Thursday, January 23, 2014

TNA Impact 1-23-14 - Genesis Part 2 - Land of Confusion

Pre-show vid during the credits hypes up Magnus as a paper champion...what a great thought to instill in people. In an odd move, they're hyping up Roode-Angle by showing clips from it before we've actually watched it - at least they're saying it's epic and validating it with a moonsault tease. Spud's arguing with Dixie. I demand that Spud have grey slacks and a jacket on so he can cosplay as Pee Wee Herman. Oh, and the investor storyline seems to be about nine months in here with a hostile takeover, good business, and A WAR! THEY are demanding things. Now the title match is no-DQ, no countouts...what is going on here? This thing is going on for eons. This is the longest backstage bit since the Aces and 8s. Magnus, EC3, and Spud came down. Spud MARCHED down in a pink bowtie, light blue shirt, and a bizarrely-shaded green pair of slacks. WHAT BAR is Spud dressed as? Thank God, MORE TALKING. Magnus is threatening Sting's manhood, and he came down to reply.

Love the Monsters Inc. sign on the hard camera. More AJ Styles talk. Investor stuff. We get this investor shit UNTIL OCTOBER, and it's only January and makes no sense. Maybe it's Claire Lynch and she's saved her Popeye money wisely and is out for revenge! Magnus is saying words, and getting a boring chant in the process. Magnus is dressed like a star here, while Spud is dressed like a total comedy act. A paper champion chant broke out. TEN MINUTES before we hear word one from a commentator, and it's to do play-by-play on a slap to the face. Joe and Sting have their retirement tour gear on. Joe will be in Sting's corner. GunStorm EXPLODES next., whatever. The following is a briefcase on a pole match! Of course it is.

NEW ERA OF TNA video airs. I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean. Spud said they need to take Joe out, so Dixie put him in a match with Joe BECAUSE HE WAS ON BRITISH BOOTCAMP! Loved him saying he shouldn't because he only won due to it having two girls on it. Spud is amazing. Gunner and Storm did some moves. Storm did the Sin Cara hopping kick thing on the buckle. Super fallaway slam from Gunner. Taz's constant state of confusion about this investor deal rules. I love that every angle in TNA revolves around everything changing forever in TNA. Storm did...a thing resembling a rana off the top. Jesus fuck. Sandman's Heinekenrana  looked better than that. Storm grabbed the case, and brought it down...thanks to an electric chair drop. They said it was like a live ball in football, well, that's new, and despite HAVING THE CASE IN HIS GRASP AND BRINGING IT DOWN TO THE MAT, he lost. If Angle wants to be inducted into the TNA Hall of Fame, he has to beat Roode, and if Sting wants to go into WWE's, he has to lose to Magnus. A goofy super-long ad for a beauty product endorsed by Cindy Crawford aired.

TNA RETURNS TO PPV WITH LOCKDOWN. Angle said he definitely doesn't deserve to wrestle in TNA...if he loses to Roode. Recap vid of Velvet volunteering to go into a GET THAT GODDAMN IMPACT 365 THING OFF THE SCREEN, THERE ARE GIANT TITS ON-SCREEN! She did a webcam video and showed the giant thing her boyfriend got her - a lead pipe! Tenay did some terrible-sounding VO talking about WHAT'S IN THE BAG! They came back and showed Velvet in the cage. This cage has GIGANTIC openings in it - like a cartoon where you can clearly see that people should be able to pass things through it. Nice chest slap in the corner from Aries, who tosses Sabin down then rides him for a sec. "THAT'S HOW FAST YOU CAN MOVE IF YOU EAT STRING BEANS! And other vegetables!" Taz rules. Gotta love the dude in full AJ getup with an AJ banner right next to Velvet. They hyped this up as a match between two former world champions who won thanks to Option C. NOW THAT is something to build this around to some degree, instead, we got a woman wanting to get locked in a cage. TREMENDOUS rolling elbow off an Irish Whip from Aries led to the corner dropkick. Sabin got the bag, AND THE TEDDY BEAR. No lead pipe though. Teddy bear in the trunks led to another corner dropkick, brainbuster, and 9,000th meaningless X Title win for Aries!

A really silly Wolves video aired hyping up the debut of THE INVESTOR next week in Scotland. This was different, but didn't really seem to fit the Wolves at all. Roode-Angle recap. NEW ENTRANCE GEAR FOR ROODE! It looks like a black and red Highspots pleather version of Shane Douglas's vest/robe combo. Corner mount punches from Angle led to a RUNNING POWERBOMB INTO THE CAGE from Roode. Wow. Crazy early spot there, but safely done. Taz talked about Roode being able to shift gears anywhere. If he's so good at shifting, shouldn't he be the shift factor? He also said that if he work ANYWHERE, watch Roode - well, that's true. Things like that make Taz seem genuine when he's given something to work with, and it's a pleasant break from getting so used to WWE's commentary. Rolling Germans led to some cage stuff and Angle got busted open a bit. Roode Bomb countered into the Angle Slam for 2. Ankle lock countered with an enzuiguri by Roode - nice, I don't recall him busting that out before. Roode took off the elbow pad and drilled Angle's neck with an elbow drop. Roode tried climbing out, but was stopped by Angle for a top-rope exchange. Roode went flying off a cage bonk, leading to Angle teasing a climb out. Angle straddled the cage, then got to the corner and missed the moonsault by nine miles. They showed a ton of replays - Angle's knees just had to be mangled by this. They both landed hard and he just bounced. Roode tried climbing out, but got ankle locked. The moonsault meant just about nothing. Angles goes to ROODE BOMB CITY, which gets 2. SUPER ANGLE SLAM! Only gets 2. That really felt like it should've been the finish.  Dueling THIS IS AWESOME/LET'S GO ANGLE chant! Nice slugfest on the top rope by both guys. Nice backhands from Kurt result in Roode crotching himself on the rope. So after a cage powerbomb, a moonsault off the top of the cage, and a super Angle slam, a guy hurting his balls winds up leading to the finish. Wow. I dug the little race at the end and this was good, but a bit too crazy for my liking.

Spud doubted himself, and then EC3 gave him a pep talk. Loved him saying he watched British Boot Camp - about 5-10 minutes of it. He's not the American Dream - HE'S THE BRITISH DREAM! Dusty getting put over huge here. I hope Spud busts out the bionic elbow. EC3 is buys here. The Bro Mans and DJ Zema are out. Ion's got a new giant tattoo on his left arm. #bromansruletheworld, #bestxdivisionchampofalltime "Not only are they the champions of epic fist explosions, they're the best tag team champions e-e-e-ver!" DJ Zema rules. EY came down and got beat up, with Ion's pants falling. Then Abyss came out. Cue joke about Ion picking the wrong day to wear white pants... YUP. It was done after the black hole slam. They should get Kel Mitchel to do a shot in TNA. "I'm a bro, you're a bro, we're bros, cuz we're all bros!" Abyss teased an attack on EY, but he didn't do anything. Lots of filler coming up because they hyped up the world title match right after Angle-Roode. Oh yeah, there's still Joe-Spud. Joe said that Magnus went from being his brother in arms to being SCUM in a year. How dare he insult Brutus SCUM Magnus. He also referenced knives in backs and him holding one.

TNA Maximum Impact VI begins next week. Angle cut a promo about Sting leaving being a cornerstone of the company. Then a bell rang and in-ring action happened that we couldn't see. The camera guy asked for Kurt to give Sting a goodbye message. He looked really sad at the thought of it and said he loved him and he wished him the best. This was a nice send-off for him. Spud's getup is so great - and it's made even better by his silly hair and tan. Joe gave Spud an opening, and Joe just tossed him off. LOL at Joe selling the KENTA combo! Spud's bumping off of corner chops. I love this dude. Super double sledge was countered into a chokeslam tease, then an eye rake helped Spud. Running dropkicks to the knee from Spud led to a corner charge and uranage counter. High knees from Joe led to the muscle buster and the choke. THIS MATCH RULED! That was a perfect match. Nothing about it could've been better. World title is match up next.

They said it was title vs. the contract, and...that's it. No TNA career retrospective for Sting. That leads me to think that Sting has re-signed since it's the end of "his contract", not his TNA career and he's the investor. Magnus feels like a TV Title-level guy holding the World title. He's definitely hurt by having such a rapid rise to the world title because his rise feels more forced and less organic - even Goldberg had to hold secondary gold before getting the main title. Nice back elbow smash from Sting. Sting's back elbow made me think about something. He's got some explosiveness in him, not a ton - but some. Finlay came back at an older age and had a bit of that, but stuck to a really grounded style. Now Finlay worked a stiff style that helped make it seem like he was doing more, and while that's not Sting's forte, I think Finlay could lay out some matches for Sting that allow whatever his physicality he's got left to shine while still having a good, grounded match. Double clothesline spot leads to EC3 coming down. EC3's bright purple gear looks pretty good - not as nice as the bronze and black stuff though.

Joe brawled with Bad Influence, then the deathdrop hit but Ion pulled the ref out. Beyond tired of this goofy bullshit after what, three matches with it over the course of a month? Angle came down and kicked some ass. 9,004 star bump from Kaz off the Angle slam. Superplex from Sting exposed his Muta bald spot for 2. Magnus pulled the ref into the Stinger Splash, then they did the Bret-HBK SurSer '92 finish leading to a tapout, but Roode came down, pulled the elbow pad down and took Sting out with the Northern Lariat. Mag Driver, but there's no ref. After approximately 500 years, Earl was dragged down by Dixie, and he did a super-slow count to take Sting out in theory. Sting's contract was torn up and they hyped it up as the end of the first TNA Hall of Famer. Dixie dressing like a schoolgirl is bizarre. They said it's the end of an era, and the investor's exposed next week. Well see, THEN you should start the new era vids - not before all this.

Screens -

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