Roman Reigns was 7 when Raw debuted in '93. Good to know. Faces get a jobber intro. Bryan came out in his gas station gear. I'm amazed they didn't already make a little goat mask to go for the sheep mask Rowan wears. Bryan looking like Rowan really highlights how much shorter he is than him. They did some stuff before a break. Bryan's just looking stoic, and it works. Wow. We get clips of the Usos on the app, but nothing on Lawler. He's apparently fine though. Jewel and PeeWee Herman tweeting about Raw...how odd. Rey hit a rana on Rowan, which looked ridiculous, but awesome. Harper blind-tagged in to fuck with Bryan, but got cradled and lost. Usos got their theme played for half a second before the announcement of the win. Piper's Pit has the Shield later. Batista hype vid - goddamn his theme rules. And he'll be in the Rumble match. So...why is he coming back on Raw then? JBL's got snakeskin boots on tonight! Recap of Sandow winning due to the shoulder being up. Why this warrants any further coverage, I have no idea. Mr. Kane read paragraph 43 of the WWE HR handbook to Maddox. Big E walked down the Cameo Corridor and met Volkoff, Ted Sr, and IRS. WHAT COULD THIS ANNOUNCEMENT INVOLVING THE WWE NETWORK LOGO BE ABOUT!?
Ryback made a horse joke about Lilian. Axel's facing Big E - neither guy got an intro. This seems to be setting up Big E-Ryback. So much for a possible Big E-Brock match. Good lord the crowd is dead here. Love Snoop giving Brodus a shoutout. Big Ending exposed the Big Baldspot, and Big E won. Then Ryback took some shots at Big E saying he was doing stuff with 2 guys, and people wondered if E could do three, then he told him to get over. Piper came out and is rocking the salt and pepper hair marvelously - he looks so badass with it. Piper looks at least 30 years younger than Flair. Rollins said Piper's jealous because Ambrose is a better US Champion than Piper ever was. Well, certainly better than his WCW U.S. Title run. This is Piper's best work since that awesome promo on the first Old School Raw with Cena. Punk saved Piper, who at least tried to do something. NEW AGE OUTLAWS helped! They really should've given the Outlaws a tag title run when the belts meant nothing, or maybe had the Shield beat them for them. Brock-Henry vid. Rumble highlight vid. Oh yeah, that's coming soon. Batista hype vid for the Rumble - now doing that makes a bit of sense. It's almost like what they did with RVD, but less laser-guided.
Recap of the Hunicara-Alberto feud. Sin Cara's in his red and white cinnamon gum gear against Alberto in white, black, and gold. Hunicara is really bad at lucha. His running flying headscissors looks like it's from a video game with bad collision detection. Alberto wins with the grounded superkick. So that was a thing. Alberto cut a promo on Batista, so he gets to be his first victim. They said King was fine and backstage, and then talked about the Wyatts blaming Bryan for the loss? Why? It was Harper's fault. Bryan nutted up and said unlike these guys, he'd been a tag champion with Kane - which seems to be setting up him being involved with this down the line.
THE BEST DEFENSE IS A FENCE! Zeb's signs rule. The new Cody RhodesDust shirts are awesome. I love this endless series. JBL talking about APPLE PHONE is something else. Sliding running Bret elbow from Goldust. Goldust getting more limber as he ages is bizarre. Cesaro swing was saved FOR THE FUCKING APP! Hot tag to Goldust was teased with 2000 COULD BE HERE AGAIN. I sure hope not - that wasn't a good year for Dustin - I think he was in WCW then. Patriot Lock is on Cody for nine years. Cody looks so skinny in there with him. Goldust made the save. Blind crossbody block off the top from Goldust onto the Real Americans! Low bridge takes out Cesaro. Final Cut, Curtain, Curtain Call, or whatever the Suplex>Neckbreaker thing is called got the win. DDP and Booker T did a DDP Yoga plug, with Booker outright calling it a plug. DDP looked younger than he did before against Heath. Then Simmons showed up. So...old WCW guys age better than old WWF guys. APP RESULTS are next!
Sandow was shown, and Cole was shown clearly reading from his script. YAY RUNJIN SINGH CAME BACK! JBL read the winner. He should've said Voted on the WWE App on yer Apple Phones and Samsung Whatevers. It's Sarge - BOO! He looks ridiculous in the old school ref getup. This match sucked last week, and was worse with Sarge as ref. Khali won with the chop, but Sandow's foot was on the ropes. GODDAMMIT, THIS MUST CONTINUE! Sarge danced and they said he was twerking. Brock debuted an EAT SLEEP CONQUER REPEAT shirt. NOW we get the old school Raw intro? Brock with '80s graphics and the '97 Raw set is weird - as is the weird mish-mash of eras they've used for the presentation. Brock smiling means doom is coming! Heyman, via Brock, said that Old School isn't about giving legends one last hurrah - IT'S ABOUT ONE MAN REIGNING SUPREME! Heyman said that Brock's line Bruno - everyone wanted a piece of him. Hogan reigned supreme and everyone wanted him. Heyman said more words and Brock did his jig. THERE'S NO ONE IN WWE, MMA, OR PRO SPORTS WHO CAN REIGN SUPREME LIKE BROCK LESNAR! Last week, HE TOOK ON AN OLYMPIAN AND LAID HIM OUT! Loved that spin. Heyman did the valley girl loser L bit. Then he repeated the T-Shirt slogan and Henry came down again, got some offense, but got taken down and had his arm broken with the Kimura. Brock's crazy eyes during this ruled. Surprised Big E didn't come down to make the save. Show came down instead. Shame this isn't fresh off of the Authority stuff, because Show has no momentum now. Brock took a great backwards bump off the ring from a beal.
Truth and Woods against the Real Americans was hyped up for Main Event...for God knows what reason. Bellas came out to face Aksana and Alicia. Brie seems unconcerned with her fiancee's life change. Alicia is dressed as a sailor, not a sailor scout, just a sailor. Nikki did a tweak the knee spot on the floor. Thankfully, this wasn't career-ending. JBL hyped up Aksana being the only Lithuanian on the JBL and Cole Show. Cole's got some nerve calling that the dumbest statistic he's ever heard. BRIE MODE missile dropkick missed, and Aksana got the win. WWE.com better not crash during the Network announcement. Scotty 2 Hotty being a firefighter is kinda funny.
3MB's out. Slater's got new black and gold gear. Shockingly, it's 3MB vs. Too Cool. I loved these guys in the '00 Rumble. Brian's looking better than he has in many years. Cole called them the Hip Hop Twins, which JBL knocked him for. Outright saying he's just making crap up. Well, he'd be the expert. THE WORM hit. YOU CAN'T MAKE STUFF UP. Like Mistico being AAA and CMLL champion. Scotty was a great face in peril. Rikishi always had a big ass, but seriously, he's got a big ass now. Vader butt drop off a sunset flip got the win for Rikishi. This was a lot of fun. I could see Too Cool getting a part-time run off of this, or at least be someone they call on for legend shows. Rikishi...probably not so much.
Usos face Bryan and Wyatt next week. All the legends came out...to THE GODFATHER'S theme. Bob Backlund finally has some grey hair. Bad News Barrett appeared. Oh good. They changed the podium and logo. BECAUSE THOSE WERE THE PROBLEMS! Barrett has apparently joined the Wolfpac judging by the logo. Main event is next. Yet another awesome Big Dave vid! Orton faces Big E on SD. MEAN GENE! CALL THE HOTLINE! Only $6 a minute! He introduced the Outlaws. He should've pimped 1-900-DL-THE-APP. "Billy's blowing up", and not rocking the deep-dyed blonde and grey hair well. Ribera Steakhouse jacket! And matching gear for Punk. They hyped up Punk having rib injuries caused by Reigns - would've been nice to hype that part of that up at some point over the past week, what with a ton of hours of TV time to do so. REVERSE bear hug after a blah elbow drop from Reigns. Crowd is still dead. They've been doing very little tonight. Superman Punch misses and leads to the Cro Cop high kick from Punk. RUNNING POLISH HAMMER by Punk! Sheamus won't be pleased. Flying elbow connected nicely, but the move still looks terrible. Kinda surprised he didn't bust out the Savage gear tonight, but it wouldn't have fit the jacket. Outlaws taken out by the Shield, and Reigns hit the Superman Punch as a counter to a springboard whatever for a 2.9! Crowd chanting this is awesome will be used for the eventual video package on this when they track Reigns's face turn. Reigns called for Ambrose, who got on the apron and gave him an opening to spear Punk for the win. JAKE ROBERTS CAME OUT! AIRPLANE SPIN GTS TO AMBROSE! I was hoping he'd just spin him into a DDT. I'm disappointed he didn't spin him right into the DDT, but damn that ruled! And then Jake ended the first Raw of 2014 by having the snake kiss him. This wasn't a great show, but it was damn sure a lot of fun at times.
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