Thursday, January 16, 2014

TNA Impact 1-16-14 - Genesis of McGullicutty

A NEW ERA BEGINS ON GENESIS! Taz and Tenay did a verbal tribute to her. "She's raising hell right now in heaven!" Shame they didn't use a photo of her, but the little text tribute was sweet. There is NO ONE in the building as the crowd shot showed. Recap of last week's show didn't help it from looking like bullshit. Spud's out in one of his goofier outfits yet. He's also getting a ton of heat, or maybe it's just some and the lack of it seems like a ton of it. Dixie came out in skinny jeans and a shiny silver top. No. There's a redhead in the crowd who looks like he's from Slingblade. Dixie's getting even more heat than Spud - God that freshens the show up so much. Dixie said AJ's now back "to the beginning" of his career, leading to a WE WANT AJ chant. Magnus came out with both belts, and looks pretty awesome. Loved "Ladies and gentlemen, this is YOUR CHAMPION speaking" leading to Spud doing the wave. Magnus gave Dixie the second belt "because you're the champion of our hearts forever and a day!" Loved her giving Spud her belt "but don't get too used to it - it's mine!" Dixie referenced a giant bonus in all of her helpers' paychecks - they'll be good! Spud struggling to hold the belt is so great. This dude has been amazing since day one in this role. EC3's out. Robbie dancing to his theme is hilarious. Before he could talk, Sting showed up in the crowd and pointed his bat at him. Given that this show actually feels a bit special and it's getting heat, I am so fine with this being Sting's final match in TNA.

They came back and Sting cut a promo in the crowd. "There are a lot of guys in the back who can't be bought - BECAUSE THEY HAVE HONOR!" Hmm...much like AJ now. 20 minutes in and this has really accomplished nothing. Love Sting's passion with this A HOUSE DIVIDED CANNOT STAND speech. Sting's army is...a bunch of goobers, and Joe and Gunner Manchild. What a lean roster this is. Sting trapped EC3 in the ring and hit him in the gut with the bat. Well that's a bit mean - he didn't really do anything. And it was the payoff to something taking up nearly the entire first fourth of the show. OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE THIS SEGMENT REFUSES TO END! Joe's got a mic and is demanding a fight. Spud made a 12-man tag right now - so at least the show has a match. Gunner and Storm, instead of facing each other, are in this wacky thing as just dudes. DBZ-style Joe sign rules. Tenay said they were back at the site of the first-ever TNA show in 2002, which sure as shit had more people there than it does now. Tenay hyped up Dixie's twitter hype of the Wolves. Kaz got dumped to the floor with a press slam from Gunner, then EY came in. I have no idea if this is a tag match or a lucha rules tag. ODB hit the fallaway slam on the Ion. Tenay said that Genesis is so big, it'll be a two week thing - so that's how they'll do some of the matches they can't do due to time. Joe hit a dive, leading to Park teasing one before being taken out by Kaz. His mouth got bloody and he Abyss'd up on them. And GunStorm. Joe taps Daniels with the choke, while a fan holds up a Curry Man sign. Velvet being drowned out, and apparently talking in a very echoey basement. Aries thanked her for saying nice things about him on the new trading cards. Velvet DOESN'T WANT TO TALK IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE in the back, so Sabin says they'll do it in the ring.

Angle in his thrift store getup demanded to know where Al and Dixie were. And then he was an asshole to some dude. Sabin came out and said Velvet's VERY SELFISH. Aries came out in purplish pants and said Sabin's the worst boyfriend who ever lived. Aries said he's a vegan, but he'll make an exception for some pigeon pie! I hope #pigeonpie trends. Aries challenged him for a match next week. Aries, AS THE BABYFACE, proposed that Velvet would be in a cage next week. Well, since she started her TNA career in one, this is VINTAGE VELVET. And she's fine with this...okay then. Aries yelled at another dude, now without his jacket on. Simon Diamond, looking enormous and old, in an untucked shirt, talked to Shaw about Christy. Shaw destroyed him.  Simon's got a fashion problem with these neon green shoes. Magnus talked to EC3 about how he beat Sting clean at BFG by submission. They're already teasing a match between these two ONE WEEK into Magnus being undisputed champ. HOLY SHIT, A SCHEDULED MATCH as the hour one main event! Bully-Anderson. Bully came out, Anderson jumped him, and did one move before a break. Goddamn, they're killing the pace of this show.

Anderson's mic tights are indy-riffic, but look decent. Anderson's got a hospital band on - so his wife must've just given birth. They did the back and forth chair bonk spot from ECW mid-card matches. Lockdown's on PPV, and tickets go on sale in a week. Chairshot to the head with a chair assist from Bully...and it only gets 2! Unreal. Guardrail is brought in by Anderson, but it's kicked into him, then he gets slammed onto it. Senton missed, then the Kenton missed. Mic Check on it got 2. This is like every 2000-era hardcore comedy match, but in fast forward. Rock bottom from Bully gets 2...this is just a bunch of stuff. Now it's a video game match. PRESS Y TO IGNITE, BULLY! Bully insulted his kids, hit the mic check, and opted to do stuff with the lighter fluid. Got low blowed and piledriven for a loss. This was nothing. I liked it ending with a piledriver given that it's been so crucial in this feud. Rayne-Gail is on tap for tonight's show. Sting-EC3 seems like it'll be the main event. Angle found Al, who ratted Dixie out, and slugged him.

Angle came down. YAY MORE TALKING! Angle said that Dixie's the reason he came to TNA seven years ago. Seven Dixie said that she was looking out for Kurt's own safety. Well, she was protecting him from himself by having Al drive him around. Buncha words back and forth. I hope a SHOW SUCKS DIXIE chant breaks out. Angle's match was post-poned until next week. BOO! Roode jumped him and hit THE ROODE BOMB. Sounds like he's taking a shit. Madison got jumped by Gail and Tapa. Madison's looking hot. Shame this show's such a clusterfuck.

Dixie, WHO WE HAVEN'T SEEN ENOUGH TONIGHT, met with Earl and took him out of the Sting-EC3 match. They showed the Gail attack again, but you couldn't hear it due to poor audio mixing with her theme. Madison hit THE SCISSOR STOMP! At least that spot finally has a name. Rayne Drop hit out of nowhere and she won. This got a mild reaction. And she got no celebration, because it's time for MORE TALKING. Ugh. At least Sting was intense. A REAL NEW ERA HAS BEGUN! THE WOLVES met with Dixie - they signed their TNA contracts. They get a TRYOUT MATCH next week. AND THERE'S A NEW TNA INVESTOR! EC3 got his full intro here - it is pretty awesome. Spud came out as the ref with his wacky theme and silly tie. I demand ShopTNA sell Spud's bow ties. "YOU'RE A DOUCHEBAG!" Spud makes the crowd come alive! With SECONDS, they teased a DQ due to a hair pull from Sting. We're getting AJ-Magnus II here with the bullshit. SUPLEX ON THE FLOOR FROM STING. Dude can still go to some degree. Still though, he wasted in TNA. Ask Dixie for an immediate release if you can get Vince to follow her on Twitter or something. Deathlock showed off Sting's bald spot.  Sting spun Spud around into EC3. Deathdrop. No count. The. Fucking. State. of. This. Show. EC3 won with a schoolboy after Magnus made himself the ref and fast-counted. This was bullshit. Sting demanded a match with Magnus. Okay, Sting faces Magnus with his career on the line next week.

Sting said Magnus disgraced the title, "JJ Styles" and THE BUSINESS. He wanted one more shot and insulted Magnus's manhood to get it. Magnus and his receding hairline came down to confront him. Magnus gave him his shot - but if Magnus wins, Sting's contract is terminated. Sting's possible TNA retirement got no reaction. Well, they did give him a "no" chant upon hearing that his contract would be renewed. I hope he goes into the WWE HOF with Warrior.


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