Monday, August 19, 2013

Raw 8-19-13

The show started with slow-mo clips of the PPV. They made it seem like an all-time great, although they did a better job of covering Brock-Punk than the WWE Title match(es). Despite HHH and Orton's deal, the show is starting with Cena. He said Bryan earned the title, which is far better than "titles come and go.". A WWE superstar should not be judged on his RACE, CREED, OR APPEARANCE!? WHAT!? Cena showed off his nasty elbow, and it's due to a torn tricep. Yikes. And his eyes is fucked up something fierce too. He said he couldn't work anymore, and would be leaving after tonight - this led to a glorious YES chant. He won't be active for 4-6 months. Bryan was brought out - he didn't do the YES bit. MASSIVE Daniel Bryan chant when he grabbed the mic. Before he could speak, Steph came out. Her crazy smile is in the tron for whatever reason.

I think she's faking tears. It's impossible to tell if she's fake bad acting, or just acting badly. Okay, she defended Hunter - so she's a heel now. "HHH WAS A REBEL! HE WAS A RENEGADE!" Wow. At least he then called him a sellout, and called Steph trash. He said he didn't fear being fired because he could go back to wrestling in armories and selling shirts out of his car if he had to. I bet Bryan's lack of fear is one reason Vince respects him so much to give him this shot. "You may not be an A, but you are a B+. SOLID!" - This is a really bizarre push. And then he implied she was a bitch, so the crowd chanted it. That ruled. Steph grabbed the mic, so he slapped it out of her hands. KEEP THIS MAN AWAY FROM ALL TIES! It's hard to believe this is nearly 20 minutes old, because time is flying by. Bryan was kicked out by Steph. He mouthed that he'd be back - can't wait.

Cody and Sandow got jobber intros for their unhyped rematch. They talked about Cody shaving on the JBL and Cole show - meaning WATCHING A MAN SHAVE is getting more hype than most matches.  They did moves. No shits were given before the break. Cody's face got rubbed in the mat leading Damien to ask how the mat tastes. I wonder if the mat tastes like chocolate. Loved King saying that MR. BELDING was there and Sandow tried to correct him. I demand a Sandow-Belding skit. Fans are chanting for the return of the stache. I'd like a return to better gear for Cody. He still looks like Meat. Cody won with a "very unique move" - a sunset flip. They said that a win here could make him the top contender for the World title, so...boy would that ever be terrifying given how un-over Cody is.

Maddox showed Dolph's tweet about never trusting HHH. Can't blame Dolph for not trusting HHH - he got buried a billion times when he started. And now Dolph has to face the Shield 3-on-1. Heyman's out next to speak. Heyman said it's not time for retribution - and he's willing to forgive Punk. He also called Brock "BIG BROTHER BROCK". I demand a sitcom called Big Brother Brock. "I'm about to get bozo on them bitches." - GO NAOMI. I love her threatening a Bella with POM POMS. After the break, they came out and JBL pondered where Planet Funk was. I think if you take a left near Parts Unknown, you'll find Planet Funk. AJ and Layla are the opponents, not the Bellas. Oh yeah, Nikki's hurt. AJ's ass is tonight. GIANT INOKI ENZUIGURI from Naomi. Schoolgirl got 2, but it was called a 3. Divas reffing is cursed. Miz hosted an annoying be a star ad. There should be an asterisks on-screen that lets you know if you lead to a Be a Star rally happening, you will be beaten up.

King wondered why Dolph was happy given his 3-on-1 match - valid. LOLed at Cole saying that WWE IS ALL ABOUT FREEDOM OF SPEECH - IT'S WHAT THEY PREACH! They ranted about freedom of speech for a few eons while guys did some moves. Giant jumping DDT got 2 on Reigns. Reigs won with the spear in mid-air during the Sting splash. Why aren't Team Good Guys coming to save Dolph? Triple powerbomb after the match. Awesome 2K14 ad aired. Cole did the LONGEST RUNNING SHOW bit. Whew, for a moment there, I'd forgotten I was watching THE LONGEST-RUNNING EPISODIC TV SHOW IN HISTORY. Sin Cara's the opponent, and looks AWESOME next to the little Mexican flags on the ringpost. Great shot of him with them and the lighting. Sin Cara fucked up his right arm and they stopped the match, but not before Alberto got in a cheapshot. I guess Sin Cara's figure will now come with two slings. Alberto's face is beyond fucked up. He's got a cut on his forehead on the right side, and the left side is all red. RICARDO returned! He represents someone new...Rey? Hopefully - then the whole Mexican hero bit will make sense. The crowd's chanting for him and... holy crap, it's RVD. And they did a closeup of Alberto's left eye they should never do. Ricardo and RVD is certainly...different.

Zeb cut a promo about WWE being the subject of a lot of headlines, and THE REAL AMERICANS SHOULD BE MAKING HEADLINES. THEY HAVE COURAGE. They're pure. Zeb's also angry about illegals paying for food with a debit card using funds from his taxpayer dollars. He asked for the WE THE PEOPLE bit and a ton of people not only did it, but it was on the hard camera sign, and they said it too. And then the PTPs got no reaction. I almost can't believe that Cesaro got Titus up for the suplex. Kaitlyn tweeted if Cody was selling his moustache, leading to JBL saying if they tried to sell Zeb's, it'd take three days. Then King talked about a rat being inside and JBL pondering if it was an arena rat. A fan held up a FAT SWAGGER sign when he was in the ring. PTPs won with the Gut Check double knee gutbuster. Cole said FROM BEHIND, DARREN YOUNG! el-oh-el Renee clearly robbed the wardrobe closet from Miami Vice with this black and pink deal. I like Show's black, white, and blue singlet. Show faces the Shield in a handicap match where they're allowed in the ring at the same time. Logically speaking, why didn't they do that before?

They had a silly Foot Locker product placement bit. When Ryder was there, it was stupid. When Fandango and his glorious black, blue, and silver gear danced in, demanded shoes, and got them once he was told they'd be fine for dancing, it was glorious. They should've had a Snitsky cameo here. They replayed the show-opening vid. They did more bullying with the shower...I sense a Heidenrape scene soon. Nope, although they did get really weird with him yelling GET UNDER IT and GET IT WET. They talked about Be a Star and Show came out. Show's near gear really freshens up everything. Massive running dropkick from Ambrose set up the flying knee from Rollins. Nice double suplex from Show to Rollins and Ambrose. Reigns spear evened things up. Triple powerbomb got the win with them all covering him. Wow. They're definitely rebuilding the Shield nicely here. Punk is up next.

Punk came out hobbling while they showed some nice stills from his match last night. Punk got a boo, then basically told a fan to fuck off, get in the ring, or just be a bitch and stay there. Well, that was a wacky work. I hope anyway. Heyman came out with Axel as the mid-boss. Heyman said that Punk would fight Axel tonight and told him to tape his hands up. Why not have Curtis tape his fists up before when his wrists are already taped up? Loved Axel coming out, going to give Paul the belt, but he's way far back. Giant case of whatever to the back. Ring bell to the...gut...VINTAGE HENNIG KNEE-BREAKER drop thing to Punk. YOU ARE THE PRODIGAL SON WHO BROKE MY HEART! BREAK HIS LEG! Heyman rules. GTS on the steps took Axel out. This has to be leading to a new Heyman guy. Nope. Punk just stood there and stared. Well, I guess the adrenaline wore off and he couldn't move much. Bray's first Raw match is next, with no real hype.

Another WWE 2K14 ad aired, focusing on the Rock instead of Taker. Truth came out to get got. Crossbody and the dance with Abigail got the win. Holy shit, the matador gimmick for the Colons is happening. VIVA LOS MATADORES! 3MB's facing the Usos. JBL mentioned the Gentrys, and they also brought up Heath being a Golden Gloves champ. One Uso did the Taker dive, then tagged out for the Superfly dive. Holy shit that ruled. Cole used a Ricky Ricardo "splainin to do" bit for Orton. I'd be fine with a punt for that.

They came back from a break a showed Miz being a prick to Fandango at Summerslam. Miz is facing Barrett tonight. Cole referenced their IC Title feud, which I forgot about. "Miz is a former WWE Champion" sounds like a really absurd statement given how much that title means now and how little he means. Tremendous sell from a big boot from Miz. Miz is awful chant started. I think Mick now could do a better Cactus elbow than Barrett. Big LET'S GO BARRETT chant broke out. Miz's face turn is doing wonders for him. Fandango hit the flying legdrop to prevent a Miz win. Summer Rae's dress was five million kinds of awesome. "Forget about Daniel Bryan, let's talk about me.". HHH at least addressed the issues with Orton in the past for the greater good. Orton came out and Teddy clapped a ton - that ruled. Loved the evil look Orton gave when he hugged Steph. Orton gave HHH all the credit - so he's the REAL WWE Champion. Orton and Hunter hugged, and then HHH invited Bryan out. "Hey Shield guys" - oh fuck HHH. He has a great way to make everyone seem beneath him. Bryan, the guy Vince called a guy you wouldn't think was a wrestler in a grocery store, came out and kicked the Shield's ass before a Reigns spear took him out.HHH dares to mock Fighting Spirit! HHH as a heel is perfect since it's impossible to like the guy anyway. RKO out of nowhere took him out upon entering the ring. So everything built to the McMahons holding their arms high. Goddamn that took forever.

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