Thursday, January 2, 2014

TNA Impact 1-2-14

This is bizarre - they're showing clips from the Impact we're about to watch during the Cops credits. At least the coronation set looks okay. Angle came out and gave an AA speech about his life and career before Roode came out. Roode's intensity in his promos reminds me a lot of Shane Douglas, minus the needless swearing. Roode decline's Angle's request for a rematch unless Angle promises to leave TNA forever and never accept the HoF. Angle then demands a cage match with Roode. Roode, DESPITE HAVING THE POWER TO STOP THIS, just accepted it. Spud got knocked on his ass in an all-white getup. I'd be shocked if his pay per night is enough to cover his outfits. Loved Taz saying that Spud's dressed like ice cream. Dixie cut a promo talking next to a Nick Studios sign, then received AN UNSIGNED LETTER VIA COURIER! They came back and Dixie met with Spud, whose white watch matches his other gear. Gail's cutting a promo and God bless her, but Tapa just looks so nervous standing there. Gail's BEGGING Tapa to emote. Or move. Or do something. Madison and her awesome purple Batgirl gear came down for the match. Taz got angry at Madison jumping Gail, then someone equated that to worldwide anarchy and people throwing shit at at each other. Madison did a suplex then a swinging neckbreaker. Taz told Tenay to call him TC3. Taz talked football. Nasty reverse Alabama Slam by Gail. SOS out of nowhere got the win for Madison. Sabin cut a promo on Velvet not even looking at her, and saying if he didn't win, they were done. This required Velvet to emote, which firmly establishes Sabin as the heel here.

Angle met with Gunner, who readily accepted his offer immediately in an awkward manner. Storm was miffed about this. X Title time. God, the X Title looked so flimsy when the ref held it up. Crowd chanted "Shelley's better". Aries begged them to shut up while Taz and Tenay talked about relationships. Velvet yelled loudly that she wouldn't help Sabin. For some reason, the ref didn't just kick her out. Stump puller into a cradle got 2 from Aries. Love the Superman diving axehandle from Aries. Shame the match is a backdrop for the storyline. Velvet got on the apron...just stood there...Aries told her to get down, he got hit in the balls, and beat with a small package. There was a minute of good stuff in there. Sabin thanked himself for winning the title - he's great as a the colossal douche boyfriend. Samuel Shaw debuts next.

 Spud practiced his speech, then got a call - Dixie's theme is his ringtone, and the same number hung up on him numerous times. He noted the area code, then demanded tea! Shaw came down in white pants, a black shirt, and black gloves. He looks sleazy, and had Hemme leave the ring before announcing Norv Fernum. He's now got a chiptune theme song. Shaw's really good at playing this subdued guy who's got a screw loose somehow, but you can't quite pinpoint it. There's a bit of Waylon Mercy in this. Variant of the 3.0 backbreaker, with the pendulum backbreaker drop for it. Arm triangle choke got the win. This gimmick works for me. The crowd didn't dig it, but there's some life to this gimmick. And then Storm whined about Gunner, who he doesn't get along with, choosing to be Kurt's partner, and he met with a MYSTERY MAN. Dun dun dun!

Roode talked with Storm, who said he didn't trust him at all, but needed to send a message. He said Roode could either team with him, or he'd kick everyone's ass - including his. FINALLY. Storm grew balls again! Recap of the Magnus videos from last week. Angle came out for the tag match. His partner, MISTER INTENSITY THE MODERN-DAY VIKING MDV GUNNER came down and cut an awful promo with JB. This has been a great first hour - the best since it became a super-budget show. Hopefully the second hour will be about as good. Roode came out in his Terry Taylor robe, and they continued hyping up that it could be a Beer Money return. Storm came out. This being the hour 1 main event really hurts it since they should've had a couple more videos of explaining this deal. I do like the idea of them still hating each other, and only teaming up for a common good tonight. Gunner no-sold buckle shots by slamming his head into them, leading to Taz saying "there's the intensity of Mr. Intensity." - God that nickname... Storm and Gunner did stuff. No one cared, and why should they? They were a team for maybe six months, for no real reason, and didn't have much chemistry. Double suplex from Beer Money got the big chant again. This is about a perfect return because the crowd's going crazy for it, but they're not playing into it at all. Kurt got the tag and kicked some ass, and used the ankle lock on Storm. A save was chalked up to Roode just wanting to win. Gun Rack led to the Last Call on Gunner, and the death valley driver got the win for Roode. This was a lot of fun. STING IN A MARVELOUS PURPLE AND BLACK SHIRT snubbed Spud.

EC3 came down. This gimmick works perfectly for him. This intro led to a recap of the tag match main event that saw EC3 pin Sting and cause the retirement of Hardy - a match I forgot about. He cut a promo with a Hulkamania sign in the corner. EC3 mocked Hardy's terrible singing. He demanded that Hardy be his intro. HE DID HARDY'S ARM WAVING BIT! Sting and his shirt came out before EC3 could name himself the winner. He called him Dixie's lapdog, leading to a chant for that. The mere fact that the crowd cared about anything is a plus. EC3 made a match for himself against Sting at Genesis. This sorta-reboot of TNA has worked pretty well because they're building up to new acts facing older ones, instead of what Russo did, which was just throw guys into feuds with main eventers without a reason. Park talked with EY, and then Bully was all forboding and said he'd set Park on fire if he wrestled tonight. So yeah.

Bully, who lost his mind after losing the title, is just back. He's in his white and black shirt, which was his best one. Bully looks to be maybe 250 pounds now. Park's got a bald spot forming on the back of his head. Bully's Harley Davidson knock-off hoodie is rather shitty. Kick to the balls from Bully gave Park the win. So EY, in recreating a match from two years ago, didn't bother making it no DQ. Bully sprayed lighter fluid on him. Kennedy ran down like a goof to make a save, but got sprayed too. Bully kept him at bay with a 10 cent Bic lighter. And from attempted murder, it's time for the coronation!

Spud, as the spokesman FOR THE ENTIRE CARTER KINGDOM, stood mid-ring with EC3. This set at least looks pretty decent - far better than when Anderson celebrated a world title win with a pinball game. Spud is so great as a goofball. Dixie said she was on a flight to New York and read a magazine article on AJ, then she turned the page AND IT WAS A SIX-PAGE FEATURE ON MAGNUS! Dixie fawned over Magnus in a way that if I was Serge, I'd be pissed. Magnus told a great joke and the crowd needing to keep their women in their regular, upright positions when he comes out. Then he returned Dixie's praise...these two have to be fucking. Gunner's generic theme hit. It's so generic that it took the announcers time to figure out what was going on. He threatened a cash-in...and then it was break time.

Gunner cut an awful promo about cashing in the shot. Dixie didn't allow the shot to be cashed in...way to cut the balls off of Gunner and the stip. EC3 and his suspenders beat up Gunenr, while Spud attacked with an iPad. AJ ran down and made the save. They did a belt-to-belt staredown. "AJ, YOU ARE NOT WELCOME!". Dixie's hilarious. AJ's belt looks shitty - or at least the strap does. Dixie tried to get a yes chant going, but a no one broke out. AJ said that Dixie made the title a farce...well, that's true. AJ's cutting the best promo yet in this feud. AJ made a challenge to determine the true champion. AJ said if Magnus didn't accept, he could never be considered a true world champion in either the fans' or his own eyes. Magnus made the WORLD TITLE UNIFICATION MATCH for next week - not the "PPV on free TV" in two weeks, nope, next week. Then Magnus said he'd leave the company if he didn't get the match because he wanted to make sure no one ever doubted him as world champion. Then Dixie was an asshole to Magnus, who got AJ a one night contract for the title match. It's odd to have seeds sewn already for Magnus being a face down the line, but I guess it's smart to give him some sense of honor before sending him to England as world champion.

Screens -

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