Monday, January 20, 2014

Raw 1-20-14 - Batista Returns

It's Martin Luther King Jr. day and BIG DAVE IS RETURNING! Historic black figures were shown in a video. I'm slightly surprised Obama actually made it in given how Vince doesn't like him. Steph did a rah rah rah intro, and they showed a We Want Sting sign. Steph's teeth are super-mega white tonight. Orton interrupted HHH's intro for Batista. "Orton's been in an awful mood all week." - So I guess he saw reviews for his match. Steph and Orton said words horribly. "THE BIGGEST EVENT IN THE HISTORY OF OUR BUSINESS! THE FIRST-EVER OVER-THE-AIR STREAMING NETWORK." These are things a real person would say. They showed Orton's attack on Cena Sr., and some black guy beat him too. In hindsight, it's a bit surprising they had the token black beat Orton a week before MLK Jr. day. Steph ranted at Orton. Good God almighty can someone please force Steph to go to an acting class. Just one. Please. She threatened. To fire. Him. More network babble. WWE Network starring Orton - the Chinlock Channel. MORE TALKING. I could sure go for a Dixie promo right about now. HHH showed THE BACK, where CENA WILL BE LATER. I hope Cena sneaks into the building in a box, complete with a wacky exclamation point when he's spotted. Cruiser Dave in skinny jeans! TO USE A SOCIAL MEDIA TERM! #batistasback. Cole is beyond annoying. He came back, kissed the mat, and hugged Steph and Hunter. So I think they're a face act now. Big E and the tag champs face the

That sure is a dingy office chair just right by the back door for whatever reason. Outlaws face the tag champs for the titles on the pre-show. King asked how, and Cole told him THAT THEY BEAT THE CHAMPS ON SD! #batistasback is trending. #batistasjeans should really be trending. Duggan, Flair, and HBK will be on the pre-show on the panel. JBL, the heel, doesn't support Orton. The heel/face dynamic is weird. Way too much teasing of a Cody/Goldust split from JBL here. Faces go to an ad break with the edge. I love Cole explaining to King, the 40 year vet, how a Rumble match works. They gave Rumble stats and then JBL buried the mere idea of them. GODDAMN is Big E ever explosive given how bad his knees were. Odd that he doesn't wear kneepads. I love him just steamrolling fuckers. Then they did a crazy finish with the spear to Reigns, then the bodyblock, a knee to the gut from Ambrose leading to a combat roll tag and a Blackout for the win.  Superman punch during the disaster kick was incredible. Bryan-Bray recap for last week's big deal. Bryan talks about the Wyatts next.

Bryan got a bit of an intro that showed off HIS NEW RALLY TOWEL! Bryan said he had to go into the family to break them down mentally. He cut a nice intense promo on Wyatt. Bryan teased a beating of the family in the Rumble, but his buncha words didn't get much of a reaction until he said he'd face Wyatt at the Rumble. Sadly, there was no yoga teleport - Wyatt cut a promo on him via the tron. Summer Rae got a partial entrance, despite Summer being in her shortest dress yet. Fandango in his black, purple, and white gear fought Xavier. I dig this gear a lot for him. Intense Falcon Arrow from Fandango. That led to the flying legdrop and a win. Goddamn - Fandango WON A SQUASH. Emma did her dance in the crowd. Mr. Kane and Brad argued. Then they cow-towed to Steph, because of course they would. Kane's hairline is different on the left and ride sides.God. The ac-ting here. And what's worse, it's giving me flashbacks to Kane-Punk on ECW!

Mr. Kane's out. Mr. Kane/Punk recap. Kane read a prepared speech, and then Punk held a mic like it was a knife. Punk attacked Kane LIKE A COWARD. Billy Gunn is dominating the former WWE Champion CM They came back and Billy was on the defensive to some chops. Billy moves around great for a 50 year old. Punk attacked Road Dogg, then hit the neckbreaker on Gunn. Wacky spinning top bump off the apron from Road Dogg. GTS got the win on a very tired Gunn. Kane cut a promo on Punk. Kane-Punk is a match no one on Earth wants to see. Not now. Not Sunday. Not on the Chamber PPV. Not ever. Oh, and Punk's the number 1 entrant in the Rumble. THEY SHOWED A FIGURE IN THE BACK. It was Brock in a swank black and red tracksuit, and Heyman in a giant coat looking awesome. I want that tracksuit.

THE NUMBERS VIDEO AIRED! Steph narrated a Mae video. I can't wait for Steph to get a VO like this devoted to how much of a pioneer she was in her time. That was a great video though. Rey came out...and Cole said it was time for ANOTHER REY-ALBERTO MATCH. OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE NO NO NO NO NO NO! Dammit - JBL gave a logical reason for this match to happen again. It's the rubber match. I still don't want to see it though. Alberto got a jobber intro. I would be so fine with them just somehow being able to air clips of this match without the full thing needing to occur. Orton started the show WANTING TO STEAL THE SPOTLIGHT OF THE NUMBER 1 TREND ON TWITTER! Goddamn that moonsault was scary with Rey's knee getting caught under Alberto. DAFUQ's with JBL referencing CHiPS in 2014? Next he'll be saying Orton's as serious as Joe Friday. Nasty sorta-Warrior's Way replay. Alberto hit a diving something to Rey. FLYING CANNONBALL DIVE from Rey onto Alberto. Great stuff there. Buzzsaw kick got 2 for Rey. This has been their best match in this 3 match series. TREMENDOUS nearfall with the 619 leading to the splash, but Alberto got his hand on the rope at 2.999. Alberto countered the wheelbarrow bulldog with Vader's reverse powerbomb and hit the armbar for the win. Batista came down to fight him, while JBL talked about their TWITTER WAR! Big spinebuster hit. He's got even more wacky tats than before, and hit an unseated Batista bomb.

Cole talked about Brock and Show's deal on "WE'LL CALL IT OLD-SCHOOL RAW!" you know, like it was called then. Show squawked like a parrot doing a Heyman impression. Because what I want from a Brock feud is WWE COMEDY. YAY BRINGER OF DOOM! Sadly, Brock's not in his tracksuit. They came down and then just laughed him off and left. Show told him to get his ass back here, and then...Brock just came back down. Face to face... Show really doesn't seem as big as he should seem in there with Brock. They did a corner charge and Show alley ooped him over the ropes to the floor, with Brock doing flips. Dude earns his pay each time he's out. Brock's being a bit too silly with the bumping, but he's determined to at least make this memorable. I'd probably dig this more if Show wasn't just a mid-card tag team nothing a month ago.

AJ and Tamina came down, and they showed a skit where BAD NEWS BARRETT in a black velour suit insulted her. This skit sucked. Funkadactyls came down to face them. Naomi got the hawt tag and did the flipping Taker/X-Pac lariat, and then demolished AJ and shook her ass a bunch. Naomi got a rollup and beat AJ! I'm astonished she didn't lose for her honeymoon!  They hyped up a recap of the Authority saying words before just showing Batista being great. Usos face Rowan and Harper for whatever reason next. Quick WWE Network hype graphic. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE NUMBERS setup once again. They pay an entire writing time money and they can't even come up with a different line for this? New vid talked about how Kane's many eliminations are good for business. Kofi's pogo stick deal was also shown. Replay of the original MLK video that started the show.

Loved the Usos dancing all wackily to their theme. Usos whooped some ass with nice kicks and strikes to Harper. DOWNLOAD THE WWE APP TO WATCH HARPER MAKE SILLY FACES! Crowd did nothing, Bray got up out of his chair and said DOES THIS NOT PLEASE YOU!? He stopped during a chinlock. More USO CRAZY stuff from Cole. Stop trying to make Uso Crazy a thing. It's not going to become a thing. Flying Uso! Harper countered the other, then Bryan attacked Bray. Schoolboy cradle for the win! YAY! USOS GET THE KOFI-LEVEL WIN. Speaking of Kofi, where's the man who BEAT THE WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION last week? WHAT THE FUCK!? HE'S FACING ORTON AGAIN!? Oh boy. They showed a graphic for the tag title match - Billy looks 60. JBL repeated his "WE GOT A HO, A WOO, AND A HB-SHIZZLE!". JBL alternated between putting Kofi over for the win and burying for it by saying it was a fluke. King said even if Kofi won again, it would be a fluke. So even if Kofi wins tonight, it's still a fluke. Clearly, someone said "book him like Chris Weidman" and they decided this way the way to do it.  Orton stomped slowly. Look at the ramp. Sorry Kofi - only Cena can have Superman gear on. Poor guy's doomed. Kofi lost by DQ when Cena came down and brawled. Cena had to wait so long so his new shirt would be ready. He's also got a bright green arm band and a rally towel. They brawled in the crowd. I love Orton casually strolling away from Cena, and Cena brawling with a rally towel in his pocket. Orton got into a car and left.THE MOST ANTICIPATED REMATCH IN RECENT MEMORY! Really now? AFTER THAT BULLSHIT!? Cena ended the show posing. Wow. That was nothing.

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