Thursday, July 4, 2013

TNA Impact 7-4-13

Nice recap of THE SUICIDE SITUATION with TJ Perkins - it was one of the longest recaps they've done. The Impact Wrestling logo is red, white, and blue and looks nice. Aries is out in street gear with the title, so Hogan apparently has no issue with Aries taking TJ's title since he unmasked. Tenay saying Aries could point to his head all he wanted was amusing. A fan is holding up the world's largest sign that says BULLY IS IN CONTROL. Aries saying "you can bet your ass I'll put it in", then correcting himself to saying cash it in ruled. Tenay talking about Hogan having some of his biggest wins in Vegas was odd since that would just be Halloween Havoc shows, and none of those were really major wins in his career. Hogan with the X Title is hilarious. Hogan ranting about gimmick infringement is also hilarious. And then he brought out Manic, which is IDENTICAL to the Suicide gear only without the name. Sadly, they didn't keep the sweet theme. Given that the Suicide name was a nightmare for merch, it's surprising it took them this long to change it. SABIN-MANIA'S RUNNING WILD BROTHER! Sabin whined a bunch about Aries cheating. No good cheater cheaterly! Aries-Sabin-Manic should at least be good. The X Division title meaning something for a brief period is nice. AJ faces Kaz and Joe Park is facing Jeff Hardy. Daniels calling the camera guy Perry, after Superman, ruled.

A new KOs video rules, and just has the babyfaces and heels prancing around in bikinis. Christy's bikini top introduced Kaz and Daniels in Siegfried and Roy outfits...or so they said. They were wacky, and their magical powers allow women's undergarments to disappear and the TNA World title to appear around Kaz's waist in October. Taz pondered if they were dressed as Neil Diamond, then sang. Thank God they renewed this man's contract after firing people who still give a shit. FOLLOW DIXIE CARTER ON TWITTER. Maybe Taz gets another year added to his deal for every 100 new followers. KENTA combo by AJ with some modified stuff - backhand chops, forearms, and a spinning clothesline to finish instead of the high kick. AJ's springboard forearm is gorgeous. Taz thought that they were dressed like Elvis, and AJ won with the Calf Killer. Really good match. Mickie's cleavage is backstage asking for a ladder.

Chavo blatantly lied to Hernandez's face and told him that EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT HERNANDEZ AS A FUTURE WORLD CHAMPION! Holy shit, Mickie's jeans are amazing. This promo is so great. EVERYONE wants her for ads, national ads even. Hopefully not with Direct Auto Insurance. Mickie's cleavage is certainly...prominent here. She's going to smash Gail and Taryn's face on the ladder. She's also the record-breaking, history-making KOs champ! This was amazing. Stupid goofy drama with the Gut Check debate. It's astounding how little Al Snow has aged given his time in the business and him being nearly 40 in his prime. Al Snow is now in black acid-washed jeans and what can only be described as a floral-print Zubaz sportscoat. Oh, and Sting and Angle will reveal a new MEM member later. That got maybe 2 seconds of time.

Christy's hip-showing dress rules. Jay Bradley looks like a jobber with his kneepads around his ankles. Jay Bradley's facing Hernandez in a match that would be impossible to care about if it wasn't for this series. During this of all matches, they plugged the Hardcore Justice 2 PPV for half a second. Beautiful Air Mexico dive that Bradly sold like it was a Pounce.Train Wreck got 2. The Texas flag gear is really slimming on Hernandez. And then thanks to Chavo's distraction, Hernandez won with the Get Off Me tackle. They showed a post-match graphic with how much the win was worth and how many points he had overall. Aces had a wacky meeting where Wes talked about Brooke getting engaged...while married to Bully...which is sure odd. And they're planning to make sure no one wins the X Title match tonight. Okay plan, except that someone has to leave with the title, so if the plan is to avoid a title match altogether, it's faulty unless they take the champ out.

Bro-Mans came out and Taz talked about chicken salad and devil's food. Their gear is amazing. It's matching, and results in Jesse appearing to wrestle in his underwear. Well, if it was grey and neon yellow. Sadly, Robbie's team has a different theme and badly needs one of his older ones back - it's not nearly goofy enough. Taz talked about Storm's theme. I'm astonished he didn't start singing it. Tara was great as a manager here with a rope choke on Gunner. Gunner's snap fallaway slam is a fine example of how to make an existing move your own. Post-move slaps to the face are a nice touch too. They teased an H-bomb, but turned it into throwing Robbie crotch-first into Jesse. Great spot with Jesse trying to avoid being sunset flipped, so Robbie held onto his hands - and got superkicked. Then Gunner hit THE SICKEST IRISH CURSE BACKBREAKER EVER and the champs did a front powerslam setup into a neckbreaker/Emerald Frosien combo. Good to get a finish set up for them. THIS MATCH RULED!  MEM announcement may be next.

Jeff Hardy's got red, white, and blue paint on his neck. It looks ridiculous. Jeff Hardy basically gives no shits about this and just wants to get his points and leave. Sting and Angle came out without Joe, which is quite weird. Tenay's WHAT!? when Taz said he wasn't impressed by them ruled. A guy in the front row who can only be described as a a mix of Ray Traylor with Michael Hayes's circle beard bowed to them. Angle's got American flag shades, which look awesome. Sting can still go WOOO! He talked about the new MEM not just being about former world champs, so he introduced...a former world champ in Joe. Joe's suit is...almost slimming. It's weird to see Joe and Angle hug. Great to hear a crowd go nuts for him though. Joe talked about getting a crew together against the Aces, which is fine if that's what they did. Instead, he joined them. Loved him talking about choking fools out though. After more rambling, they introduced Magnus as the newest member. He came out in a tremendous grey suit and looks like a star.

Taz immediately said he wasn't impressed, and then Magnus talked about joining THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS GROUP IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT! Magnus brought up being on top of the leaderboard, which actually makes him a perfect candidate to join the group right now. He put over Sting, Angle, and Joe. He gave Joe credit for putting him on the map as a team. Magnus came off awesome here. Sting challenged the Aces to an MEM-Aces fight on 7/18, and guaranteed a winner in tonight's main event. This was the best MEM deal they've done yet. Then they hyped up the hilarious PS1-looking TNA/Jeff Hardy app. Christy's cleavage introduced Hardy while a fan bopped his head to his theme. Joe Park's intro is being saved for after the break.

They hyped up Destination X as a PPV-level show on free TV, similar to the Whole F'N Show from August of 2010 that happened since the Hardcore Justice show was just for ECW dudes. Taz and Tenay had a great debate about big words, lawyers, and Hardy's red, white, and blue paint. Tremendous flip bump off a flying headscissors from Park and the Twisto led to the swanton, which shockingly missed. Loved Taz crediting it to him seeing a Twinkie nearby. Outstanding sinister grin from Park during a chinlock. Twist countered into an Irish whip, then a Samoan drop. Second-rope splash hit, but he was too shocked to cover immediately so Hardy kicked out. Second corner bodyblock was countered into a Wispher in the Wind. It caused him to bleed red Sharpie, so he did the Abyss pose and hit the Black Hole Slam on the ref. He lost 10 points as a result of this. Park said he had no idea what happened and that he didn't do it. They're doing a great job with this split personality gimmick. GUT CHECK IS NEXT! As is a sandwich.

They hyped up live events and Destination X, which I'm quite hyped about. Prichard is in grey, orange, and pink with blue jeans. I'm not sure if that's more or less absurd than Snow's getup. Taz talked about Van Hammer, Dan Hammer, and said Ryan was Stan Hammer. Al Snow, dressed as he is, talked about Howe being nuts. Howe got booed out of the building THE SECOND he grabbed the mic. Loved the silence horn hitting the second he talked about doing what's best for the future of TNA. Danny Davis put him over huge...and then Bruce voted no. Bruce hyped this up as THE TOUGHEST REALITY SHOW CONTEST IN THE WORLD! He voted no. Then Taz sang "Taps" while burying Howe as a musician. Doc talked to Bully about the 7/18 match, while Anderson was an annoying dickhead to him. Bully ordered them to knock off this bullshit because it's time to wreck shit. RAMBLERS, LET'S GET RAMBLING!

They hyped up the HJ PPV and the Aces came out before the main event. They had an outstanding hype vid for the Taryn-Gail ladder match showing clips from their PPV match and talking about Gail winning a ladder match before, against Roxxi, and using a sunset bomb off the ladder. They had some TMZ stuff about the PPV match's brutality and comments from each woman about the upcoming match. This was outstanding. Sabin came out, then Manic, who got absolutely no reaction because they changed his theme and didn't even keep his entrance video. Instead of just changing "Suicide" to "Manic", it's just a generic spinning X. In theory, the name change could be done seamlessly without hurting either the character or the guy playing him, but damn did they ever fuck it up here.

Sick bump on the apron from Manic. Nice seated dropkick to the back of the head off the second rope from Aries. Springboard diving chop off the top to the ramp from Aries. Sabin smashed the shit out of his face on the ramp. Aces attacked Manic, who at least kicked off Knux, but got powerbombed on the floor from Doc. MEM came out to remind you that this is really all about the Aces-MEM feud. They came back with a sick brainbuster on the apron getting a near countout for Aries. Love Taz getting angry for Sting being on the apron distracting Aries. VINTAGE KOBASHI MACHINE GUN CHOPS from Sabin. Holy shit. VINTAGE MACHINE GUNS super-speed basement dropkick got 2 for Sabin. The Aries corner dropkick was countered with a boot to the face. Rope-assisted DDT-style move to the knee from Aries. Now the corner dropkick hits, but the brainbuster was countered into a small package. Then the brainbuster hit BUT IT ONLY GOT 2! Last Chancrey was locked on. This is easily the best X division match they've had since they made it all 3 ways.

One big improvement is IT NOT BEING A THREE WAY AND BEING TURNED INTO A ONE ON ONE MATCH. 450 led to an ass-first landing, then a sky high into a powerbomb for a 2. THEN THE HAIL SABIN GOT 2! They totally picked the wrong night to set up such an awesome show. Victory roll got 2. Sting was on his cell phone at ringside. Sadly, it was a modern phone and not one of Paul E's '80s ones. Back and forth forearms led to a super-fast corner forearm, then a corner dropkick. SUPER CRADLE SHOCK out of a brainbuster counter. Sabin got the win, got the title, and clearly regretted doing that finisher by grabbing his ass immediately. Sabin's chest was all fucked up thanks to the chops and strikes. This match was outstanding and well worth watching. And then Sabin cut a terrible promo, but at least they hyped up the cash-in for next week.

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