Tuesday, January 26, 2016

TNA Impact Wrestling 1-26-16

The theme plays while Jeff Hardy walks into the building. "I'm gonna go PAINT MY FACE AND THINK ABOUT WHAT I NEED TO SAY TO MY BROTHER". You go and do that, Nero. We get a long recap of last week's events - so they set this all up nicely so far. Jeff's theme NAMING ALL OF HIS OTHER TNA THEMES is something else. Jeff says he wasn't around last week because he was getting his knee checked - so he either hasn't figured out due to loyalty, or doesn't want to believe Matt set him up with the Tyrus deal. Matt's new I AM ICONIC theme setup is good. The theme itself is CAW Theme 5 from any video game. Matt comes out in a grey suit with a bright red shirt with Reby in a red dress and Tyrus carrying Maxil. Everything about this rules.
Jeff says he doesn't want them out here and it's a family matter, while Reby says she is family now and Jeff calls her his sister bitch in law. I love Matt IMMEDIATELY repeating what Reby says. Jeff actually got a Why Matt Why chant started here. Matt calls Jeff out on being basically out of action due to his own idiocy - so Jeff is now "the other Hardy". Matt says it's time for them to go their separate ways and that he'll become the greatest World champ in the history of the industry. An EC3 chant starts up here and Jeff says that he is the greatest wrestler on Earth because unlike Matt, EC3 won it fairly. This is perfectly logical storytelling and it's so fun. Jeff wants a match with Matt, and Matt says he is guilt-free of whatever happens tonight - so Jeff vs. Matt for the title is tonight. We see the announce table, with Josh dressed like a dime store Hugh Heffner.
We get an "in-depth look" at Feast or Fired. Grado loves feasts - especially ribs. Spud is excited over POSSIBLY BEING KOTM CHAMPION. Storm says Beer Money can either be tag champs or hold each singles title. Well, it's a stupid stip - but at least the rewards and consequences were put over as important...and it's the opener. Wow. Beer Money is out. Ad break. Knockouts ad with half the chicks gone. For some fucking reason, ERIC YOUNG IS IN THIS MATCH despite A - being a champion and B - a shot for HIS TITLE being on the line here. Melendez is in this, but now works in long camo pants - so you can't see he has one leg. Everyone's just doing moves. Aiden dominates a bit with brawling tactics that stand out a bit more. Grado pokes him in the eye up top and then stands on him to grab a case. It takes FOREVER, so O'Shea must've been cursing his name.

We come back to hear Josh talk about "a bevy of Superstars" in this match. Enough of the WWE Speak. Drew gets the second case - so Grade has case 2 and Drew has case 1, leaving 3 and 4 in play. Melendez is the bottom of the tower of doom, getting a USA spot. A tower of doom is now an opening match transitional spot. Eli grabs a case - hopefully it contains something for his ED. Bram bumps early for a Spud punch. Roode blocks off guys so Storm can grab the last case. Jeff meets with Kurt backstage in a horribly-acted segment. Kurt has his back.

Everyone is backstage with their cases. DJZ and Mandrews are mid-ring for an X Title flippy-do three way with Uno. I swear this division is just these three men and has been for months. Three people clap for Uno, resulting in what Josh calls a "thunderous ovation". . "Mandrews, as he likes to be called." "Mark Andrews - BETTER KNOWN AS MANDREWS!"  All of this Mandrews talk is EXACTLY like Frank Grimes being called Grimey. Pope hypes up the fast and furious, high-flying, high-octane action. DJZ does a wonky backslide on both Mandrews and Uno - haven't seen that before, and there's probably a good reason for it. Or maybe Nova invented it and let the trademark lapse.
DJZ gets the most convoluted setup possible just to dropkick Uno off the apron. Mandrews rides his skateboard down the ramp and lands a flying headscissors, or a rana as Pope calls it. More "high octane offense" as Pope calls it. DJZ gets 2 for a reverse rana on Mandrews. Josh calls this a human video game. Nah, that has more selling. This is more like a game that is a bit buggy and has some major clipping and collision detection issues. Uno wins with a kinda Spanish Fly off the top while green, white, and PURPLE streamers come down. Gregory Shane Helms comes down. Why not just call him Shane Helms?
 AND HOW IS HE THE GREATEST CRUISERWEIGHT OF ALL-TIME!? Also, he's gigantic next to Uno. Helms says the company was built on the back of the X Division, and its return to prominence is at hand. Helms gives Uno one week - and in one week, he wants to challenge Uno to his final title defense. Helms actually has one of the better themes in the company - it's fairly intense. Josh calls Helms the longest-reigning cruiserweight champion in wrestling. Well yeah, when it meant nothing and he never defended it. Kong tells the Dolls they'll help her get the belt. Kong says she needs to go one on one with Velvet. Oh Christ. Sky ever vs. Kong Now couldn't be good, but Velvet hasn't exactly gotten better with time. Rebel starts a "WHOSE HOUSE!? KONG'S HOUSE!" chant.Well, that was entertaining.

Eli and Jesse have a meeting, and boy does Eli look a decade older and 25 pounds heavier since his last push. Chest hair isn't a good look for him and the scraggly beard makes him look like a Ken Anderson cosplayer. Godderz has some weird speech full of wacky words for him. Kurt chants to Tyrus and Matt. "Curtis, can I help you!?" Ha! More awful acting here, and Kurt has actually starred in movies. Matt as a delusional heel out to...make TNA Great Again is odd. Shouldn't it great now?

Christy introduces Kong. Velvet, who a week ago was in her stripper gear, is back to being Stone Cold. We get rigorous...holding back and forth because no one knows what to do. Velvet gets a jawbreaker. Josh talks about Velvet being fired due to Feast or Fired - and boy is THIS THE SHOW to bring that up. Josh says that Velvet was brought back because TNA officials realized that she wasn't an actual competitor in the match. Velvet lands a kneeling DDT for 2. Running facebuster bulldog gets 2. Baba Kong "lands" a slam and a splash before hitting the Implant Buster and winning. Kong clubs her, but Madison makes the save before the Dolls attack. High/Low attack is called a Total Elimination. Jade's cradle piledriver takes Madison out. They hold Madison so Kong can hit the Awesome splash to take her out.

Wolves cut a promo in cool new shirts and we get a recap video of LAST WEEK'S BEATING to drown it out. Wolves are going to wait for a fight with Steve and his buddy. Okay then. JB meets in a very dark white room for the case skit. We get a new, reasonably well-made Beer Money Drunk and Rich Tour shirt ad. JB is in this now very echoey room. The Miracle and Maria interrupt. Mike is in jeans and a cheap-looking checkered suit. His hat isn't helping either. Drew is greatly offended by Mike - so I guess that's a program. Maria says they're doing TNA a favor by being here, while Mike is offended by anyone talking like that to his wife. Eli has the KOTM case and JB says the next case reveal will be in a few moments...after The Wolves match and not an ad break.

Steve's Marilyn Manson theme song is fantastic. Astonishing to see a licensing deal struck for CRAZZY STEVE.  His crazy Harley Quinn girl stands out nicely too. Steve comes in black, brown, and red - the colors of Abyss, who joins him on-stage for a...confrontation leading to an ad break. Well, this was poorly-timed. During the break, they brawled - so guys took bumps for nothing. Now it's a tag title match. Abyss lands the chugga chugga choo choo spot in the corner. Josh says he misses the old Crazzy Steve with the horn. Yes, VINTAGE CRAZZY STEVE. I bet Josh has been a fan of Steve since he only had one Z in his name. Steve bites out of the backpack stunner, but eats the Alarm Clock. Not Harley Quinn holds the tag titles, which look like replicas. Abyss hits the black hole slam after being misted by Steve, and then she mists Davey leading to a crossface chickenwing from Steve. She poses creepily with them and this whole act came off great - Rosemary's got a real presence to her and if this was on Spike, or on a network with major exposure, they could actually have something here.

But first, more fun with cases. Storm and Roode are just hilarious here, playing off their issues with Storm saying he'll give Roode the World title shot if he gets some beer. Drew gets the World Title case, leaving Grado to be fired. LOLing at Grado saying "WE'RE LIVE!" and JB gives him 10 minutes to leave. Grado is shocked over being "real fired". "THE DREAM IS OVER FOR TNA'S GRADO!" Now he can go draw big crowds in ICW. Josh is glad to have Grado gone - so he's just a prick. Now Pope doing that would be okay-ish because they've got an issue, but Josh should be the face here. Jeff comes down to face Matt, who has a glorious new outfit.

JB's introduction of "BIG MONEY MATT" MATT HARDY is glorious. EY rants and raves before the match can actually start. EY, who you will remember is the KING OF THE MOUNTAIN CHAMPION, says he is the rightful contender. And then Bram attacks Jeff. EY gets a table, but Beer Money makes the save. Abyss and Steve attack, and Beer Money awkwardly clotheslines Abyss to the floor. Kurt comes down, having seen JUST ABOUT ENOUGH with only half a dozen people attacking. Tyrus attacks Kurt. "Tyrus is elusive - he comes outta nowhere. LIKE BIGFOOT!" That's a Pope-ism, Daddy. EY piledrivers Jeff off the apron through a table because they've got a European tour - so this could take him out for what, 3-4 months of TNA TV? Dr. Pope is going to check on Jeff - thank God. This was a great show overall and if/when TNA is up for renewal next year, I hope they've gained a good portion of their lost viewers and can make a solid pitch to be back on Spike because this version of TNA could do quite well with that level of exposure.

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