Tuesday, March 29, 2016

TNA Impact 3-29-16 - The Life Support Tour Continues

In the past week, both Bobby Roode and Eric Young have left TNA. Young is featured on this week's show teaming with Bram against the BroMans - a match that in no way has any of them pondering the life choices they took to get that point. Gauntlet recap starts things off. Oh yeah. Jeff faces off with Matt, beat him, and faces Drew. Well, I forgot about that - so the recap was good.  Matt and his entourage come down. Reby's cleavage is out of control here. Matt yells, and Tyrus looks calm - probably due to his giant 24K gold Monster headphones. Mike tells Matt that he's getting old and that TNA needs a miracle. Well, he's not wrong. Reby's cleavage calls Maria a firecrotch, and she asks if she even knows what it means to be a lady - while Reby responds by saying I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO PUT AN EARRING IN YO FACE! Awesome!

Mike tells Matt that he's a future hall of famer, but now, he's old and washed up. Mike wants a fight and given that he's walking into a 3-on-1 beating, I guess he's a face here.  EC3 comes down and says he has a show to pitch - following Schitt's Creek, we can get EC3'S Three Bitches, Matt, Spud, and Tyrus. And Bennett is Shemp. EC3 asks the dear lord of pro wrestling to find a career for Mike Bennett. This was amusing, and Bennett's hairline is receding now. Bennett says he doesn't need TNA, that they need him, and he isn't gonna fight tonight. EC3 tells him he must have other plans - like getting a $4 haircut. Matt pitches a wacky match with EC3 against The Matt Hardy Brand group. This ate up 13 minutes, but was pretty amusing.

EC3 and Tyrus square off, but Spud jumps EC3. Lots of nothing here. LONG NERVE PINCH by Tyrus. EC3 presses the very small Spud above his head, but gets eye raked. Twist attempt by Spud is met with a cobra clutch, but Bennett attacks EC3. Beer Money comes down for a save. Roode says they can keep the fight going. I kind of like the idea of Impact just being one long, inter-connected event where everything leads into everything else in almost real-time. It's a bit ridiculous because it leads to so many guys doing double-duty here though.

Storm hits a slingblade and attacks Tyurs on the apron. Josh rattles off the great many events leading to this match. Bennett throws Maria in front of him like a shield, leading to EC3 running to the back with him. Beer Money suplex to Tyrus! Another to Matt, and they go for the DWI, but Tyrus jumps them. Heart punch to Tyrus leads to a Twist and a pin on Roode. Drew works out a bit, and Jeff draws on his face with a big paint marker. Dollhouse 3-way recap. Gail says she's been DYING FOR 2 MONTHS to fight Maria, and wow is that a bit much. Gail says that she has convinced TNA to make a number 1 contender's match with Velvet against Madison. Weird ad for some show called Nightcap where they talk about not giving a shit if Bieber gets sick.

BroMans meet backstage before talking about how you have to Bro before you can Man and then Eli talks about how Jessie hopped off the Eli Drake train. Jessie tells Robbie that they do need to get darker. Velvet comes out in her mini-skirt and tiny panties gear. Madison goes from "Killer Queen" to "Generic Music #3" here. Velvet gets a small package for 2 and kisses Madison's hand. Cradles a plenty get 2 for each. Josh congratulates Angelina for giving birth to her son and we get an awful forearm exchange in the corner. Velvet's clotheslines are now called "skylines". Madison wins and they reluctantly hug.

Drew talks about his brother imitating a swanton bomb 17 years ago. Jesus I now feel very old. Drew says that now he gets to be in a company with the Hardys, and he gets to face Jeff tonight. Okay then. Pope says he just needs to talk next. Pope gets the whole crowd cheering him - so clearly they haven't heard his commentary. Pope says he's gone from being happy go lucky, to bad, but when he's good, he's great and when he's bad, he's better. Pope talks about how it's time to be the Pope that everyone knows him to be. Pope literally hasn't been a wrestler in TNA in six years. ELABORATE ON THIS STUFF. Lashley comes out, hopefully to not talk. Nope. Pope says he's been on TV, in movies, and been in the ring with the greatest of all-time. Pope calls him out for a fight and Lashley says that's nuts - he fought Kurt and now he's gone. Pope cheapshots Lashley with some awful punches. They brawl and Lashley misses the spear and Pope attacks the refs. Good God, this is a mid-card SD feud from eight years ago at best and it's on TV now as a big deal.

Another video of last week's gauntlet. Decay music video. AJ ad. Matt Hardy promo on the main event tonight. Recap of Pope-Lashley while EY's music plays. TIME FOR THE EY/BRAM TAG! JB is out for commentary. EY is the King, God, and most dangerous man in pro wrestling. He's HHH now? EY says he'll sit back and let Jeff win the title and then take it from Jeff. Well, he lost before - but he could win, and...then he threatens to kill Jeff. Ugh. Robbie cuts a promo on the Angry Beards. Robbie goes all GIF-worthy when Jessie insults them. A match  occurs. Nothing of note happens and I left to get a drink and missed the finish. Okay then.

Grado's celebration is up, with "Phil and Scott From Chicago" are invited. Grado meets with Shera and Al Snow - Grado says he always wanted to get head at a party and Al beats him up. And beats him up. And beats him up. He then traps Grado's arm on a box and smacks it with a pipe to break his arm. Gregory Shane Helms talks about TNA being built on the X Title. Helms has invited EDDIE EDWARDS OUT FOR A PUBLIC CONVERSATION!? Why would you invite Eddie to cut a promo? Helms says that the Wolves are one of the best-ever tag teams. Eddie says that with Davey being hurt, and Davey carrying on as a single when Eddie was hurt - he'll do the same. Helms says that with or without Davey, he's owed a tag title shot - and Helms says his TNA debut is coming soon and he's been a world tag champion before, and been in the ring and beaten some of the best ever. Helms is really good as a talker - he's far better at hyping up guys as a manager than he was as an active wrestler. I just noticed that Eddie not only has a giant scar on his forearm, but also a tattoo covering it. Helms give him a week to think about the offer. Pope-Lashley re-recap leads to Pope cutting a promo on Lashley. He wants a one-on-one fight with Lashley next week. Well Hell - they've made me care about that through all this, so the bumpy road to that match worked.

Jeff comes out for the World title match. Nice face vs. face action to start, including Jeff doing a run-up headlock takedown. Jeff gets a plancha and we go to break. Whisper in the Wind gets 2. During the break, Drew hit a Celtic Cross for 2. Superplex by Drew gets 2. Claymore kick gets 2. Super powerslam by Drew is turned into kind of an armdrag for 2. Twist and a swanton gets 2. Plancha swanton to the floor hits for Jeff. Damn - this is a really good match, and yet there's no heat at all for it. There we go - "let's go Hardy" time. Jeff clotheslines him onto the steps and SWANTONS ONTO THE STEPS, but Drew's knees go up and...man is everything about that a bad idea for Jeff at his age and with his really screwy knee. They come in and Drew gets the Future Shock for the win! This was excellent - makes me wish I recorded it. Matt comes out and says he's disappointed Jeff didn't win so he could beat him for the title. Instead, he'll face Drew on next week's show. A close-up of Matt's greying beard greets us. Drew wants it tonight, but EY and Bram attack Jeff and Drew. Jeff makes himself against EY for Revenge next week.

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