Sunday, January 24, 2016

WWE Royal Rumble 2016

Everyone jibber jabbers for a bit on the pre-show. LEAGUE OF NATIONS MEETING! WWE spent a whole $200 on this League of Nations set. King buries Kalisto for being short and picks ADR - so Kalisto is probably winning that one. Classic Rumble clips. Pre-show billion person tag match is up. Sandow, even with the I'm better than you gimmick in theory, is super-over.
So it's a fatal four way tag - with no Titus as Sandow is teaming with D-Young. JBL talks about how NONE OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS MATCH ARE WORTHY OF BEING IN THE TITLE PICTURE even though two are former world champs. WWE Network ad. Ride Along looks absolutely dreadful. HEY HEY WE WANT SOME BAYLEY chant. Chinlock city is all over this match. Wazzup to D-Young. Henry pins an Ascension goof to win. THE SINGLET POWERS COULD EXPLODE TONIGHT. The Social Outcasts answer stupid questions in a mostly boring way - outside of Bo being hilarious. We get an NXT-level recap of Becky's career and her issues with Charlotte. WHY WOULDN'T THIS VIDEO PACKAGE AIR ON RAW!?

Vince and Steph come out of a black limo. Dean's out first, so the Last Man Standing match starts us off right. Frye-Takayama exchange to start. Big chopfest back and forth in the corner. Owens dives to the floor sending Owens into the SAT. Owens gets tossed into the steps for a 5 count. Cannonball into the barricade! Owens brings in a billion chairs - which you can sadly no longer do in the games since they've nixed getting more than two chairs in the ring at once. Nigel lariat hits and Owens' head hits a chair. A fan calls Owens fatty, and he responds with "THANKSGIVING IS IN NOVEMBER, MORON!" Owens sets up a double stack and goes for a superplex to the floor - so Dean fights out and chucks a chair at him. Dirty Deeds hits! Owens is up at 9, so Dean hits it on the chair for a win BUT OWENS ROLLS TO THE FLOOR. THANK GOD that wasn't the finish. Flying elbow off the top through a table gets 9 for Dean. Pretty much every single thing they've done in this could be done in 2K16 - only you can use fire and chairs to the head there. Super twisting fisherman buster through a table by Owens! It gets 9, so Owens tells him to say down and hits the powerbomb. Dean barely gets up and then falls right down. Dean is set on the in-ring chair bridge, and knocks Owens off the top through the table stack on the floor to win.
We get a Cricket wireless ad and a gigantic WWE Network ad. The art style for Camp WWE looks like a 2004 Flash show. New Day recap leads to THE NEW DAY. New Day has a revamped super-bright tron that actually fits this whole deal now. Franchesca gets a chant! Kofi and E have a moment of silence for her, but XAVIER HAS A NEW TROMBONE! Kofi and E twerk and then E hops around. FRANCHESCA II DEBUTS! Kofi bringing back Rude's hip swivel amuses me greatly. Woods cracked me up with "Stay golden, Ponyboy!" The crowd legit booed the Usos. Well, when you book your top heel tag team like they're the biggest babyfaces, that'll happen. "Play Franchesca!"
"I PLAY WHEN I WANT TO!" Okay, so I guess Woods is a heel for this moment. Beautiful splash by E to an Uso. Assalanches in the corner. NOW Umaga can be referenced for that spot!? Uso Crazy dive sets up the Big E spear to the floor. "FINISH HIM!" by Xavier. E catches an Uso dive and wins with the Big Ending.

Wyatts say SCARY WORDS! Alberto's out to face Kalisto. ADR - ONE OF THE GREATEST UNITED STATES CHAMPIONS OF ALL TIME according to JBL. Kalisto has slightly fancier gear and a slightly bigger intro. ADR bullies him around the whole match. Kalisto hops up on his back and goes for a Yoshi Tonic, but can't quite get it. Good save from Kalisto there turning the botched Yoshi Tonic into a crucifix for 2. Sliced Bread 2-style SDS gets 2 WHEN ADR GRABS THE ROPE. Great nearfall. Kalisto hops into...kind of a dropkick that they call a double knee shot for 2. Mid-ring SDS hits for the win! Kalisto wins! Maybe he can keep the streak alive and lose it on Raw. Kalisto won 2/3 - so if they end things with this, then yes, Kalisto was the better man. Amusing Heyman and Steph backstage bit. Edge and Christian show looks so so so so so bad. Becky/Charlotte video airs. They COULD make a star here with Becky. Could, off just that one video package and her winning here.
They have a really fast-paced match here and go on the floor. Flair steals a kiss on the floor and then Becky attacks! HA! Charlotte gets the figure four headscissors, but it's turned into an electric chair drop. This is easily Becky's best match on the main roster. Becky gets a nearfall eliciting a "GODDAMMIT!" from Flair. Armbar is on - but not the disarmer, so Charlotte escapes. Disarmer is on, but Flair throws his jacket on Becky. Becky leaves, gets eyepoked and speared for the loss. DAMN IT! Charlotte wins, and for the first time in months, I care about a divas match result. THE BOSS IS BACK...and there's NO REFERENCE TO TEAM BAD! Huge pop for her too! And then she...remains heel...and boy did they have a second chance for a big female babyface to be made here. Flair leaves and Charlotte follows...BUT SASHA ATTACKS TO A HUGE POP! Sasha Banks - more over than anyone in the Rumble.
We get a video of some fans getting a Chex Mix-sponsored fun time at the Performance Center. There is a legit Chex Mix chant on my TV. Byron's Raw video on the Rumble airs again. HERE COMES THE BOO DOG! So yeah, Roman's doomed. The black and gold vest matches the belt nicely though. Rusev is number 2. They put Rey over as going bell to bell and winning. Quite a few mentions of him tonight between this and the Kalisto match. Rusev is tossed over. Wow. AND THE BOOS RAIN DOWN! AJ STYLES IS NUMBER 3! He's put over huge, lands the Pele, but AJ can't land the Clash. He takes out Breeze. Axel runs down like a goober! Mr. Perfect backflip bump by Axel! And he's gone. Jericho is out. Jericho really should switch to more flattering gear. He doesn't look great in the tiny trunks. Not much goes on here. KANE IS OUT!
Ryback comes out and nearly gets eliminated by Goldust. Kofi comes out and teases tossing Roman out. Titus comes out and eliminates Goldust to a chorus of boos. Truth runs down and puts a ladder in the ring to win MITB. Kane tosses him out. KOFI LANDS ON E ON THE FLOOR! Harper comes down and Cole's voice is shot. The League and Vince come down and they attack Roman on the floor Rusev does the Umaga '07 spot of running from table to table and splashing the lead face through the last table. LOL at Rusev going "I'M TAKING THIS WITH ME!' and stealing a monitor. Kofi eliminated somehow. FOR SOME REASON, they just don't toss Roman in and then back out. Neville debuted new red and black gear - and it does look far better than his usual purple or maroon gear. Owens is an Austin-esque character babyface who won't allow injuries to get him down. OWENS AND AJ GO AT IT! SUNSET FLIP INTO A CLASS TO NEVILLE, but an Owens superkick nixes that. Owens tosses AJ OUT!

Yes - AJ vs. Owens at Fastlane and/or Mania! Yes - AJ vs. Owens at Fastlane and/or Mania! Shame Owens didn't win the IC Title, actually - as that would be a damn fine match. ZAYN VS. OWENS IN THE RUMBLE! Second Frye-Takayama fight here. DAMMIT D'LO! SAMI ELIMINATES OWENS! So now Owens has FOUR possible feuds going on. Well, it could set up a nice multi-man WM ladder match for the IC Title. Henry's in and tossed out by the Wyatts. They toss Sami out too. BROCK IS OUT as 23. He suplexes Rowan like it's nothing. Swagger is in, F5ed, and tossed out.

FLYING KNEE FROM BROCK TO BRAUN! YES! MIZ! WE GET MIZ-BROCK! LOL at him stalling  like Larry Zybisko. Miz does commentary and says he'll turn Suplex City into Mizney World. "I AM WHAT'S CALLED A VETERAN - I know what it takes to win a match!" Miz comes off like more of a star during this than he has since his title reign...nearly five years ago. Jesus, it's really been that long!? Brock tosses Harper out. ADR is in it now. Brock lariats Braun to the floor. Wyatts all stay around with Bray though, and since they can't be DQed, they attack. Brock and Bray square off. The whole family tosses out Brock - so we're getting Brock-Bray at WM. Dolph comes out to silence, so now Miz comes in. Finale to Dolph. Sheamus is 29. Reigns runs down and attacks Sheamus to a chorus of boos.

God, he's doomed. Dolph flies halfway across the ring for a Superman punch. The Game comes out as the conquering babyface to take out the hated...lead babyface. And here's Cole to tell you how great he is! Surprised to see HHH keeping the grey in his beard. HHH pedigrees Dolph, who takes a big bump for it. THIRD FRYE-TAKIYAMA EXCHANGE of the evening here. Sheamus kicks Dean's head off, and Bray uranages Sheamus. Jericho lionsaults Bray. Zig Zag to Jericho. Dolph superkicks HHH, but HHH stays in and he ducks a second one. HHH just casually tosses Dolph out. Bray...stands up to the evil heel owner. Or is he the babyface? I guess he's a babyface wrestler, but heel owner - except when he's the owner of NXT. Sheamus chucks Bray out. Jericho avoids a Pedigree and HHH avoids a Walls, but eats a Codebreaker. Dean tosses Jericho out. Superman punch to HHH. Brogue to Dean. HHH gets ride of Roman and crotch chops him to huge cheers! It's down to Dean or HHH. Dean with his tattered shirt and  look appears to be a junkie on the end of a giant binge. Well, they've got a chance to re-get Dean over as a main event-level guy here. And now the Nigel lariat is the "wacky-line" maybe not. HHH backdrops him over the top to win! Well, his new black, gold, and red gear perfectly matching the title was a good clue.

Screens -

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