TNA Impact Wrestling 3-8-16

Sorry this is up a bit later than expected - I've been a bit sick since Monday. Felt okay-ish outside of some minor nosebleeds from Friday to Sunday, but Monday, I was just out of wind way too quickly and just didn't feel right - so I came home early. We get a big Kurt Angle hype video saying that for TWO DECADES, he gave everyone memories. Tonight, the Kurt Angle Farewell Tour ends. Lashley vs. Kurt Angle - THE FINAL TIME...until some random Bellator and/or UR Fight show. Dixie says that tonight will be a special and emotional evening.

The roster is around the ring and Dixie introduces THE ONLY OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST IN PRO WRESTLING HISTORY, THE TNA HALL OF FAMER, AND THE BEST WRESTLER IN HISTORY - Kurt Angle. William Corgan gives him a standing ovation. Josh says that Kurt is Iron Man, Captain America, AND THE INCREDIBLE HULK IN ONE. HE IS THE AVENGERS. Dixie says that she will try to get through this without crying and thanks Kurt for what he did a decade ago and the crowd was so loud when they showed his debut video, she was on the phone with him and couldn't hear herself scream in joy. She cries thanking Kurt, he tears up, and the crowd chants "thank you, Angle!" Drew bows to him and puts him over and says that being in the ring with him is like being in a master class. Drew says that the TNA roster WANTED TO BE PRO WRESTLERS. 100% of the TNA roster apparently wanted to be Kurt, while 90% of the NXT roster wanted to match his DUI record.

Kurt says that he came to TNA to find himself, and that when most retire, they're shells of themselves. Not him. He's a better man and father than he was, and a better wrestler. He thanks the roster for giving him the chance to work with him, and thanks the fans. Lashley's ill-fating vroom vroom theme hits as he thanks Kurt. He's SOFT-SPOKEN and HARD-HITTING. Kurt is his hero, and he's amazing. Lashley tells him that Kurt just isn't ready to wrestle Lashley. Lashley desperately needs a human being to talk for him - perhaps just type to talk software. It would be an improvement. Gail vs. Jade is happening for the KO title, while the Wolves face Beer Money! Also, EY defends his title. Fuck.

 

 

 Why is TNA up Schitt's Creek? Well, this Eric Young and Bram King of the Mountain Title Mystery Match MIGHT be one reason why. We know it's these two in some kind of match and at least one ladder was ringside. It could be a KOTM match for the KOTM Title - shocking. Well, how about that - it is one. Why would this be a mystery? Moreover, WHY NOT HYPE THIS UP FOR THE PAST WEEK!? Or at least say "hey, next week KOTM returns". Will Osprey eats a DVD from Jimmy Havoc, but he loses to Osprey and he can climb. EY knocks him off the ladder and his arm catches the rope violently. Havoc gets out of the box, then climbs it and dives onto Damo and Bram. So that's now just a spot a minute into this thing. "In his mind, he is God - and he's going to prove that he's God by retaining his King of the Mountain Title".  Pope is awful. EY piledrives Havoc on the steps and pins him to put him in the box again.

Bram impaler DDTs Damo, so he can now climb the ladder. EY and Bram right for a bit and Bram wins that little war. It's astonishing how unimportant this title is, and right on cue, Pope says EVERY TITLE IN TNA MATTERS. If this is an important title, while is Damo fighting for it despite winning zero matches in TNA? Osprey climbs the ladder and eats a slick neckbreaker off the top rope - so Will Osprey was used to put over ERIC YOUNG in 2016. EY faces Jeff Hardy next week, but it wasn't stated if it will be a title match.

 

The finish to Angle-Joe from Genesis 2006 is shown. Maria meets with President Dixie and praises TNA for being so inspired to have them here - but her husband will be calling Dixie out later. Maria tells Dixie to call her assistant and they can have a formal chit-chat. Maria is several dozen worlds beyond every other female talker in this company. Decay and Marilyn Manson video. Bennett says that the miracle will be him being named number 1 contender, but THE CAPTAIN OF TNA Drew Galloway comes down. Josh is confused as to why Mike Bennett should be named the number 1 contender, while, I'm confused as to why Drew is The Captain of TNA. He tells Mike to not be a little bitch and turns to Maria, leading to a "little bitch" chant. Ground and pound by Galloway, oh, and Bennett is now in a shirt and torn jeans. Heck of a star. Slammiversary 2007 KOTM clip shows Kurt winning the title and becoming the first TNA World Champion. TNA's cropping of their footage to 16x9 isn't too awful. Wolves give Kurt props for being an inspiration. Kurt commends Davey for using the ankle lock and says Ken Shamrock gave it to him, so he's giving it to Davey. Gail vs. Jade is next. X HOSE PRO XTREME ad. If you order now, you can get THE XTREME HOSE NOZZLE.

 

Jade is mid-ring for the intro, while Gail comes down and we get a reminder that TNA is on Tuesdays at 9PM on Pop TV. Gail jumps her with bad forearm smashes. Jade hits a bad gutbuster. Yes Kicks to Gail. Gail recovers and gets a ringpost figure 4. Pope calls Jade a tarantula and talks about four legs, while Josh says they have 8. Jade locks on a Muta lock and just...releases it. Fujiwara armbar by Jade, but Gail counters into a wacky headscissor. German out of Eat Defeat gets 2. Gail avoids a package piledriver with a wacky kick, while a double rollthrough a crossbody gives Gail the win. This was really sloppy.

 

 

Recap of Spud's heel turn and his ass-kicking last week. They announce Matt vs. EC3 next week, while Matt says it's an injustice while sitting on his throne. Wolves vs. Beer Money is legit the only tag title dream match in the company, and no one gets an intro. Basic stuff to start, leading to the double dive to the floor. Outside-in legdrop from Eddie gets 2. Eddie gets a double rana and tags in. Davey gets a wacky leglock onto Storm and a bad ankle lock to Roode. Storm gets pushed up top and eats a ton of kicks for 2. Storm hits a super rana leading to a Roode dive for 2. Beer Money double suplex. Davey dives into a Codebreaker. They exchange superkicks, but Roode hits a spinebuster and a slingshot DDT gets 2 on Eddie. DWI hits and Beer Money wins. This was good-ish, but never got out of first gear. Angle HOF induction clip. Lashley tells Captain Drew that Drew isn't ready to face Lashley.

 

A #ThankYouKurt video montage aired. We get some nice videos that TNA has put in this weirdly-proportioned box. Mike Bennett talks shit to Kurt because it could've been HIM that beat Kurt Angle in his last match. Kurt says if he does come back, it'll be real - DAMN REAL, PUNK. So very odd to build Angle vs. Bennett when that isn't happening. Grado runs down and asks for 2 seconds. Josh asks why they would give a fired guy a live mic. Grado has VIDEO PRUF! E-li and Jessie come down .They jump him, but Shera saves. The case hits them all, but Eli accidentally hits Jessie and Grado runs with the case back and forth. Lashley and Angle jog backstage. They hype up next week's show and we get another Kurt tribute video. We get Simon Diamond and Al Snow's opinions on Kurt. They really, truly love Kurt and this kind of stuff may be sappy, but there was some genuine emotion in there.

JB gives this a bit-match intro. Angle hits a pair of Germans and Lashley scrambles to the floor. Belly to belly by Kurt as well. Lashley takes him down with a chinlock. More Germans by Kurt. Lashley elbows out and powerslams him down to a sea of boos. Angle Slam gets 2. More Germans. Lashley gets a cross armbar, which of course leads to Kurt's arms having enough strength for an ankle lock. Spinebuster by Lashley. Big spear gets 2. Ankle lock with a grapevine. Lashley kicks out of it and Angle misses a corner charge while a third spear wins for Lashley. Lashley holds Kurt's hands high and clotheslines him down. Lashley spears him, Eddie, Drew, and EC3 comes down. So I guess Matt retains next week thanks to Lashley. Good-ish show on paper that didn't deliver in execution.

 

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