Tuesday, March 15, 2016

TNA Impact Wrestling 3-15-16

Rundown of Angle's retirement match along with Maria's turn on Gail. Or at least some of it - show started a few minutes early. BRILLIANT. Impact is "live" tonight with Jeff vs. EC3 starting off. Jeff comes out and EY yells at Dixie. "DEAL WITH IT FOREVER. THIS IS ON YOU!" EY is giving Dixie a guilt trip for...some reason. Goddamn does EY have some disgusting nipples. Josh "THIS IS HOW YOU START A WRESTLING SHOW - WITH JEFF HARDY AGAINST ERIC YOUNG!" EY avoids an early Twist before Dixie comes out a minute in and rambles a bit. The winner here gets to go into the main event and make it a 3 way. Jeff dives over the top and eats a boot. EY punches him. Moves. Moves. Josh talks about how this is a HIGH STAKES match. EY locks on a dragon sleeper on the ropes. Jeff gets 2 via his wonky double leg cradle legdrop thing. Jeff lands the swanton to win. And then Matt and his crew just come out. Matt's wacky fake joy rules...and we go to a break.

Matt and Reby suck up to Jeff while the crowd chants "Uncle Jeff" and Matt says "YES, THAT HAS A GREAT RING TO IT!" Matt says that Jeff should leave the main event tonight, and they should just have BFG 2017 as Jeff vs. Matt Hardy. LOL at the production here. Despite the show being taped, we still got a technical difficulties graphic during the brawl. Jeff Twist of Fates Matt and hugs fans. Josh says that Eddie addressed the fans, but SOMETHING CRAZY HAPPENS. Eddie says that Davey got hurt, and then he's attacked by Decay. Bennett and Maria talk about facing Drew and Gail later. Or next, according to the graphic.

 Beer Money talks to Eddie and says they'll team with him against Decay tonight. Maria and her hot outfit welcome us to her place of worship. Women are in first, but Maria tags out and Drew boots Mike. Maria comes in with bad-looking offense before the guys come in. Drew says "up yours" to Bennet and Pope says "Drew just told him to go up Schitt's Creek!" - so he FINALLY says something funny! Guys do stuff and Drew chops Mike a ton. Maria comes in and pulls Drew's leg, leading to Mike coming in and taking Gail's finisher and eating the Claymore. Maria schoolgirls Gail for the win. WOW was this awful and Bennett came off as such a lesser star as a result of it.

Josh is out in his dad's suit that is at least 3 sizes too big. Bobby says he waited a long time to fight Angle again because IT'S A FIGHT and he's a FIGHTER. His job is to FIGHT and he's a FIGHTER. Josh says that Kurt was his friend and Bobby says he has no friends - especially not in wrestling. Lashley biels him before Pope comes in to save. Pope gets bieled and eats THE BEST SPEAR OF HIS CAREER. Decay rambles a bit and they'll face Beer Money and Eddie next. JB is out as a commentator and ring announcer, announcing Decay. I love Eddie having matching gear with Beer Money. Rosemary jumps Roode, but she hops to the corner and Roode doesn't attack. Josh says Decay is like TNA's Suicide Squad. Storm comes in and HITS A SLINGBLADE!? Josh brags about Storm being down 40 pounds. Mist and a schoolboy win for Decay. Grado meets with WILLIAM CORGAN and tells him that they'll make a decision in the ring tonight.

Matt Hardy's tits and Reby's tits chatted to Dixie about Dixie making illogical decisions. Feast or Fired recap. Eli and his greying beard came out. Josh shows us "Youtube footage" of Eli switching cases. Corgan makes a ladder match for a new contract for the winner. Josh yammers on a bit. "He's not ready for the bright lights!" WHERE ARE THE BRIGHT LIGHTS IN THE IMPACT ZONE!? After several minutes of fuck-all, Jessie comes down but SHERA COMES FOR A SAVE and gets a minor chant. GRADO DIVES OFF THE LADDER ONTO JESSIE AND SHERA! Awful match, but JB is fantastic on commentary. Grado elbows him and wins. 
Jeff comes out limping. EC3 comes out and Josh says "He's never been pinned or submitted - AND HE'S A TWO TIME WORLD CHAMPION!" One of what, five guys with that distinction in TNA? Matt is in blue PJs and punches EC3 in the corner setting up Poetry in Motion - Jeff punches him. EC3 is moving with the speed of Ted Arcidi here. His thigh is bandaged up though. EC3 powerslams Matt off the top. Matt gets a Side Effect on Jeff for 2. Jeff gets a swanton before EY and Bram come out. EY piledrivers Jeff on the floor. TKO on Tyrus by EC3. EC3 counters a Twist with a One Percenter. Bennett comes in and attacks EC3 with a chair, for 2. Twist for 2. Bennett runs EC3 out of town and it's a no contest or something. Matt cuts a promo on the fans - including one goofball making a silly face while telling Matt to suck it and doing crotch chops. Drew has CASHED IN HIS PIGGY IN THE BANK CASE! Claymore wins. Well, that was a thing and this was a shit show.


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