Monday, January 11, 2016

Raw 1-11-16

Recap of Steph's theme hitting last week, which honest to God, I thought was just how this show was starting. We get Steph's theme AGAIN in this video package. The roster of goobers is out to hear Vince's theme as he comes on-stage. Steph is the worst Vince impersonator ever. Conor's Vince Walk was far better. IT'S THE 23RD ANNIVERSARY OF RAW and this was only brought up while the McMahons come down. FANDANGO COULD BE WWE CHAMPION! Vince tells Dolph that HE COULD BE THE CHAMP. Well, he was the World Champ. TWICE. But I guess that doesn't matter. They screw up the Booty stuff and Vince and Steph say different parts to set it up. Wyatts show up mysteriously to say that Anyone But You stuff. Brock's in the Rumble too.

Roman says what if he does win, and Vince debuts the one versus all match. I think Steph tried to say "long night" there, but couldn't. Sheamus jumps Dean, and their match is next. Sheamus beats him up for a while, Dean gets an occasional comeback and plays a great babyface in peril. Dean's loosy-goosy offense is sometimes good, but it looks wonky tonight. Dean sends him to the floor for an ad break. Dean goes for a flying nothing, but eats an Irish Curse and takes the Edgucator. They brawl on the floor and of course we get a double countout. Sheamus gets busted up on the post. Owens jumps Dean. LET'S SWITCH GEARS TO THE NETWORK. AND IF YOU'RE A MORON, YOU CAN BUY THE SHOW FOR $45, BUT THAT'S MORE MONEY THAN $9.99! The Highlight Reel returns with New Day. Lordy.

Steph dances while Vince is amused and Heyman says that he likes One Versus All, but doesn't like Brock in the Rumble - he has plans and VINCE DOESN'T WANT HIS PLANS CHANGED. Ziggy Stardust paint on Stardust! Titus vs. Stardust II...why couldn't this be Once in a Lifetime?  Oh yeah, 50/50 booking. Stardust hits the worst Side Effect since Tuesday's Impact on Titus for 2. Titus hits the Sky High for the second win in a row - so he is at least better than someone. Or not - as Stardust beat him up.

Jericho comes out in his leather light-up jacket with a tie and no shirt. The state of this fucker. Big E tells Jericho to stop the booty chatter. Jericho pays tribute to Lemmy by...saying he's doing a tribute to him by saying overkill. No reaction for New Day. Minor one for Rooty Tooty Booty. Usos come out and shame New Day, and the crowd actually cares about them and reacts to everything they do. Jericho calls the Usos his "back of the bus brothers".

Usos out-dance E and Jimmy smacks him. Xavier plays the horn. Whatever. New Day rocks in the corner after an ad break. Jey gets a big running dropkick to E and an Uso Crazy dive. Jericho attacks Woods with his own trombone! AND THEN HE BREAKS IT. That's destruction of property! Distraction schoolboy. FUCK OFF. Cole talks about Cena not being in either tonight's match or the Rumble due to shoulder surgery. Cole says that Kalisto beat Albert on SD, and instead of SEEING IT, we're just told he gets a title shot tonight.

Heyman and Steph bicker for a bit about shit. Steph cuts his balls off and announces Brock in the Rumble. JBL announces Sting for the HOF. 10 seconds in and it's already one of the best HOF videos ever. HHH sez "he could've succeeded anywhere at any time" LIKE WWE IN 2015!? Right? Wyatts come out and the Wyatts face Dudleys on SD in a tables match to RENEW the rivalry according to JBL. It ended? I thought it was just in a never-ending state of purgatory.

Social Outcasts come out to chat while the crazy backwoods cult is mid-ring. Remember when Axel debuted and "beat" HHH because Brock kicked his ass so much the night before? And then HHH was just fine the next week? Ryback comes out because, as Cole reminds us, the Wyatts beat he and Show up. Ryback is now an affiliate outcast, or something. I think the Outcasts are faces too. Now, 20 minutes after ADR-Kalisto is announced, we get clips. At least we actually see the win.
 ADR comes out and they have JBL say he put Cena on the shelf. Kalisto actually feels like a guy with some forward momentum thanks to the promo, the video, and the big match intro by Lilian. Give him the belt since ADR doesn't need it. ADR dominates to start. Seated senton off the top hits, followed by the corkscrew thingy off the ropes. ADR sends him to the floor and hits a sick kick to the chest against the barricade. They constantly bring up the 2011 Rumble win. "The Del Rio now is better than the one then - LOOK AT THE SHAPE HE'S IN!" LOL. ADR sidesteps a suicide dive and slams him into the barricade. Ouch. Super-fun match.Cable just went out during the superkick setup. It comes back and I see a replay of what looks like a super armbreaker for 2, and then the SDS is countered into a gutbuster on the rope. Kalisto LOGICALLY AVOIDS THE DOUBLE STOMP AND HITS A KNEELING RANA FACEBUSTER FOR A HUGE 2.9...COUNT. Dammit - THEY HAD IT RIGHT THERE. ADR kicks his stomach, but Kalisto gets a cradle and a win! The crowd went crazy here and by God, they might've just made a new star! Now he just needs a theme that doesn't sound like background music at a Mexican restaurant and he's set.

Becky-Charlotte recap. Charlotte tries to get "Flair and square" over. Not happening. Brie's out to face Charlotte, but Becky jumps Charlotte. Great stuff from Ric here. "HEY HAND ME MY SPORTCOAT! WHADYA GONNA DO ABOUT IT, FATBOY!?"Becky says Charlotte betrayed her and she'll beat her again like she did on SD. SHOW MORE FROM SMACKDOWN! Roman comes out for the main event at 10:35. Dean and Neville vs. Owens and Sheamus is a match OVERFLOWING WITH DISDAIN on SD. Kalisto vs. ADR for the title is up too - excellent.

Owens attacks Roman and it's a 10-on-1 match. Owens dominates and sends him to chinlock city before beating him up after an ad break. Frog splash off the apron to Roman! Cannonball! Roman spears Owens and Vince sicks everyone on him at 11:02. Owens looked really strong in this MAIN EVENT MATCH WITH ROMAN REIGNS. I have hope for a Lesnar match. ADR superkick to Roman leads to the Brogue kick. Brock comes out! Brock's theme works well to a "geeks will be tossed..." beat. Brock beats up New Day, tosses Owens and brawls with Sheamus. Brock vs. Sheamus at Fastlane would be a lot of fun - their house show match was short, but stiff. So...why would anyone cheer Roman over BROCK LESNAR!? Brock F5s Roman to a nice applause.

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