Monday, March 7, 2016

WWE Raw 3-7-16

We get a recap of the Vince-Shane stuff, with Taker's introduction into all this FINALLY seeming important with a video showing all the vile things he's done in the Cell. "The new kid on the block" is old enough to be a grandfather. Shane gets another huge pop and tears up during his promo. Shane says that Vince has lost touch with his family, his fanbase, and his grandsons. Shane says it's his destiny to run Raw. "It is MY DESTINY...." never goes well in WWE. Taker's gong hits, but Vince comes out in an astonishing brown suit. Vince says that while he was taking Shane out of his will, he saw a photo of he and Shane at Shane's first wrestling match. Vince says that at WM, his greatest creation will put to rest his greatest failure. "Security" comes in to remove Shane. Man, why's the black guy gotta die first!? GIF-worthy beatdown. 

Owens vs. Neville is up - and it stands to easily be the second-best match of the past seven days for Neville. Not much to it until after a break. Neville avoids the cannonball, but can't get the deadlift German. Flip German by Owens. PHOENIX SPLASH OFF THE SECOND ROPE GETS 2. Jesus! Owens wins via cradle. They teased a multi-man match for the IC Title, and Neville would be perfect for it. As he goes for the apron powerbomb, SAMI ZAYN RETURNS! Loved Owens grabbing the IC Title perfectly as he scrambled on the ground after being clotheslined over the top to the floor. WRESTLEMANIA IS FREE ON THE NETWORK FOR NEW SUBSCRIBERS, MAGGLE! WWE is taking a huge risk by making their most valuable asset and establishing its value as $0.


Steph and Dolph, who is in an awful shirt, meet. Dolph must face the LEAGUE OF NATIONS. WHY MUST WE BE PUNISHED!? AND NOW IT'S BRIE MODE TIME TOO! Total Divas clip.
Nikki - "I've been telling you guys how to live for a long time"
Bryan - "Yes - and we don't listen. That's why we've been so happy!"
Within seconds, we get a half crab and then Brie misses, or I think was supposed to hit a crossbody off the top. Summer sells it and Lana comes down in her Dolph mallrat getup and Summer wins with a distraction cradle!  Lana hits the Bella Buster/X-Factor. Digging Dean's new shirt - the grey and red logo looks good. Dean cuts a fine promo about how he will be the champ and throw out pitches and go to schools with HHH talking to kids. He loves kids - they're like adults, but smaller! "I'm gonna have to start wearing lapel pins! I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO WORK A LAPEL PIN!" HHH's theme hits!
 They yammer on a bit, Dean tells him to suck it and HHH makes Dean vs. Bray. Motorhead's "Sympathy for the Devil" is a WM theme. It's going to be so funny to watch lead heel HHH come out to "Sympathy for the Devil" at WM and then they wonder WHY OH WHY IS HE MORE POPULAR THAN ROMAN!? Dolph's black and white look is a huge improvement from his early '90s throwback shit. Barrett's got a new haircut. Maybe he's going to play Rex Bannon in a live-action Simpsons move. "Drinkers of the world, I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS!" Dolph beats Barrett. So now it's a handicap elimination match?! That "fameasser" sure looked like a high knee lift that missed. Great Cro Cop kick from Rusev leads to a Brogue for a win.

Shane hype vid showing him taking giant falls and bleeding gushers - which he...probably won't do at WM. Sasha and Charlotte face Team Bad. Not a whole heck of a lot to this match. Backstabber and a bank statement win after Tamina is "tossed" over the top. Why is Truth dressed like Mr. Backlund? He is he Mr. Blacklund? He's delivering pizza to Goldust. Goldust is offended because he is lactose intolerant and his ass will explode if he eats it. Truth says he didn't know about his exploding butt, and Mark Henry takes the pizza.

New Day should win the GIF of the Gods Title in addition to the tag titles. Not much going on in the match before the break. FINALLY - that moonsault DDT hits seamlessly! Gets 2. Big Ending/DDT wins when Jericho just throws himself and Kofi into the pile. Well, that's a new way to break a cover up. Springboard 450 hits, but E pulls Kofi out at 2! Pescado flying elbow hits E on the floor. Kofi avoids most of the KENTA combo and kicks him into the corner. Jericho catches the kick and gets the Walls! AJ hits the running elbow to prevent Xavier from getting involved. E tags in and hoists him up for the codebreaker and the Big Ending wins it. THIS RULED! Jericho should just be a tag worker - his offense and style now is perfect for it. AJ and Jericho are pissed - because by golly, in at least one feud wins and losses matter. Jericho codebreaks AJ because WINS AND LOSSES MATTER. AJ eats a second one, and climbs up Jericho only to eat a third. THIS RULED. Can they just have Jericho beat Kalisto and make this feud for the US Title? It's dead on Kalisto anyway and this feud could use something else to make it seem more important on-paper.


Rock WM hype video - he there! Chris tells Renee that Chicago was where Y2J was born and all the fans chanted was "AJ Styles!". Kalisto vs. Tyler. TYLER GETS AN INTRO ON RAW! "Kalisto - extremely relevant!" LOL. Tyler gets some offense and eats a run-up SDS for the loss. NXT getting over on Raw more than 99% of the main roster with a hype video for the NXT DVD. Bossman HOF announcement. Kalisto talks to Jojo about being in WM and being inspired by Rey. Ryback comes in and it looks like we're getting Ryback vs. Kalisto. Ryback looks like a gigantic ape next to Kalisto, and he compares Kalisto to Ant-Man. Ryback says that he should leave Sin Cara, and then he buries being in a tag team.


He's going to face the Outcasts. NOW TRENDING HEATH SLATER and three other guys come out. The Social Outcasts are so delightful - they're natural goofball babyfaces. THE AXE-MAN COMETH and they try to get YEEE YEEE YEE over with an axe chopping motion. Why not. A CM Punk chant breaks out. So once again, the mounted punches get over as a finish and instead, he uses the Shellshock. Steph talks to Vince about what could happen if Shane wins. Vince pays this no mind and Deano comes out. Bray says words. Regal stretch to Bray. Dean eats an apron smash and a superplex and they collide on a double crossbody. Nice back and forth punch and chop exchange. SHOTGUN LARIAT gets 2. Barricade Uranage by Bray! Bray eats a flying elbow, but the lights go out and the Family attacks. Byron is golf-level quiet during supposedly-horrible beatdown. Sister Abigail hits. HHH comes down and he stares off with Bray. Yes. Let's tease HHH vs. Bray - this can't backfire at all. Bray wants the title now, too. HHH prepares an attack, but Dean hits Dirty Deeds! COULD IT BE HIS NIGHT...Well, it could - but since we saw it on Raw, no.


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