Sheamus and Alberto are walking backstage to have a match...for some reason. WWE MAGAZINE HAS MORE READERS PER COPY THAN MAXIM, AND DID YOU KNOW IT'S WWE MAGAZINE'S 30TH ANNIVERSARY! They showed Sheamus's thigh all sorts of fucked up from the MITB match. It's been a year since the 1,000th show. ONE FULL YEAR of 3 hours shows. Sheamus got a quick LET'S GO BROGUE chant and Alberto responded by flexing his pecs. JBL said that Alberto gets better every week. Well, he lost last week, so I don't know how valid that statement could be. Rope armbar led to Sheamus just punching the fuck out of Alberto on the top rope. THAT RULED. On the WWE App, Sheamus's leg was thrown into the steps. They showed Sandow backstage with the case. Everything Sheamus does is at near-Hogan speed. JBL talked about clubbering and JR...who never talked about it. Sheamus went up top but got kicked. Dude's trying, but he's moving like he's nowhere near ready to be out there, and in there with someone he has very little chemistry with, so why do this? Leg buckled on the White Noise and Alberto turned it into, wait for it, A SCHOOLBOY, for a win. This match overachieved since Sheamus is so busted up and I dug the finish making use of the injury. Instead of lambasting the heel for attacking Sheamus without mercy, Cole put him over for making use of the injury to win. THE CAST OF TOTAL DIVAS WILL BE ON MIZ TV. That should be amazing.
Vickie being named SD GM was recapped. Renee talked to Booker and Teddy. Booker was relatively cool about this, while Teddy was a massive dickhead. They officially announced the Bryan gauntlet, after implying it before. Since it's got three guys in it, I'll just assume it's against the Shield. Christian came down and appeared to be in less agony than last week, while JBL called him a young man.
Titus came out to face him. I wonder if we'll find out of Christian is fuckin tough tonight. They wished HBK a happy birthday. They talked about the royal baby being born today. Titus just tossed Christian into the ring from an over the shoulder powerslam position. Nice spot, still got no reaction. The replayed showed Christian just throwing himself off the ropes. Titus whistled with each boot his landed to Christian. Those looked better than the shitty knees he was throwing. Fallaway slam countered into the Killswitch. This was a match. They showed Ryback destroying Jericho. Ryback appears to have gained 30 pounds. RYBACK HATES AVERAGE. Since he hates average, does that mean he loves having a below-average PPV record?
The champ is... OUT OF GEAR. But thanks to WWEShop, he's good. Henry out, and they showed his attack at the hands of the Shield from Raw - but not his revenge on SD. He's proud to be a native Texan, and they're in Texas. He's proud of his effort against Cena, BUT HE'S NOT PROUD OF GETTING BEATEN UP. HIS HEART DON'T PUMP KOOL-AID, IT'S FIGHT TIME! Now it makes sense why they didn't show the SD angle - they basically reshot it here. King said you don't see this very often...unless you watched SD. Cena and Bryan exposited information in a really stilted way. Maybe Bryan's facing the Puzzler, the Riddler, and Egghead later. I love Bryan, but both guys sucked hard here.
D-Young's out to face D-Zigs. They showed Dolph getting a "big victory" on SD. It was so big they didn't show or say who it was. They did show AJ's freakout and peck on the forehead from Big E. JBL mentioned Buddy Landell when D-Young combed his hair for the millionth time. The crowd is once again totally silent in a match due to it not being hyped up or happening for any particular reason. Electric chair facebuster from DY. Dolph won, then got jumped by Big E. They did some light brawling, then Dolph outfoxed him. Cole talked about AJ's tweet, then said AND WHILE TALKING ABOUT THE IPHONE, which he wasn't doing, they showed the app install video. MizTV is next!
They had more "then and now" pics to hype up Summerslam. Miz looks about the same level of douchebag now as he looked then. Miz's suit looks like an early Genesis cover. They showed a clip of this show. One minute goes on for an hour. This got boos. Brie's tits are about 20 billion times bigger than Nikki's. Minor nip slip from her here. Eva was a bitch to King, slapped him, and then it made sense why she was sitting in the heel section. Then this just ended. That was bad, but sadly, not so bad it's good. Bryan's graphic just shows him as facing two people now.
HHH talked to Maddox about Bryan being the future of WWE. HHH left, then Steph just slapped Brad on the shoulder. Wyatt ass-kicking vid aired, complete with a lot of stuff from Main Event to make that show seem important. Summer Rae came out in a super hot green and black dress. Fandango's birthday is today, and he faces someone next. They hyped up an Omaze/Make a Wish WM 30 giveaway. Fandango shook his ass around to his theme song. Sandow's out to do commentary, so naturally Cody is Fandango's opponent. Loved Sandow taking credit for every single offensive move, no matter how minor, Cody hit. Minus the closed fist, since that's illegal. Fandango dove in to save the moonsault block. Disaster kick, Cross Rhodes wins. Another recap of Punk-Brock. Punk comes out next.
He's out in his shirt and jeans, and they showed an Austin-Punk sign quickly before pulling away from it quickly. Punk took an ass-kicking, BUT HE'S STILL WALKING. Brock can beat him down, but can't KEEP him down. Punk put over the UFC Title win and said Brock's biggest asset was fear. Even the toughest guys fear Brock...BUT HE IS NOT AFRAID OF BROCK LESNAR. He's a big, tough son of a bitch. He's a monster, AND MONSTERS WERE PUT IN HIS PATH TO BE SLAUGHTERED! Lots of good sound bytes here. At Summerslam, IT'S THE BEST VERSUS THE BEAST! Heyman loved the marketing, but said that heroes are just cowards who ran out of options or heroes who are fools. Heyman said Brock was in peak fighting shape, while Punk is all beat up from the MITB match and Brock's demolition. Brock-Punk is official. But it won't be The Best vs. the Beat because the Best IS the Beast! RVD faces...someone next.
RVD faces Alberto on SD. Wow. Okay, so I guess they're striking while the iron is hot. Awesome. RVD gets to squash Barrett next. Barrett got a split lip maybe a minute in. Instead of talking about that, they just talked about the new Prince of England again. JBL FINALLY talked about Wade liking that because he's a fighter. Nice big boot in the ropes to RVD hung him up on the ropes. This wound up being a pretty decent little match. Nothing special, but enjoyable. RVD got a massive celebration with almost his whole theme playing, and the Bryan matches are next.
JR was bullied by JBL and Cole. The Real Americans will face Bryan. YAY, THAT MEANS WE'LL GET CESARO-BRYAN! Zeb ranted about "the Mari Show" and paternity. Swagger-Bryan is up first. They had some good stuff going on, but Swagger lost to the Yes Lock. Cole had no idea who the second guy would be...hmm...PERHAPS THE OTHER WRESTLER OUT THERE. IN GEAR. MAYBE IT'LL BE HIM! The match started on the app, and even had the corner rush uppercut and Very European uppercut too. Edelweiss Chinlock by Cesaro, but no spin. Dragon screw by Bryan. Surfboard jump on the knees led to him kicking Cesaro on his back. Delayed suplex out of nowhere by Cesaro, and then he forearmed him a bunch. Loved Cesaro bringing back the dragdown with the tights during a chinlock. Cesaro got his fucking chest kicked in. Corner dropkick led to the hesitation dropkick to the corner by Bryan. Uppercut counter off the top from Cesaro. Bryan-Cesaro gets an ad break. YES!
They came back with the double stomp. Nice gutwrench by Cesaro. This has been his best showcase of any kind in months for him. Misawa elbow combo by Bryan led to the wacky death valley driver variant from Cesaro. German suplex led to Cesaro landing on his knees to get buzzsaw kicked. Tremendous. TIGER UPPERCUT from Cesaro while Bryan was on the top rope. Superplex countered into a tree of we by Bryan and a bunch of kicks before a baseball slide dropkick to the ribs. Cesaro countered a back suplex with a crossbody - he's a huge dude to be doing that, and he did it perfectly. Cesaro did some machine gun European uppercuts, then did a running palm thrust to get a long 2. This is Cesaro's best match in WWE. Bryan did some machine gun Misawa elbows, then locked on the Indian deathlock with elbows. Ref pulled him off, so Cesaro got to the floor where they got hit with a suicide dive. Very European uppercut led to a small package. MR. SMALL PACKAGE WINS! Maddox met with Riley backstage and said that Bryan was impressive, but we'll see how he does against THE NEXT ONE.
Ryback came out to face Bryan, and continue Bryan's streak of greatness. Bryan started off with leg kicks and Cole brought up the recent leg damage. Bryan's been wrestling for half an hour so far. Bryan got his ass kicked thanks to pure power. This got YOU CAN'T WRESTLE chants, which led to Ryback just smacking his own head and doing the Hogan ear cup. Ryback did a chinlock to call some spots. Calgary Crab locked in about 2 inches from the rope, so Ryback made it to the ropes. Ryback rushed in for the Meathook but got hit with a flying knee instead. Meathook finally hit when he went for a second corner dropkick! Ryback set a table up, but got hit with the suicide dive for his troubles. Ryback got kicked a bunch on the floor. They got back in. Kicks to the leg and body by Bryan! Ryback's face hit the second rope, so Bryan kicked it through the ropes! Bryan got the missile dropkick, then the Yes Lock in the dead center of the ring.
Powerbomb through a table by Ryback gave Bryan the win. Well, this was a showcase for every single person involved in it. Ryback tried to further bully Bryan, but Cena by golly, WILL NOT STAND FOR BULLYING! Cena challenged Ryback to a tables match...um, isn't that bullying him too since Ryback's just had a match? It will happen at some point in the future. Cole said it'll be next week. That was awkward. Vince is backstage with Maddox and had a blue and pink shirt AND tie on. Vince said we haven't seen the vicious side of Bryan. Bryan-Kane is next week too. Bryan stood in the ring and got a standing ovation from the crowd. Well, he damn sure earned it.
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