Monday, January 13, 2014

Raw 1-13-14

The wacky Wyatts recap from SD aired to start the show. Well, at least that means this is an important angle again. Usos get a jobber intro against Bryan and Bray. Bryan's garbage man getup now looks slightly more formal. Daniel Bryan chant's breaking out. Bray tagged in after some corner kicks and hit some explosive shots of his own.  Love King saying "the fans don't wanna see this!". Harper has a vest on! I should really make him in No Mercy, or FPR. Usos got the advantage with some kicks. This isn't bad, it just comes off as stuff going on. Double dive! Harper and Rowan cause a DQ. Cole talked about how THE USOS WOULD'VE WON if that hadn't happened. Well, it happened, and they still won... They circled Bryan, and he accepted his fate and took Sister Abigail. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?" VINTAGE KRUSTY from JBL. And then the Wyatt bit hit and it's Cena's first match next. WHEN THE WWE NETWORK DEBUTS, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO WATCH EVER ECW, WCW, AND WWE PPV!

Sandow was in the ring and they showed Cena beating him with one arm. CAN CENA BEAT THIS MAN HE BEAT BEFORE WITH ONE ARM!? Cena's neck appears to be broken in his itunes theme art. DON'T FORGET TO FOLLOW WWE ON TWITTER AND TOUT! King talked about how Cena-Orton would now be a wrestling match after the TLC one - VINTAGE TNA! #sisterabigail is trending! I would love just one Bill Watts rant on all this Twitter stuff. Sandow countered the STF with the shittiest-looking version of the Edguctor ever. SUPER DDT tease from Sandow. That shockingly got countered and Cena hit a tornado DDT. Cena doing the tornado DDT seems a bit like Sandman doing a rana off the top. Sandow hit a thing they called a facebuster for 2. It was kind of like that '80s womens spot of two women just grabbing each other's hair and that somehow hurting one person more than the other. Crippler crossface from Sandow led to Cena making silly faces until he picked him up into the AA for the win. Cena Sr. and an ALL AMERICAN BOYS shirt are shown. A Sign Styles sign made air earlier. Outlaws team with Punk later in a rematch against the Shield, so they get their win back. WWE Network hype next.

@OfficialChili thinks the Network is brilliant! Chilli from TLC wants the Network, and so should you! (if you remember what TLC is). Tons and tons of Network stuff. Boy, they're really throwing the Chamber PPV under the bus. Maddox acted badly with Mr. Kane. Maddox made a rematch of tonight's opener, with a steel cage stip! Boy, that would stop the long as no one climbs it. Holy Jesus this whole thing was Taryn Terrell as GM-level bad. Big Show came out, oh, and he's got a match with Brock in 2 weeks. Show gets to kill Swagger. EGADS. Cesaro needs that designer stubble back - the darker hair just doesn't look good. It's camo singlet vs. camo singlet! Chokeslam. Show wins in like a minute. Raw is...stuff for the sake of stuff. Big Show then chased Cesaro, who left, leaving Zeb vulnerable. Show teased him, grabbed his ass, went for a big windmill punch, and then KOed him. Brock, please destroy this giant asshole. Goddamn that was terrible - what awful build for a Brock match. Shield match is next.

But first - BIG DAVE HYPE! Road Dogg came out and cut his promo - now about MAKING SOME NOISE IN THE DUNKIN DONUTS CENTER. I'm sure he's made some noise at Dunkin Donuts. JBL ribbed Billy for forgetting his promo. DO SEE DO from Punk and the Dogg! Rollins mixing it up with a full rash guard on. Lilian's odd saying MAKING THEIR WAY IN THE RING. Cole said tonight's cage match is the first on Raw in over a year. JBL said Billy Gunn needs to be reminded to age. Given that he's working in a shirt and dyed the grey, I think he got the reminder. EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT THE WWE NETWORK, THAT'S THE REVOLUTIONARY WWE NETWORK, ON TWITTER. AND WHEN THE WWE NETWORK LAUNCHES, YOU CAN REWATCH THE ATTITUDE ERA! Cole talked about a WWE site piece on Jake Roberts. Nothing really happening in the match. Punk hit the dive to Reigns on the floor. This Archer ad is a billion times funnier than Raw has been. FLASH FUNK IS TRENDING. Hot damn - maybe Scorpio will get a one shot. Cole tried to get THE FOX over as a nickname for Ambrose. Crazy super dropkick from Reigns on the floor to the apron-draped Punk. Rollins kept yelling to Ambrose to attack the eye of Punk. Reigns threw Ambrose in and let him tag Rollins. Punk went for a tag, but the Outlaws left - VIVA LA CORPORATE OUTLAWS! Reigns got the win with the spear. Reigns demanded a triple powerbomb.This at least takes the focus off the middle-aged part-time guys turning heel. Wyatts deal interrupted and Bray cut a promo about how the Usos should be scared to be locked in a cage with them.

Funkadactyls danced to face AJ and Tamina. AJ has yet another shirt. Kudos to her for becoming the biggest female act in the company over the past five years or so. EMMA was shown in the crowd, AND NXT WILL BE ON THE WWE NETWORK! They hyped up the live special - kudos to them for finally acknowledging NXT. JBL did the M. Bison OF COURSE! bit. Cole hyped up Steph inviting the Patriots to the building - so is she a heel or what? Shining wizard gets the win. Orton yelled at dudes while not wearing pants about wanting to know where the Authority was - Cole said it was due to Orton demanding to talk with them tonight. So he of course waited until the show was half over to do this. First HOFer will be announced next.

BUT FIRST, Orton has to exposit to Kane about Cena at the Rumble, Brock wanting a match, and Kane told him that he could beat up Kofi. That's FORMER MAIN EVENTER Kofi Kingston. BUT FIRST, more Network hype - complete with the countdown. First HOFer is WARRIOR! Complete with a new kickass HD graphic! Lots of block logo blurring on the video. Cole hyped him up as being outspoken and having OUTSTANDING CONTRIBUTIONS. Renee met with Heyman to talk about Show, complete with clips. Renee said that Show's path of destruction didn't end with a senior citizen - good to know. Heyman pointed this out. Heyman then said that Show's surgery to fix his agromegaly could lead to idiocy! Paul's doing his absolute best to put a good spin on the Zeb beating. Orton's out to face Kofi.

KOFI WILL BE IN THE RUMBLE, along with a bunch of other dudes. Ultimate Warrior's trending worldwide! Cole is just laughing and saying words now. There's a match going on here. Not that you'd know it from the commentary. Superplex, complete with Orton yelling KICK OUT OF THIS! I wouldn't even bother doing that move in such a nothing match. They talked about how great Warrior's HOF speech will be. DDP and Jessamyn Duke are tweeting each other about Raw. JBL wished death upon Kofi - that seems a bit harsh. Orton locked a chinlock on for nine hours. A super-shitty SOS hit and KOFI WON! WHAT!? Goddamn - think about how much more this will mean when Orton beats him on SD! Orton threw a temper tantrum. Orton attacked Cena Sr, kinda. He was shoved, and then "punched" with Orton's arm way too high up to do any damage. A woman screeched terribly. FINALLY. Build for the Rumble main event.

Replay furthered how goofy this is. This attack looked so terrible in every way. The shove looked bad, the punches looked worse, AND THE ACTING. Good lord. YAY GOLDUST! Tag champs are in the Rumble, and facing Rybaxel next. Ryback should face a breathalizer. They hyped up Ryback's Twitter rant. They buried Ryback for being all brawn and no brains, and explained the arm wrestling stuff last week being due to him backing out against Titus years ago. Cody won with the Cross Rhodes. Rey faces Alberto, because they're Mexicans. And maybe also because Rey's Batista's buddy. New Batista vid. These Batista vids are so awesome. Oh yeah, he's returning on Raw and not the Rumble. Rey did an inset promo talking about winning the Rumble eight years ago. It's impossible to think that was 8 years ago. Rey did the seated senton, which he should probably take out of his arsenal. Rey must've said a bad word after hurting his finger. Alberto missed a shoulder charge and hit the post, then went down back-first onto the steps too. Superkick to Rey while he was hung up in the top rope. Armbar gets the win. Then he said some words. Batista gets to destroy him next week.

WWE Network Twitter hype and a big-ass video package on the press conference. I picked a good time to make a sub. Or paint a house. Mr. Kane on a (Verizon) cell phone is weird. Punk's angry at the Authority due to DX attacking him. Kane said he's got news for Punk - he's in the Rumble match! And he has a problem with Mr. Kane. Main event's next. Outlaws face the tag champs on SD. Some NE Patriots were shown - one had a Winged Eagle replica. YAY ANOTHER RECAP OF THE ORTON-KOFI deal. This feels like a blah SD with all of the recaps and filler. I just noticed that the Usos have alternating wrist bands - one wears one on the left and the other wears one on the right. They got their full intro here. Bryan and Wyatt got the jobber intro - which made sense once they showed them while Kane was padlocking it. Crowd is so dead for this. They did stuff. Crowd didn't care. Break.They did something good with the match during the break, because they cared after the break. Whisper in the Wind gets 2. Crowd got alive for the kicking combo from Bryan leading to the tree of woe dropkick. Crowd began chanting THIS IS AWESOME with Bryan doing stuff, then taking a double superplex. Abigail's kiss led to a superkick. One Uso DOVE OFF THE SIDE OF THE CAGE ONTO ROWAN, and then the other escaped. And then it just meant nothing because they did a little attack bit after it. Bryan got ready for Sister Abigail again, then resisted. YOU DEFY MEEE!  Huge Daniel Bryan chant broke out here. The crowd got even hotter when he finally had Bray alone and just whooped his ass. He took off the garbage man getup and further kicked ass, then tossed Bray into the cage whenever the other Family members tried to get in. HYYYOOUUGGEEE Yes finger point from the crowd led to the knee on Bray. This ruled.


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