Thursday, January 9, 2014

TNA Impact 1-9-14

"IT'S A HISTORIC NIGHT!" Sure doesn't feel like it - for TNA anyway. Still, it's a unification match on free TV... a week before the "free PPV on TV show". Dixie's out in a giant pink sweater and leather skirt. This look is bizarre. Why the fuck did Dixie wait until the start of the show to get a contract signed for this show's main event? Even though Dixie's in a turtleneck, her neck looks really old. Dixie's saying way too much here and not giving AJ any time to speak. She wants a no DQ match, and AJ says that's fine - she can have her guys come down and he'll have his. So they're basically telling you that there's going to be a bunch of shit going on - oh, and the boys in the back were the Friends of AJ. A "you don't get it" chant broke out against Dixie. It's impossible to not love this angle revolving around Dixie being a bad owner of a wrestling company who's killing her company with crappy gimmick matches. Magnus came down and had her leave so he could talk to AJ. AJ said that he worked for 11 years to get the world I guess his other reigns didn't matter, and he'll restore honor to the title and Magnus should get his lips off Dixie's ass. This was 12 minutes that felt like 30.

Dixie met with Tapa and Gail to discuss fuck-all. Tapa's ready for something. EY and Park are out for a tag match. Dixie met with the BroMans, who look ungodly oiled up with the lighting on them. YAY DJ ZEMA! Robbie and Jesse's physiques always test positive...I bet. Flair flip opened the match, but Robbie interrupted the strut. EY ran wild with suuplexes and punches - he is such a crisp worker. OH NO! ODB HAS BEEN ATTACKED WITH A HOLLOW ORANGE BOX! EY left, leaving Park alone. Tenay talked about "The ultimate test of endurance!" - getting through this show without caffeine? Robbie clipped the knee leading to the air horn bit from Zema. Bro Down got tons of horns. DJ Zema is so great. Ion's air-horn being in sync with their offense is great - I decree this gimmick to be the best overall thing in TNA since it's actually entertaining. ION'S PODIUM HAS ALTERNATING LIGHTS! It's official - Ion's podium looks more major league than Barrett's. Bro Down on a guard rail because why not. Joe's meeting with Dixie, and looking really old with the beard and giant shirt. Dixie made a match with him against EC3.

They came back and showed Park with a possible concussion, while EY took ODB out. He has NO IDEA what happened despite watching the attack. Storm called out Gunner Manchild. Storm was an asshole. Gunner was a bigger asshole, and Storm challenged Gunner to a fight. I think Storm's the more honorable guy here. Storm demanded a pole match because he doesn't think Gunner can do it again. You couldn't challenge him to a better gimmick match? EC3 jumped Joe. They returned from the break with the brawl continuing. Oh, and Kurt has issued a steel cage open challenge tonight...why is there a cage needed for this? Nice side-swinging DDT leg snap from EC3. Spud and his sweat stains prevented the muscle buster - I loved Joe just selling this as a minor annoyance. Wrench to the knee from EC3 to Joe. Angle told JB he's getting ready FOR THE BIGGEST MATCH OF HIS CAREER at Genesis. No. Just no. They might as well just run his Twitter crawl alongside this to further kill his credibility.

AJ brooded in the back with some artsy shots. They showed the ODB, Park, and Joe attacks. The trainer diagnosed a partial tear of his patella without an X ray. Gun Storm was KOed with movie blood next to them. Sting yelled at Dixie for setting this up - Dixie then talked about THE SPORT of wrestling. Dixie said Sting's like Dr. Phil. The acting here made me pine for the days of Tiffany in ECW. Angle's cage was set up for his match. Angle appeared to be fresh from a shower - just soaked in water before coming out. Roode came out after the break - so the valiant...bad guy...doesn't want to wait a week to kick his opponent's ass. Or not - MORE TALKING. He said it'd be stupid to face Angle tonight - so he put Bad Influence against him. They did some stuff before the 2-on-1 edge led to a ref distraction during a cradle. Chain of Germans led to some belly to bellies. Super German to Kaz onto Daniels. Angle slam on Kaz gets the win. Dixie yelled at someone to leave the cage up, then Roode said he didn't want to be in a cage match against Kurt tonight. He was even more pissed about facing Sting in it. Roode was great here. Roode's outrage is the best thing not involving Ion so far.

Kurt met with kids to take photos, but was whisked away by Al Snow due to an emergency. Roode came out for his...impromptu cage match. Really now - TWO STEEL CAGE MATCHES on one show, with no build for either, no reason for them, and not on Lockdown. At least this should be good-ish since Roode plays Flair perfectly and can get at least a decent match out of Sting no matter what. Why didn't Dixie make this match a 2-on-1 match against Sting since he's the only guy investigating her? I guess she's feeling generous or something. Roode climbed and they showed fans in the front row - not even bothering to look up. They're just sitting with their arms crossed not paying attention. Roode got slammed into the cage and bumped all the way to the other side. Stinger Splash led to the deathlock, but Roode countered with an eye rake. DVD was countered with the death drop and then the deathlock. EC3 and Spud ran down, with the latter hiding behind EC3.  Spud threw a telescopic baton in and Roode won by...escaping the cage. Odd to not pin him, but whatever. This was a fine five minute version of their usual match. Roode is officially the only guy who can get a good match out of Sting now. Anderson went to a funeral home at Bully's request for whatever reason.

Yup. They're at the Aces and 8s funeral home, with goofy music playing. Bully's new gimmick sucks. It's a good thing TNA's off PPV, because Bully's new gimmick is no buys. Bully left Anderson a gift in the coffin - something we didn't see. This gimmick absolutely sucks. Sting met with Dixie, and she threatened to not renew his new deal. I could do without school marm Dixie trying to seduce Real Estate Steve. Recap of the AJ-Magnus stuff. This really didn't even make for a good video package. A ShopTNA hyped up deals on some terrible One Night Only DVDs and God-awful MMA-style shirts. They ran down the Genesis card - everything but Bully-Anderson has been built up well. AJ came out for possibly his final match in TNA history - I should feel more excited about this. Highlights of his TNA run would've been nice, and would've made sense given that Dixie would do anything to sign him for the one night deal. Neither guy actually wore the world title around their waists - which just makes the belt seem like a prop. A fan held up a HE HATE ME jersey! Holy shit! I don't watch football, and only caught a bit of game 1 of the XFL, but I remember He Hate Me.

EC3 and Spud came out like two minutes in to interfere. Then Sting came out. Fuck this. Sting and AJ went back to back. This would be a fine story for a tag match since it's 3-on-2, but not THE WORLD TITLE UNIFICATION. Bro Mans and Ion helped out and got Magnus a 2. This looks so low rent, but makes sense given that Dixie tried to get them to help earlier. Bad Influence came down and hit the H-Bomb neckbreaker. EARL WOULDN'T SCREW AJ and make a count. Earl left, then Dixie came down with his son in tow. High-low from BI gets 2. Okay. This is becoming a video game. Sting took out the tag champs and EC3. Magnus was kicked off of the cloverleaf taking Spud out, and then AJ took out BI with Sting's help. Corner forearm to Kaz, Stinger splash on Daniels! Ion went flying and his pants went falling over the top. Calf killer on Magnus, but the ref was taken out by BI. Brian Hebner took a great bump on the railing - best part of the match by far. Clash on Magnus but there's no ref. Earl came down, but was taken out by BI at 2. Flip dive from AJ onto them. This is a waste of every talented person in this match. Roode hit the DVD on AJ to leave him open for a Magnus attack. He at least got heat for this since Kurt couldn't come out. THREE DVDs to AJ from Roode. That got the win. Odd to not even have Magnus's finishers get the win. Magnus and Dixie celebrated with both belts - AJ's belt was noticeably duller than Magnus's.

Screens -


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