Monday, March 28, 2016

Raw 3-28-16

Raw starts off with THE UNDERTAKER'S ENTRANCE. He says this WrestleMania could be his a HUGE YES CHANT!? WHAT!? He says he'll have Shane's blood on his hands, maybe Vince's, and Shane will rest in peace. So sad that this match peaked with the first night - when it had no reason to logically occur. The more layers they add, the less I care. Shane says that if he has to cement his legacy by ending Taker's, he will. Taker calls him "rich boy" and says he can't talk about his legacy. The middle-aged businessman is threatening the 30 YEAR VETERAN, BEST OF ALL-TIME PRO WRESTLER by walking sternly towards the ring. And getting a "holy shit" chant for it. Shane's mocking Taker... so...Shane's a heel, right. Taker eats some shots.


So they have a match that really needs the appeal of "just what will happen when X MEETS Y" and give us the second extended beat-down segment in a match that already needs tons of smoke and mirrors. Leap of Faith...and he clearly missed Taker and landed right next to him. Well, that was needlessly dangerous for a middle-aged non-wrestler to do 6 days before WM and it almost bit them in the ass. Shane botches this and gets a "you still got it" chant. WHAT IN THE FUCK!?
Jesus. Taker got all fucked up - his eyebrow is sliced up badly.

On the pre-show, Jericho talks shit to Ryder. Jericho to squash POSSIBLE IC CHAMPION AT WRESTLEMANIA, Zack Ryder here. AJ says that Jericho won't give him his match. Ryder gets his ass kicked constantly, but a fluke rollup hits. Ryder WINS...and gets squashed immediately to huge boos. Well, it feels like they kinda have Ryder over as a cult deal again - good. He gets accidentally over in all this again, and right around WM time too. AJ wearing his ballcap backwards like it's 1996. Jericho makes Jericho-Styles, and says it's hits 12th WM and AJ's first, so he'll beat the rookie at WM. Charlotte vs. Becky is up next.

Cena's FOX show actually gets an ad on an NBCU network. How bizarre. Speaking of bizarre, it's Gears and Goggles: The Becky Lynch Story. Zero buys for the Beck-Plex name. Not much to the match. Ric grabs a leg and Charlotte wins with the facebuster. Vince talks to Renee for a bit before Shane talks shit. Shane's white hair is even worse than his grey hair. This Shane vs. Vince thing makes both guys look even older. Shane said that Vince stole the company from his father, so now Shane will do it to him. Modern-day wrestling - where the faces lower themselves to the level of the heels instead of rising above it with grit and resolve.

WM rewinds BEGIN here on the go home show. HBK-Flair. EIGHT YEARS since Ric's last WWE match. Wow has time flown. Wait, why are they partners? KANE ATTACKED HIM LAST WEEK! Well, they're facing the outcasts - maybe now Show turns on Kane. Now everyone's brawling in a battle royal-style thing, including tons of guys. So we're basically getting all of the action we'll actually get in the match here on Raw. So if this isn't the Andre battle royal, then why bother doing all this physicality in a non-battle royal battle royal? Graphic the FOR THE GAME, THE 15 TIME WORLD CHAMPION, ONE OF THE GREATEST OF ALL-TIME, THE CEREBRAL ASSASSIN HHH against some guy named Roman Reigns. Not sure if I'm ready to watch a Thank You Daniel show right now.

HHH and Steph come out and they hype up both of them being on ESPN. I'm sure they'll be in character heels. HHH has competed for a World Title at WM more than anyone else. Wow. HHH is the most successful WWE superstar of all-time. God, the inferiority complex he has towards Austin and Rock is astonishing. HHH talks about being a corporate suit, but he's just too much of a badass and as the greatest of all-time, he had to defend himself against Roman as he was beaten up by him and put through a table. Shocked he didn't bring up having to fight Roman because Roman beat up his father in law, and himself in a cowardly attack. Stephanie says that WM isn't about ladder matches or legacy, it's about HHH! Roman's out to huge boos, but HHH puts a stop to that to cheers. "Roman sucks, Roman sucks!" Oh God is this doomed. Roman is doomed. He was doomed last year, and he's even more fucked this year. Next year, they'll gangbang bury him. Andre Battle Royal will be on USA at 6PM. Tapout gear at JC Penney's ad. 

Big E's big clap rules. Booty-Os chant. They need to sell Booty-Os posters ASAP. Kofi vs. Alberto is up. New way to avoid Alberto's double stomp...just lean towards the buckles. "SOS, I HEAR THEM CALLIN..." by Woods! Armbar is countered into a cradle for the win - so the League wins the bronze at WM. Coach FROM ESPN as Cole calls him comes out. Sportcenter will be at WM and Coach loves him some Booty-Os! He also loves to dance horribly.
Goofy pandering #myherois ad. #MyHeroIsAnyoneButYouRoman. Cena on the Today Show announcement for Joan Lunden getting the Warrior Award for being a breast cancer survivor. Warrior wished death upon Bobby Heenan while he had cancer. Could they just rename it to the Courage Award or something? Bully Ray yells at Roman to finish what they started on SD. They goad him into a fight with HHH. I really dig this Dudleys as Authority henchmen deal. Them as basically a tag team version of the Bossman's role in the Corporation would be great - and a corporate makeover would freshen their look up. Kalisto vs. Ryback is announced on the Kickoff show. Kalisto faces Gut of the Ascension. So, this is a world in which we're seeing Konnor vs. Kalisto being used as a way to hype up WrestleMania. They could be using this time to air literally any bit of archival footage from NXT for either the women's or IC Title matches. SDS win sand Viktor runs in and eats a tornado DDT. Ryback stares at Kalisto and yells "feed me more". These men traveled on a plane to spend time away from their loved ones to do this. Heyman meets with Brock for a promo.

I don't watch hockey, but goddamned if seeing the journey of players from kids to finally achieving their goals as adults doesn't make me want to watch a game. I wonder if WWE could do that? Tell an effective story about a journey...nah, won't get over. Suplex City shirts literally look like bootleg shirts, and they're likely making a mint for WWE. Brock vs. Wyatt Family and Dean stuff is recapped from SD. It was so different - Brock kicked ass and then Dean got his ass kicked. Heyman talks about how Dean is now striving to be the man who conquers the one in 22-1 - one good thing about Taker still doing WMs is that Brock's match stands up that much more. Heyman cuts a promo on being told he can't say the word weapons, but "THEY'RE WEAPONS!" and says that the good news for Dean is that he can face Brock at WM, but that's bad news for his fans. Heyman says that Doctor Brock will give Dean a colonoscopy at WM.  So then Dean came out to hype up his WrestleMania match with Brock Lesnar with a little red wagon. He has nunchuks! We should've gotten a skit where Aero Star gave him glow in the dark nunchuks from outer space.

Muscle and Fitness hype. HHH talks about he juggles banging his wife, running a billion dollar company, being world champion, and being ripped at 46. "Lead heel" HHH. Team Bad and Blonde faces the Total Divas at WM. Team Bad and Blonde is a far better name than just Team BAD. EMMA ON RAW AGAIN! Emma lands a sliding dropkick for 2. They hold off on a finish for eons, and Lana hits a pump kick so Emma wins. EVA MARIE JOINS TEAM TOTAL DIVAS to a round of boos and her own partners hating her. I'm legit more excited for this than HHH-Roman. Golden Truth segment with Truth blowing his nose on a Goldust shirt for a "you think it's funny, but it's snot" joke. Snoop HOF announcement. 

So Stardust's new "lie on a bed like a teenage girl talking to her friends on the phone" pose is something else. Stardust, Owens, and Miz against Sami, Dolph, and Sin Cara is seemingly the "main event" of this show. We get a wave, a 'We are awesome" chant, a JBL chant, and a CM Punk chant during this nothing match. Dolph gets a suplex. "How you doing!" "RVD!" A SECOND COMMERCIAL BREAK FOR THIS MATCH. Everyone hits finishers. Kevin's partners leave him and Sami beats him. So yeah, Sami beat his longtime rival Kevin Owens on Raw and it meant nothing. HHH comes out and talks. "CHYNA!" chant. A bunch of heels and faces come out to brawl. Roman jumps on the pile and HHH goes to the back. Jesus.

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