Thursday, July 11, 2013

TNA Impact 7-11-13

Pre-show hype vid after Cops hypes up the Gail-Taryn ladder match. The proper opening vid focused on the X Title situation over the past few weeks. Brooke's engagement got a mention due to the Aces recap, and Magnus joining MEM was showcased as well. For some reason that can't be fathomed, they showed Sabin's promo. Bully's threatening the camera guy and saying that HOW DARE BROOKE GET ENGAGED while still being married to him. Tenay is being silenced by the loud music while talking about the Joker's Wild tourney and gauntlet. Tenay gave Bully the talk to the hand bit. Bully's a man who does bad things, to bad people. No word on if he does them with Rikishi and does them for the Rock though. It seems odd for TNA to go from LAS VEGAS to Louisville, KY. Makes next week's show seem a bit rinky dink, even though it's a PPV-level show. The MEM came out with Joe in his gear and Angle ACTUALLY WEARING HIS GOOFY AMERICAN FLAG SHADES! Real Estate Steve grabbed the mic and did a terrible New York mafioso accent while announcing that a new MEM member will be revealed tonight - new VP for the Aces too.

Velvet's boobs alerted everyone to a ShopTNA site deal. Christy's let us know who would be in the opening Joker's Wild tag. Hardy's first out, then Park came out waving like a very special child. Emo AJ's teaming with Joe. Park got kicked in the leg and Taz compared him to a JOHNNY PUMP - that's a fire hydrant for non-NYers. Taz talked about being world champ before, having theme rides named after him, and Tenay just outright told him to stop putting himself over and focus on the guys in the ring today. AJ got the calf killer, and Park made the save by going for a stomp, but then going for a double sledge instead. Flying forearm from AJ led to a choke from Joe and a win. This was shockingly good stuff. AJ and Joe qualify for the gauntlet later.

Taryn's boobs worked out backstage. Joker's wild match 2 is up with Jay Bradley, with the world's most generic theme and tron starting. Bradley's angry about teaming with Supermex. They were opponents last week, but that really shouldn't matter now since Hernandez is a tag guy and this bodes well for them winning. Anderson's out looking retired again and he has to team with Magnus. Boy does this seem like a total waste of "lead face group teams with lead heel group.". It'd be like Hall teaming up with a Steiner in '96 or something along those lines. Taz talked about weather, leading to Tenay asking if he worked for Spike or the Weather Channel. Tenay is great tonight. Taz rooted for DECAPITATION on Magnus. Anderson left, so Magnus just got clubbed, but still won with a schoolboy. Taz sang some more and Tenay begged him to please stop. Aries talked to Roode about how it took the whole company to take him down. Bad Influence met with them, and CD has Captain America's shield on his getup now.

ANOTHER FUCKING TAG MATCH is next. They should've spaced these things out because I'm officially done with tag matches tonight. Daniels is teaming with Aries, while Kaz teams with Roode. Yet another wacky mismatched tag team here. Daniels and Kaz tagged in, but avoided working against each other. Roode and Aries did basic chain-wrestling. Digging Roode's black and grey gear. Loved the discus forearm with a snap to it from Aries. Aries went for a brainbuster on Kaz, but was prevented, and then a blind tag led to Daniels tagging himself in to save Kaz, but getting cradled while Aries tripped on the ropes to try and make a save. Dug the finish.

The Hogans met in a dark area with Hulk IN A LEOPARD-PRINT DOORAG! Hulk Hogan is angry for some reason that they should've talked about. Bully met with the Aces and talked about D'Lo being gone. I thought he was just on super-duper bike-washing probation. They took a vote that was hard to either care about or hear due to the other talking over the loud speaker going on. Anderson's the VP. Knux and DOC had words afterwards. That could actually be a fun little match. Christy's boobs got a closeup while Mickie came out to sit at ringside. Gail's IT'S ME Twitter handle reminds me of DDP's WWF gimmick. Taryn's tron is her lips in close-up. Crazy spear from the ring to the ramp from Taryn. I'm amazed she didn't smash her elbow up. Gail had the ladder smashed against her stomach in a ramp, but thankfully Taryn just dropkicked it further into her stomach instead of doing a ramp spot. Taz came in and immediately took the focus away from everything while Tenay clued him in onto what a ladder match was. They teased the ringpost figure four, but Taryn kicked her to the mats for an ad break.

They came back and did a fall off the top of the ladder, which was just a transition into Gail ducking under the ladder on a whip only to have it thrown into her face. Gail was KOed with the ladder around her, so Taryn had to get another one and THANK GOD ABOVE they actually had one under the ring. They teased a ladder bridge splash, but Gail moved. THE LADDER FIGURE FOUR MADE ITS DEBUT. I'm amazed HBK didn't use that at some point. Taryn was able to climb up after, but couldn't go up to the tippy top, so when Gail got up after being choked out on top of it, Taryn just dove on her. TREMENDOUS stuff so far. They fought on the ladder bridge, but a Cutter was countered so Taryn just went splat. Eat Defeat got countered into a dragon sleeper in the ropes, which led to Taryn's hair getting tied into them. THIS RULED! This was perfect in the sense that it's impossible to imagine it being any better than it was. Kurt and Sting met backstage, with Sting not as the Joker in a Joker-colored chair. Sting's red Batphone rang with the new MEM guy.

After the 90th playing of the puppy brother ad, they came back with them saying he'll be out soon. Gauntlet is up and Tenay talked about AJ being at a disadvantage being first. Well, that's true, but a bit ridiculous since it's just got six guys in it. Speaking of things being overplayed, Magnus came out to the MEM theme for the 55th time it's been heard tonight. They did some moves. Kaz came out. More moves. JOE CAME OUT TO THE FUCKING MEM THEME!

They came back with the crowd chanting KENNEDDYYYY with Ken in the ring. Lots of punches. This feels like a Royal Rumble with nothing but mid-carders in it and you're just waiting for stars to come out. Sadly, they're all in this. More KENNEDY stuff. Anderson was eliminated, leaving it as a Roode-Magnus singles match. They teased a cloverleaf win, but delivered one for Magnus with a schoolboy. Sabin walked backstage dressed like a created skater in Tony Hawk 2. He has to choose between accepting mediocrity as X champ or going for a shot at the gold. Hogan came out at 10:50 to suck the oxygen out of the room. Hogan, in his leopard-print doo-rag, talked about GOTSTAGOTSTA saying something. He talked about being around the best...and Chris Sabin. Maybe he's having Kidman flashbacks. Bully came out. More talking. I can't pay attention to anything but the middle-aged fan in the crowd in a yellow shirt making faces. Sabin talked to Bully like he was a teenager until he put himself over and talked about PINNING BULLY IN TEAM 3D'S RETIREMENT MATCH. And being the only guy in the business to kick out of the 3D. That's a damn good point and something they should've shown before. Sabin cut a great promo here eventually. They had Bully threaten the Aces preventing Sabin from winning, resulting in the Mafia coming out with RAMPAGE. Given that, I can see them having Rampage punch Bully out to give Sabin the title win.

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