Thursday, January 30, 2014

TNA Impact 1-30-14

THE SECRET INVESTOR IS FINALLY REVEALED! After 2 whole weeks. The show-opening video opens with no audio. A terrible-sounding Tenay VO aired for a Sting farewell video. JB and Tenay are just yelling and can barely be heard, while Angle argues with Spud, EC3, and Magnus. Spud has a bright blue blazer and a black and white polka-dotted pair of slacks. EC3's got a white blazer, a white belt, blue pants, and a bright red shirt. Magnus can barely be heard on the mic. The audio is just awful here. I do love how packed the arena looks - it at least APPEARS to be major league, although it's got ECW-level audio. I like EC3's little American flag pin on his blazer. Magnus referred to the company shedding 80% of its roster as a thinning of the herd. I love that Magnus's character is thoroughly based on his Fighting Spirit columns.  Magnus took all credit for taking Hardy, Sting, and AJ out. Then EC3 bitched at him, barely audible, and then Joe and Angle came down. More words that can barely be heard. Magnus made a tag match with himself and EC3 against them. HUGE Ethan chant here. Oh good. The main event isn't just made in the opening segment, BUT IT GETS TWO SETS OF STIPS! Dixie came down and asked Joe if he could hear her. No, we can't - no one can hear anyone! Then she said "cut the music" with none playing. I can't believe they didn't edit that out. Fans with ICW shirts on chanted PAPER CHAMPION, then a TNA FEARS ICW chant made air. Good God, that was 15 minutes of talking that could barely be heard. OH NO, JOE'S KIDNAPPING VAN IS BACK!

The Wolves got out of the mini-van at least looking like stars in black suits. Gail and Tapa got jobber intros against Velvet and Madison. They recapped their history at the BPs...Oh yeah, Madison was a BP. And a blonde. Velvet's blue velvet gear is quite hot. Velvet's ass is looking great in this gear. And they won in like 2 minutes with In Yo Face. Nice doggy style post-match pose. Sabin came out looking like he's been homeless for a month, which is a fine look for him. Velvet broke up, then yelled "I'M VELVET!" - so Velvet knows her name. Good for her.  Angle ran into Roode's dressing room and attacked him. They came back and Angle yelled about Roode costing guys their jobs. Thank you Kurt, for loudly yelling exposition! And then Joe threatened to murder him on TV. They showed a main event graphic for .01 seconds before Storm came out. Russo has to be back. Storm's out in his T-shirt. Must mean he's ready for a TNA World Title shot tonight!

Storm said that he and Gunner were friends before TNA...well, that would've been nice to know before. When they were a team. "To be remembered" - the words of Gunner Manchild. More talking. A fat, balding old guy is texting instead of paying attention. Oh, and Storm wants finality for a feud THAT ENDED! Gunner talked about his son, Storm's kids, and how you'd do anything for them. He said he told Storm dark things - how he got the name Gunner, and how he sacrificed everything. There are some compelling threads in this story, but they're not forming whole cloth with this execution. Gunner is fantastic here. Storm's putting him over, and the crowd's going crazy for all of this. This would be a great team-forming promo. This is getting way more of a reaction than I expected - it's definitely delivering the goods. It's a great promo to form a team. Shame it's happening after they've been a team, been tag champs, had a feud, and blown it off. Bad Influence came down and said he should put the case on the line. YAY, MORE STIPS IN RANDOM TAG MATCHES! Good lord, this fucking show...

Sherrie's Berries ad! Steve Austin's podcast and TNA Impact now share advertisers. Coming soon - Alpha Brain! Shame the Alpha Male isn't around. I hope Bad Influence wins the case and puts it on the line in a game of Tic Tac Toe. Musical chairs would be amusing too, but I doubt TNA's got the budget for that many chairs.  They hyped up Brooke being on the TNA chat. Unless she's doing a webcam Skype chat, no thanks. Tenay hyped up that THIS COULD BE THE LAST TIME JOE AND ANGLE ARE ON IMPACT. So of course you'd build this match up over the course of two whole hours. Nice slingshot suplex from Gunner. SUPERFLY HEADBUTT gets the win. Gorgeous finisher there. Dixie said some words to Spud about finding out who the investor was. About half of this could be heard.

Joe got a history vid, while Sting didn't. Then Roode met with Dixie. He wouldn't take her money, and how has scruples for some reason. ODB met with EY. She looks a bit old now. EY's ready to team with the monster, and Spud's ON THE CASE!  "Is everyone in the building ready!?" made air before Tenay ran down the main event setup. Why on Earth can't the Impact Wrestling text on the video wall move? It's like they just used a screenshot of a screensaver. Spud called Scotland the England B-team and got a TON of heat. The Wolves's theme is pretty good. Generic, but it's got some punch to it. They kept their names too, and I don't mind "American" being taken from the moniker. "Nice of you to be in your dad's best suits. Very 2005. I've been in the US for a year now. I've seen the cop shows. I'VE WATCHED MAGNUM TA! Who's the investor!" Spud rules. Alarm Clock put Spud to sleep. YIKES! Didn't need these angles of Spud in tight pants. If anyone interferes in the main event, they'll be fired. I love that being an odd thing. EY-Park history vid. @theRealAbyss. So it really shouldn't have been hard to find him.They showed the X Title for the Tag Title match. DJ Zema was fantastic, then the Bro Mans came out and were wacky. I would so buy that shirt if it did the boom bit. And then an Adam and Eve ad aired with a ton of bleeping.

Tag title match had moves. Heels were great foils here. Ion's gear has five billion colors in it. Abyss threatened a Shock Treatment on the ref. He did it, so they lost. Then he chokeslammed EY. This was a thing. Tenay talked about Abyss giving up the tag titles. THE MONSTER shockingly didn't care about being tag champs. Abyss sniveled on the ramp, and then EY made a monster's ball match for next week. EY is the best part of this deal.  Tenay said "Casket. ROLLING!? TOWARDS! THE RING!?" when Bully rolled one backstage. Samuel Shaw and Christy had a date with some wacky music playing and security camera footage of his room, and his Christy shrine. Bully's got a small casket. It must be representative of all the money TNA's made. Thank God Bully's traded in his fake Harley hoodie for a Motorhead one, and is back to actually cutting promos. Bully said that the crowd loved Mr. Anderson - well, heels are supposed to lie, but that's a bit much. WHY DOES BULLY WANT A REMATCH!? HE DEMOLISHED KEN IN THE LAST ONE!? Bully wants a casket match. Ken and Bully exchanged words. Recurring theme tonight. THIS FEUD SUCKS! Bully wants to piledrive Bully's wife, and not with the move. Then Ken hit him with a chair a few times. Whatever.

Then the world's wackiest video package aired for Angle. He's a cyborg, and they made this clear with 6th grade CGI. My God. And then EC3 and Magnus bickered. YET ANOTHER ADAM AND EVE AD. Enter Spice23 to save 50% on dildos, get 3 DVDs, and get free shipping! The video quality on this ad was shockiingly low. "THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS MATCH CAN'T BE OVERSTATED." Sure can't - it's for a shot at a title recently held in a Dixieland match, and defended in non-stop handicap matches. Angle's got his left knee all braced up, and he took a nasty corner charge in the corner where he bumped to the apron. THE INVESTOR came out the limo-van, but only had his shoes revealed because the Wolves threatened the camera guy. At least they had a reason for that shot. Oh, and there's this match going on with world title implications. Nice running diving lariat from EC3 to Kurt. JB said WE SAW HIS FEET! So Snitsky must be glued to the screen. OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY ON THE FLOOR from Kurt, who at least took the bump on his stomach. Choke on Magnus. And just like that, he tapped. Wow. This was nothing. In theory, I should be hyped about Joe being #1 contender, but he won in a nothing match that was overshadowed by THE INVESTOR! They shouldn't have showed the set - ROH's on its worst day looks better. I love Spud covering Magnus's ears from the "you tapped out" chant. It's 11 and there's still no investor. Angle said HE'S BACK. When did he leave? And Angle's going on the hall soon too. MVP looks like a motherfucking star and has one of the rare main event-level themes in the company.

Screens -

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