Tuesday, March 22, 2016

TNA Impact Wrestling 3-22-16

A ONE MINUTE recap of last week's insane show starts the show off. Jesus. Within ONE MINUTE, they got to Jeff's return, Jeff getting in the main event, being taken out, Matt losing, Drew cashing in, and Drew winning. "IT'S A NEW DAY, THE DAWNING OF A NEW ERA AS DREW GALLOWAY IS WORLD CHAMPION!" Jesus. Drew talks about his career and heartbreak and now BEING TNA CHAMPION, makes it all worth it. He paraphrases JFK and says you shouldn't ask what the title can do for you, but what you can do for the title...and then says his goal is to put TNA on the map again.

Matt and Spud come down, with Spud in a wacky leather getup. Drew says he had a raging afterparty when he won the title. Yup. Slurpees for everyone! Drew says he partied WITH THE COPS that Matt says should have been called due to the robbery on Impact. The Matt Hardy Brand will destroy him. NOW WE GET JEFF HARDY TALKING. Jesus. Jeff in his street gear is amusing since it's 90% similar to what he wears in the ring, and yet he looks younger and better with this stuff on. Heel goon squad beats up the faces, with EY and Bram joining in. After a break, including an AJ DVD plug, we see EY crotched on the ropes.


I think this is now a tag match. Nope. Everyone's just hitting stuff. EY goes to piledrive Drew off the apron through a table, but EC3 waits until his theme hits to save. EC3 says that he is a two time TNA World Champion - but was never pinned or submitted to lose it. EC3 says that he respects Drew, but seeing the belt on his shoulder pisses him off and he wants a title match. Mike Bennett, who last week basically lost to Gail Kim, came out to get into the WORLD TITLE MIX. Dixie comes out and says that she's heard a lot of talking - but it's time to FIGHT for a shot in a gauntlet match.

Probably a TNA gauntlet match instead of a regular gauntlet, and TYRUS WON THE LAST GAUNTLET MATCH AND STILL HASN'T GOTTEN HIS SHOT. Beer Money talks about who could face them tonight in the invitational - and name-drop Pac-Man and Truth, AMW, The Naturals, 3LK, and the Rock and Rave Infection. Storm was fun here. JB is backstage and TALKS MORE. Now we get to see the order of entry. And a Mike Bennett promo. Joy. Maria's acting is awful and Bennett is happy with his number.

 
Beer Money is out. Robbie E is out and talks about Beer Money being a great team - but there's another big team. The Bro-Mans! Oh yeah, remember when Robbie and Jessie were feuding? And when Jesse was The Man, and when Robbie was this underrated guy who was fighting for respect? They bring up Pope being speared last week. Dammit. Why couldn't that have led to an injury angle? Preferably for a couple of years, at least. Double boot to the corner by the BroMans and they talk about this being Robbie's debut on Pop. Yes, THAT is important. Josh talks about how Robbie was on one CBS reality show while Jessie is a regular on Big Brother.

Roode runs wild for a bit, then Storm comes in and punches dudes. Hart Attack gets 2 for the BroMans. Jessie lands a beautiful dropkick. Adonis Crab on Roode leads to Storm superkicking him. Super-shitty DWI hits for the win. Rosemary sings about taking out Davey. Abyss says that he's with Steve and Rosemary for reasons no one can understand. Rosemary talks about eating faces and spitting out souls. And things end in DECAY, DECAY, DECAY while some audio guys chats a bit behind them.

EY and Bram get their numbers before Willow and his umbrella appear to only EY. They hype up tonight's gauntlet match by SHOWING CLIPS OF IT.Well, that's stupid. Eddie comes out to challenge a Decay member. It's Steve, and he gets a brief edge thanks to a Rosemary distraction. Nice running kick by Eddie to Steve. Eddie takes a fucking bump on the steps off a Rosemary distraction. DO NOT TAKE THAT BUMP IN TNA. Steve tosses a chair at Eddie's head. More chair throwing. Ugh. Eddie tosses Steve's head into a bunch of corner-mounted chairs. Rosemary prevents a pin by pulling the ref out. Eddie avoids a charge and Steve runs into Rosemary and a schoolboy wins this. Goddamn this was an annoying match.

 

Maria's cleavage and ass talk about being the face of the Knockouts division. Dixie talks to Lashley about how he's lucky he only got fined. And then she says "if you want this, you got it". I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS REFERS TO. CONTEXT GODDAMMIT! Recap of the Hardy drama. Jeff Hardy talks about how the same things keep happening to him over and over again. EC3 and Jeff get their numbers. Gail vs. Maria is up. Maria's gear is amazing. Maria says that beating Gail again would change nothing - so she went to management and got her wish. And she has special guests - THE DOLLHOUSE! Rebel's intro now involves bending over and smacking her ass. Between Maria, Jade, Marti, and Rebel, this is quite the bootyriffic show.

Maria says the Dollhouse hasn't done much, and tells them to break up the Dollhouse to become women. Marti says she's crazy to think they'd do that. Maria says she sees potential in the Dollhouse and says that she asked if she could give her title shot to a Dollhouse member - and the winner of a triple threat gets her title shot.

 
 


Maria does commentary during the battle of the Dollhouse. Marti and Jade dominate Rebel. Lots of awful-looking stuff here. Josh openly mocks how horrible this is, while Josh talks to Maria about how they say "dollhouse" the same way. This knockouts triple threat could be one of the worst TV matches all year between the action and the commentary. Rebel goes for Christy's finisher despite Marti...moving out of the way before she attempted the move. Jade kicks Rebel hard twice and gets 2. Maria says that she can get the Knockouts some big deals - and they talk about Trump being off the show and Pope says he read the Playboy for the photos after Maria says he read it for the articles.

 
 

Maria talks about inspiring the division tonight. Josh talks about it being a curse to be leading the Dollhouse, and Josh says that he wishes Pope would run it while Maria says she doesn't want to see Pope in those outfits. Jade wins and gets the title shot. Hardy, Tyrus, and Spud are backstage. Spud has a lollipop now for some reason. Matt draws AN EXCELLENT NUMBER!

Grado does a skit with Shera and walks to invite his friends Scott and Phil from Chicago. Shera says that Odarg owes him $50, while Grado says he's owed $55 and then pulls out the Odarg mask. Drew comes out to talk about how everyone talks and won't shut up in TNA. Lashley comes out - hopefully to not talk. Lashley calls him The Cham over and over. THE GAUNTLET HAS STARTED!? Lashley is number 1 and EC3 is 2.

Seeing EC3 and Lashley go at it shows how gigantic EC3 is and how trimmed down Lashley is. Spud jumps EC3 and EC3 chops the shit out of him. EC3 eats a beating from the two heels and Bennett is out. EC3 takes him down, but the other heels save Bennett. Lashley crossfaces him in the ropes a bunch. EY is out. EC3 has a 6-on-1 disadvantage and he's just not good at playing babyface in peril. EY and Bennett go at it a bit. Tyrus is out and EC3 tosses Spud out. Bennett eats a spear. Lashley spears Tyrus from about a mile away. Lashley tosses Tyrus out. Bram tosses EY out and Lashley spears Bram to take him out. Pope eliminates Lashley.

Pope jumps off the apron and attacks Lashley. Pope vs. Lashley - the mid-card SD feud you didn't even know you wanted nine years ago. Now in TNA! Matt's out and eats some boots from EC3.
Jeff is running like Mick did at the Rumble in 2012. EC3 eliminates Bennett - so it's down to Matt vs. Jeff vs. EC3 in a shot for the title. So it's like a less-exciting version of their nothing triple threat...yay... EC3 is gone, so it's Matt vs. Jeff. A "let's go Reby" chant breaks out. Matt drops some legs on Jeff. Sleeper to Jeff leads to a jawjacker. Pop-up dropkick hits in the corner for Jeff. Snap Twist hits for Matt, and gets a "Twist of Fat" - ha! Jeff eliminates him and Jeff vs. Drew is made for next week.


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