Monday, January 25, 2016

WWE Raw 1-25-16

The show starts with a quick recap of the Rumble - no AJ, but Roman vs. the world was covered along with HHH's win. Vince comes out in ugly brown pants and a grey and white checkered suit. He looks like a used car salesman. Vince tells everyone that they don't care about the fans, and the fans are on par with Roman - they tuck their tails and run. Vince and Steph spend ten minutes talking about HHH and Roman and the mere mention of AJ gets a large chant. MAYBE JUST MAYBE THERE'S A MESSAGE THERE. Steph fellates HHH...metaphorically of course and puts him over as a God among men.
So to recap this promo so far - HHH has no problem with Roman beating his ass to kingdom come a month ago, but insulting his father in law is going too far. Also, Vince is God and WWE is a religion - well, Bruce Mitchell has been saying that for years and it's pretty clear that WWE views themselves as such to some degree. According to HHH, OTHER HUMAN BEINGS have said HHH is second to none and the best of all time. Really now?! HHH will be champion because he WANTS to be. HHH can't stand these young goddamned millennials. Now get off his lawn! I'm glad HHH has the title now - he said in 2013 that everyone else is just holding it FOR HIM, so what the fuck? Just give him the title and at least get someone over by beating him on paper. Steph says at 8:15 that RAW WILL BE ACTION-PACKED. Anyway, they'll be evaluating the talent and the winner of Fastlane gets the WM main event. AJ faces Jericho tonight.
Dolph's out to face KO. Owens is all taped up and comes off like a tough motherfucker. Owens is such a character babyface - if he's hurt, it just doesn't matter - he's got to support his family and will sacrifice himself to do it.This is a pretty darn fun match - I'll remember nothing about it afterwards, but it's fun to watch. Pop-up powerbomb wins. Big Dag meets with JoJo and is serious. Heath cuts a promo on Flo Rida. YES! Heath still hates Flo Rida - continuity! Adam Rose, whose legs are so skinny, calls Heath the Red Dragon. You definitely don't want to piss off reDRagon! Bo Rida debuts and references Danny Tanner in a pretty amusing rap. Somehow, this leads to the Dudleys coming out.

Axel and Bo are the jobbers here. It's amazing how much fatter and out of shape Bo looks in this singlet, and it's still an improvement over his tidy whities. Flo and Heath get involved. How many people need to be physically involved in this match for a DQ to be called? 3D hits and they pin Axel. Renee interviews AJ and asks who is AJ Styles. AJ says he turned the WWE Universe upside down and then Jericho marks out over facing him. Their match is next.

They show some stuff about Nikki needing neck surgery and wanting to come back. So Nikki's a babyface, right? AJ gets pyro! JBL puts him over as a two-time former IWGP Champion. AJ armdrags him down .AJ gets a hesitation flying lariat, which looks great. Nice Bret-esque elbow to the neck on the mat too. Triangle dropkick hits AJ. Jericho lands a missile dropkick off the second rope. LOL at C'MON KID. AJ is a father of five and only seven years younger than Jericho. Post-break chinlock from Jericho. Double collision from a crossbody. Flying corner lariat by AJ. AJ lands the death valley neckbreaker for 2. They go through the motions of a Guerrero-Malenko exchange for 2s. Flying hesitation forearm hits - and that's one of his best-looking moves. Amazed AJ got to keep that since it's so similar to, and cooler looking than, Roman's Superman punch. Walls high on the shoulders - but not quite a Liontamer. Pele hits and he's going for the Spiral Tap. Nope. Splash misses. Jericho drops down on a sunset flip for 2.999999/3, but AJ sunsets him for a win. No Clash here. Wow. This was good-ish, but not amazing. Good to see the guy who did Kidman's WWE rap theme get some work for AJ's. AJ goes for a handshake and gets it - but Jericho pulls him close to let him know he's serious. Jericho has enough in the tank to be an occasional IC/US Champ you throw into the mix as a new guy's first World title challenger - but he clearly hit the bottle too hard last night.

SASHA COMES DOWN! Thank God - Sasha officially seems to be out of Team BAD. Becky's out and has a bigger-league intro than AJ. It really is visually-impressive and it's rare for divas to get special effects. They have a good-ish little match before Charlotte comes out and kicks ass. Well then, looks like a 3 way at Fastlane leading to Sasha-Charlotte at WM. Goldust is backstage grooving with new silver trim on his paint. Goldust tells Truth that he wants a new partner. Truth tells him that he's a married man - but there ain't nothing wrong with that! He wants Golden Truth! AND THEN FOR SOME GODDAMN REASON WE'RE GETTING BRAY VS. KANE IN A MATCH NO ONE WANTS!

Bray saunters down and we get a recap of them taking Brock out of the Rumble. They do nothing for a while and then com back from a break for more nothing. Bray beats him and I had a great chance to download Nakamura in 2K16. Rich goes backstage to interview the MYSTERY MEGASTAR...THE MIZ before the Rock nearly runs his ass over in a big-ass truck. Rock looks amazing in this muscle shirt. Rock talks to Show for a bit about the Rumble. I sure hope Rock watched the 2000 Rumble with the Wayback Playback commentary over it. Rock says Show could've been the Scorpion King...but such is life! Show crushes a laptop in sadness. Rock meets Lana's cleavage. Rock talks about mustache rides while Rusev stands behind him. For some reason, I worry about the Rock when he breathes heavily. And he's 280 pounds. For some reason.

ROCK AND BROCK LESNAR GUY! I'm so doing Rock vs. Nakamura in 2K16 tonight. If you take a drink every time Rock says Miami, you're Chris Jericho. "That other black dude I know know..." complete with BYRON WAVING TO HIM was amazing. Rock should name everyone in the crowd an honorary cousin and buy them a car. Or just buy New Day cars. That'd be cool too. YAY NEW DAY IS HERE! See guys, New Day are heels - they love Byron! New Day buries Rock for not having gold. Actually, you guys don't have gold - you have bronze-colored belts. Big E buries him for not eating his Booty Os. Can we just get Rock and Roman vs. New Day to win the tag titles at either Fastlane or WM? They've got something here.

Rock buries them for wearing Llama penises on their head. "Champions huddle, THIS DOES NOT INCLUDE YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT A CHAMPION!" Usos and Rock whoop the asses of New Day. So to recap, in 2016, we've got AJ Styles winning on Raw while Consequences Creed is in a segment with The Rock. Nothing divas tag with Nattie and Paige against Team Bella. Miz is out to face Kalisto. Nothing match here too. Sloppy Del Sol wins it. Dean and Roman face Sheamus and Rusev next.

They do some moves for a while and the League dominates. Dean runs wildish with his predictable unpredictable offense. They did more moves. None of them were all that exciting. JBL talks about what's best for business. Roman gets a spear and a win to pin Sheamus and hopefully end this endless rivalry. Big double powerbomb to Rusev through the announce table. BUT BEFORE THEY COULD GET TOO MUCH OF A POP, we get Steph's theme. Steph announces Dean vs. Roman vs. Brock - well, that's big. So Bray takes Brock out and Roman has to pin his brother.

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