. Nice spot. Cole said that Cesaro was passing out Real American propaganda on the company's world tour. That sounds like a concept that at least one fun skit could be done with. Swagger bomb led to a swift tag and a leap-over double stomp. Atomic drop from Cesaro led to a knee clip. Neutralizer got the win. VIVA LA CESARO PUSH!

Dolph came out, then Big E did. Big E locked on the fasted abdominal stretch ever. Giant splash missed, leading to a botched Fameasser for 2. Kaitlyn came out to attack AJ all around. This led to the ref doing very little and Dolph getting jumped. Big Ending gave him the win. Even though he beat a former world champ, and the most recent one, that didn't feel like much of an accomplishment. 6-Man tag is up next!

But first, we have to learn that THE MIZ, THE MOST MUST-SEE HOST IN THE HISTORY OF SUMMERSLAM will have AJ and Big E on MizTV on SD. Cole hyped up Summer Camp to hype up...the replay airing next. And then they had a terrible live interview with two of the stars. Best part of Bryan's new shirt is YES!, YES! =YES! At 10:57, they showed the Brock-Punk stuff. Shield hasn't even come out yet. Loved Cole's outrage over Bryan calling Cena an entertainer, while he's a wrestler. Bryan was an awesome face in peril against the whole group. Schoolboy led to a YES lock and then a DQ when the Shield ganged up on Bryan for a couple of seconds. That seemed a bit premature. Bryan YESed and got RKOed. They took out the Shield, then he RKOed Cena too. Orton teased a cash-in by moving very...slowly...and then the Shield got involved so he nixed the cash-in. Good stuff here. They reminded you that he's got the case, showed you he wanted to use it, but on his terms. Spear to Cena from Reigns. Orton left Bryan to get triple powerbombed. Loved seeing the Shield back in a main event slot.

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