Tuesday, March 1, 2016

TNA Impact Wrestling 3-1-16

The last couple of shows have been dull as dishwater, but we've got Spud's heel promo to look forward to here - so that should be solid. Speaking of which, One Eyed Solid Snake on Days of Our Lives remains a highlight of watching the last few minutes of this show before Impact. The acting here is bad, but still better than most wrestling shows. A recap of last week's show just goes right into THAT UNGRATEFUL SON OF A BITCH and the cage door shot. Matt and Reby are VERY HAPPY and pleased with Spud. Josh lambasts Matt Hardy and his CONTEMPTIBLE CRONIES. He should've written for the '60s Batman show. The opener is Kurt Angle's second-to-last match in TNA.

Josh calls Roode a first-ballot hall of famer, while Pope says he's a legend. Fuck off the both of you - that's a Peepism, daddy! Kurt shuffles out and gives his shirt to a fan. They tie-up mid-ring while Josh and Pope fellate TNA for featuring wrestling on a wrestling show. Kurt gets a hiptoss and armdrag followed by an armbar. Pope yells a lot about each man's resume that they rundown in every single match. Josh says that Kurt will be inducted into the international sports hall of fame while he eats a goardbuster. Pope actually offers up insight for perhaps the first time ever by talking about why a goardbuster is a good idea - the opponent is expecting a suplex and then BAM, the direction is reversed.

Kurt takes him to "suplex boulevard!" with half a dozen Germans. It used to be that three Germans was nothing - now six are just a transitional spot. Roode bomb is countered into an ankle lock - negating each of those finishers. Roode escapes and sidesteps a shoulder charge and gets 2 off a schoolboy. Roode gets a crossface, but doesn't bend Kurt's neck at all - smart move. Kurt counters THIS FINISHING MOVE into an ankle lock again. Kurt's match formula is really bad for an opener - each guy has five billion finishers and they've all been either countered, escaped, or only gotten near-falls. Another crossface>ankle lock exchange. Roode gets a crucifix for 2, but goes BACK TO THE CROSSFACE. Kurt counters it INTO AN ANGLE SLAM for 2. Nine billionth ankle lock is on, but now Roode is powerful enough to get an enzuiguri and land the Roode bomb for 2.5. Roode says "I'm sorry" ala Flair-HBK, but Angle counters the Roode bomb into yet another ankle lock and grapevines the leg to win. So for THE OPENER, we got every guy's finisher being escaped, countered, or kicked out of it and an homage to Flair vs. HBK from WM 24. Ridiculous - but it was good. Roode grabs a mic, but NOW IT'S TIME FOR A BREAK.


Josh puts over how the match had everything - suplexes, Angle slams, ankle locks, crossfaces, and Roode bombs. It had all of those things - and very little else. Roode says there's no shame in losing to the best ever and says that on behalf of himself, TNA, and the fans, thank you. Roode hugs him and it really does come off like he appreciates having big-time matches with Kurt, and also this one too. Storm comes out and cries before thanking Kurt on behalf of two TNA Originals and thanking a TNA Legend. Storm says that every wrestling company would say Kurt's knowledge is worth millions, but his friendship is priceless. Storm offers him a beer before pulling out a half-gallon of milk instead. Kurt says Angle-Lashley will be a classic, but he wants to see Beer Money vs. The Wolves. Wolves come out with Eddie in a nice black shirt, a vest and slacks and Davey in...jeans and a black shirt. Davey talks about being inspired by Kurt, while Eddie. Says. That they are. The greatest team. In TNA History. The match is made and their case is cashed in for next week.

Matt and Reby come out. Reby is dressed like 1992. Amazing. Chairshot recap makes sure to show the chair just hitting the steps. Matt says that he's done with EC3 - and he should really be in a suit as much as possible. Facially, he hasn't aged much, but his body looks awful. Matt says that Spud will probably be called a sellout for taking his ICONIC money, but he's a great man. Spud comes out in a black leather jacket, a black shirt, and black jeans - so he's totally ditched the bright suits he had even as a heel. Matt and Spud embrace. Spud says that he's sad for the fans who will never leave England and that one year ago, he was left bloody in England with his head shaved.

He says the fans chanting EC3 disrespects one of their own and then asks for a show of hands for when he needed help - but they weren't there for him. Now, they're all jealous of him because he escaped the UK three years ago and they all wish they could be a star like him. A "who are ya!" chant breaks out and he says HE'S ROCKSTAR SPUD, and he got revenge by doing the right thing - take from EC3 what he wanted most. Spud cutting this promo in front of Reby's cleavage is glorious framing. And then EC3 just interrupts with a chair - so much for the conchairto meaning anything. He chairs shots Tyrus and clotheslines Matt. Spud tries to attack, but EC3 turns around and the heels leave. Tonight, EC3 wants a FIGHT. 

Gail calls Maria out for A FIGHT.  A new Decay video is yet another fine showcase for Rosemary's cleavage. Matt blames Dixie for everything while she passes the buck to everyone else. Dixie says the EC3-Spud fight will be unsanctioned. Decay comes out for an Abyss match. Please no. It's against Jimmy Havoc, so it at least makes storyline sense. They start off with a suicide dive from Havoc countered by a trash can to the head. Goons set up a table at ringside in this hardcore match. Why have this before the street right main event? Abyss goes for a cheese grater, but Havoc gets it and grinds his balls. Can shots to the head for Abyss. Rosemary distracts him so Steve can attack with a kendo stick, but he grabs the stick and then Abyss throws a chair at him - knocking him off through a ringside table. Abyss goes to impale him with Janice against a table, but it misses. Abyss is sent through that table a bit later and gets 2. A barb-wire board is now used for this mid-card middling feud match. Havoc avoids a chokeslam and lands some cane shots, but eats a Black Hole Slam into the board and Abyss wins.

Nike Bennett video saying Kurt ducked him, but since Drew beat Kurt, he would've beaten him - and that is next. Or maybe Gail challenging Maria is. EC3 says that Spud is a rockstar - he's a coward and he'll be going to slaughter. A year ago, he left Spud bald and now he'll take his last breath. Gail comes out and yammers on about raising the bar and sacrificing to raise the bar. Maria comes out to catcalls and asks the fans if they want to see her fight - NO, she is going to stand there until she's finished talking. She has such great delivery. Maria says she couldn't get in the ring - she would be like Gail, and she can't do that while Gail wants to be just like her. Gail says Maria's just a crazy-ass bitch while Maria says that Gail married a celebrity chef for all the world to see. Maria is happy to be a celebrity. She was on Celebrity Apprentice with THE GREAT DONALD TRUMP! She was in Playboy, and is the first lady of pro wrestling! She won't wrestle - she's a lady, and Gail chases her. Jade jumps her, hits her with the belt and says she's coming for what's hers. This was great.

 Josh runs down tonight's card while ERIC YOUNG COMES DOWN!? Oh yeah, he's KOTM Champion. EY and Bram say words. EY's God and THE KING. Big Damo comes out - looking like a fat, paler version of Rusev. Josh rattles off "I SAW IT AND PEOPLE ARE ALREADY MAKING MEMES ABOUT IT!" literally seconds after he lands a dropkick. Damo stomps the gut, then stands on his gut - but misses a senton and EY hits a flying neckbreaker. Damo lands some nice forearms and a corner lariat. Powerbomb and a big flying elbow land for 2. Nice elbow - everything he does looks outstanding. CROSSBODY GETS 2 FOR DAMO! Damo goes for another senton after a DVD attempt, but eats knees to the back and a really sloppy, dangerous piledriver for the win. This was a blast though - he should've earned himself a regular gig with this match alone. Drew cuts a nothing promo on Bennett.

Pope puts over THE CAPTAIN, THE LEONIDAS OF TNA Drew Galloway. Drew's crossface is called the Iron Maiden. Drew eats a cheapshot, but lands a lariat and corner stomps. Everything Drew does is crisp. Nice spot where Bennett does the "run into the corner and hop up" bit and Drew hits that jumping high kick at the same time. A hilarious Stone Cold cosplayer pops for Drew press-slamming Bennett on the barricade. Bennett runs at him, but Drew pops him up into the post head-first. These two have really fun chemistry - this should be a KOTM Title feud, and EY should just not hold that thing. Bennett lands a few running boots and we see how beet-red his chest is after the chops in the corner. Mike drives the knee into the back a few times before a straightjacket choke.Flapjack into a sliding Claymore gets 2 - this is the best Bennett has looked so far, and that move is basically Drew's secondary finisher, so it means a bit more here getting 2.

Drew is pissed and lands a Kobashi machine gun chop sequence in the corner. Bennett avoids Future Shock with a big forearm, but Drew gets 2 off a spinebuster. Bennett lands some big forearms, while Drew responds with chops. Bennett gets 2 off a cutter. Rainmaker punch hits, but Drew avoids the modified Cradle Shock, while Drew hits the Celtic Cross. Claymore Kick hits and he locks on the Iron Maiden. Maria puts his foot on the rope and says SHE DID NOTHING. Schoolboy with the tights wins! This was a legit great match and a distraction finish ACTUALLY ADDED TO THE MATCH. They did a finish, but the heels cheated - so Drew isn't hurt, and now he has a reason for revenge and maybe even a reason to put the case on the line to propel Bennett into the main event mix down the line. Matt and Tyrus pump Spud up.

Grado says HE'S JUST VIEWIN' A BUILDIN' He got to WRESTLE LEGENDS LIKE AL SNOW AND IN BUILDINGS LIKE THE IMPACT ZONE! Now he's got the proof of what he needed, and next week, he'll show how he got screwed. Lashley vs. Angle recap from a match in April of last year. They hype up next week's show as being historic while SHOWING CLIPS OF IT DURING THIS WEEK'S SHOW. Spud comes out in his black shirt and black jeans. Tyrus jumps EC3 backstage while in Adidas shorts. EC3 beats him up and then Matt jumps him. EC3 locks them in the back of the trailer truck they're next to and heads to the ring. Well, that was different in a good way.

EC3 attacks him on the ramp and tosses him down it weirdly. Spud is just taking odd bumps and landings here into both the railing and the mat. Spud is taking the most careful and reserved "out of control" bumps ever. EC3 comes in, but Spud's already there and lands a boot. Spud rakes the eyes and threatens a crew member to get a chair. Spud boots it into his face. A nice EC3 chant breaks out while he grabs the chair. Spud kicks his knee and gets the chair, slamming it into the knee. EC3 eats some corner mount punches before landing a TK3. Spud tries to leave, but EC3 tosses him into the ring. EC3 grabs a table - which we've already seen a bump off the top rope to the floor on. Spud dives off the apron, but gets caught and press slammed on the floor. EC3 tries to set the table up, but Spud tries to leave and says "goddammit!". EC3 charges in the corner and gets kicked in the balls. Spud slaps him around like a cocky shit and lands his punch combo. EC3 catches the last punch and powerbombs him through the table. EC3 chokes him out with a bodyscissored cobra clutch and Spud taps. Officials try to separate them despite this being unsanctioned.





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