Monday, January 18, 2016

WWE Raw 1-18-16

MLK video package from last years airs again. Brock is going to be on the Highlight Reel - so he's just another geek then. Roman wants one guy - Brock. Okay then. Jericho comes out instead in a jacket, jeans, and no shirt. Jericho wants Roman and Brock here, and then the League of Nations is out. League of Nations is still a thing! Sheamus rightfully mocks Jericho for looking like a moron. Jericho mocks everyone else and Rusev owns him saying every day is a rumble in Bulgaria, and as a kid, he beat up kids to get on the bus and his trainer would put a steak in the middle of the area for the kids to wrestle over. Rusev vs. Roman OPENS RAW with Jericho as ref. Jericho is determined to get as much money as possible to not take a single bump.

Collar and elbow tieup to start. Rusev slips out of the way of a Superman punch. Roman punches, and lands a headbutt. Big spinkick by Rusev. Two counts abound. Jericho counts Rusev down for 2. Sheamus attacks and JBL calls Jericho "Dead, dumb, and blind" - JBL lives in 1950, apparently.  Jericho kicks Sheamus out. Then Barrett. Then ADR. Superman punch and spear win. No heel turn for Jericho here. First of two long Jericho segments tonight. Woah boy.  Jericho and Steph have a meeting. NOW Stephanie has a problem? Why now and not 20 minutes ago? Stephanie buries Jericho for being old and out of touch. So Raw is now just a meta show about how much the McMahons sacrifice for the sake of our entertainment. Also, THE MCMAHONS CAN'T STAND CHANGES TO CARDS. Thank God Raw cards aren't announced in advance.

Brie Mode hits so she can face Nattie. It's amazing how WWE turned Bret's great late '90s theme into two iffy ones in Bret's return theme and the Hart Dynasty theme. Paige and Nattie are friends for some reason. Total Divas clip about FOXY UNFOLLOWING PAIGE. Social media unfollows are now storyline-builders. Okay then. Nattie wants normalcy - so here she is carrying someone to a watchable TV match. Nattie wins with the sharpshooter after several minutes of moves. Next, the Dudleys and Ryback face the Wyatts in a tables match.

We see clips of the Dudleys winning a table match on SD. Mauro is fantastic. Nasty High Times off the announce table through another set of tables to Bubba after the match. So we see the Dudleys both win and then effectively lose before the match...why have this match? Everyone just does stuff for a while. Cole sends out well-wishes to the WWE LEGEND Mike Sharpe. Ryback with a high knee to the tummy and then A DANCE. GIF-worthy stuff there. Didn't they say before the match that this was a table match? Why are they going for pins? Bubba jobs to the discus I guess it was just a six-man magically. Okay then. Raw is Technical Difficulties as the screen goes black and we just see the Highlight Reel graphic with no music or talking. WWE 24 - WrestleMania Silicon Valley debuts after the Rumble on Sunday.

Show is out. As are the Social Outcasts. Adam Rose has some skinny-ass legs. Keep that man in long tights. Heath avoids contact, which is hilarious. He gets a slap and runs to the goons. KO punch wins. Bo goes for a victory lap and eats a punch. "If there was ever a time to go to THEWWENETWORK.COM, it's now!" Or you could go to the actual URL, or YOU COULD BE A MORON AND PAY YOUR CABLE COMPANY. Steph points out to the League that they're a bunch of jobbers and points out how they got punked out by Jericho earlier. Then she puts over the guys, which is good but odd.
 Vince and Steph come out - so Vince isn't even worthy of advance hype anymore. Vince talks about 1999 some more. Raw is Al Bundy Talking About Scoring Four Touchdowns. Roman gets number 1. So this is basically just the "ZACH GOWEN!, WHY THE NEXT GUY IS...ZACH GOWEN!" bit from SD in 03. So this goes on for a decade. A REAL STAR, and also Charlotte come down. Team BAD has a new, awful theme. UNITY! Tamina's out to wrestle Becky, who has a new wacky hoodie on. Astonishingly bad bump from Tamina off a superkick. Rolling disarmer off the top - hey, it got the move over, so I dig it. Becky begs for a shot and tells Ric that Charlotte is nothing like her dad. Ric never avoided a challenge? THE HORSEMEN WERE CREATED TO DO EXACTLY THIS! Ric makes the match, so apparently, he has GM powers too.

The Real Cost presents a tag match with Kalisto and Dean against Alberto and Sheamus. Here's that guy they got over last week. Out to dead silence. We see Kalisto tap thanks to Barrett and ADR wins it again. ADR faces Kalisto again, and the PS2-quality sculptures for the roster are something else. Nothing happens for a while. Break. So the match is sponsored by The Truth, but the commercial is sponsored by Chex Mix or something. Kalisto gets 2 off the SDS due to a Del Rio superkick.  Brogue hits and it's over. Kalisto is 1-2 this week. Well, they had a chance to make him a star seven days ago and that's done.Rumble hype. It ONLY HAPPENS on the WWE Network. Well, if it's only on the Network, why bring up cable companies showing it earlier? Just got an Esquire network ad...I'M SENSING A NEW HOME FOR TNA IN 2017.

WWE thanks all the WWE fans in India for being fans of WWE. New Day funeral for Chester the Trombone. They clap for Franchesca, which JBL claps for and that gets zero reaction. Byron boringly narrates a Rumble history video. Byron recites WWE Buzzwords with all the excitement of a kid reading a book report in front of the class. Jey Uso is out to face Big E. The New Day Rumble pic rules.

Big E slaps the ribs for the ab stretch after the break. Crazy flip bump from E missing the spear. Big Ending wins. This was a match. Titus, Mark, and Truth talk about wanting to dream...and then Neville comes in for racial harmony. ASCENSION HAS NEW GEAR! They team with Stardust and Tyler against Neville and Henry, Titus, and Truth. They talk about Henry doing a dotcom interview about retiring. So why isn't THEDEMONKANE in this Rumble? Or is he just going to be a big surprise entrant? Crowd is beyond dead. Hey, remember when Neville beat Henry and Henry begrudgingly respected him for it? Yeah, maybe that's what they're teammates tonight. Henry doesn't catch Tyler, but just slams him anyway and Neville wins. Legends with JBL and Road Dogg. HARD-HITTING QUESTIONS on the WWE Network. Road Dodg being sober in '95 wouldn't have meant a goddamn thing - he was legit one of WWE's most recognizable stars during its biggest era despite being a fuck-up in '95.

Jericho is in the ring, thankfully wearing a vest. Heyman is just going through the motions, and it's kind of sad after his 2014 peak. Brock comes out to a mild reaction. Everything about this feels like "remember that band you liked 15 years ago? THEY'RE PLAYING 2/3 OF THEIR GREATEST HITS AT THE STATE FAIR THIS SUNDAY!" Roman comes down. Roman spears Brock and gets some ground and pound. Sheamus jumps Roman. Brock gets beaten down by the League. Then Roman saves, and then he gets beaten up by the Wyatts. Bray, after MONTHS OF FEUDING WITH THE DUDLEYS, is now set up to be a top guy in the Rumble for the WWE World Title.  What in the fuck.

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