Thursday, July 18, 2013

TNA Impact 7-18-13 - Destination X

THE NEW ERA OF THE X DIVISION begins with a new belt that looks like a fan-made blend of the Attitude IC and first X Titles. Why they spent any money on that when the existing title was fine is beyond me. A new champ will be crowned and Jigsaw, Rockstar Spud, and Trent ? are in whatever wacky X division mini-tourney they use to do that. Pre-show hype on Spike involves Bully saying "I'M A BAD PERSON" then pulling a knife. Buncha dudes backstage, including Homicide. Sabin's warming a bathroom next to a urinal with a few-years-too-late Affliction-style Impact Wrestling shirt. OUTSTANDING video on Sabin tracing him from childhood to now. JB and Tenay are on commentary, so no Taz singing.

Something might be up with Taz as JB said he was just told to come out here 10 minutes ago. The workrate-heavy Destination X starts with Bully Ray yammering. All he's been hearing about ON TWITTAH and the wrestling magazines, apparently, everyone's talking about one little boy. Damn that Sabin. Nice Let's Go Sabin chant. They're building him up great tonight, so between that, him being built up as a huge underdog, and the MEM saying they'll prevent the Aces from hurting the match, I'd say he has a shot tonight. Lots of XXXXL shirts in the crowd here. Bully wants Brooke to come out. Brooke came out looking really hot in black shorts and no lipstick, so she doesn't look 40 tonight. She's sick of Mark, and is moving on. GO BROOKE. Now please get out of wrestling as soon as humanly possible. Brooke's got some Chun Li thighs on her.

Hogan came out in that Affliction-style shirt to a massive pop that was sustained quite a bit. Hulk Hogan of all human beings talked about raping and pillaging a company. Angle and his goofy shades appeared with the rest of the Mafia. Rampage is getting paid to walk and snarl. They had Bully say HE'LL NEVER LOSE THE TITLE and won't give up Brooke, so I could see tonight being the night where he loses it all. They showed Roode losing to Aries a year ago, and tonight, he'll face the same man he lost to a year ago. Outstanding start to the show.

Roode-Aries is up, and Aries has shaved his facial hair into basically Punk's but with a soul patch. It looks ridiculous even by his standards, although he does look a lot younger. Screw you Howard Stern, JB is the King of Social Media, while Dixie is queen. Amazing. Aries did his wacky springboard axe handle to Roode, who sold it with a Flair flop. Now they're former tag partners according to Tenay. Nice flying clothesline off the apron by Roode.

They came back and Tenay plugged the workout app. Ear claps from Aries prevent Roode from superplexing him. Crazy suicide dive from Aries to Roode on the floor HITTING THE STEPS, and then Aries just talked over him and got the biggest ovation possible. Aries as an asshole babyface works. Crossface is locked on, but countered. Aries went for the corner dropkick but was met with knees to the gut. A rushing spear was countered into a bodylock and brainbuster attempt. I don't recall seeing that done before - nice. Roaring elbow and brainbuster give Aries the win. Wow. I thought they'd give Roode the win at Destination X this year after showing his loss before. Here, they've clearly established that Aries is the better man. I dig it. Roode got pissed and destroyed their 10 inch TV and threw chairs. LAX reunited but Chavo cock-blocked them and then tried to act cool. I guess since he's turning heel, this goofiness now works in his favor.

Doc was written out with Anderson saying that Knux's no-vote pushed him over the edge and made him turn in his cut. This is great since it explains the loss on the roster and gives them a way to have him return against the Aces. They showed clips of Homicide, Petey, and Sonjay before their match. Loved Cide just cuttering fools constantly. They hyped up TNA 10...a name that makes no sense since it's the ELEVENTH YEAR OF THE COMPANY'S EXISTENCE! Sonjay and Homicide have been feuding on Vine apparently. Petey set up a sharpshooter, but wound up doing a figure four/Indian Deathlock thing, then hiptossed Homicide at the same time. Petey just got his PHD in Nova-level bullshit there. Then he got headbutted off the top by Homicide. They did some goofy shit with a tree of woe to build up a snap Gringo Killer from HOmicide onto Petey. Sonjay, the least over or spectacular guy in it, got the win with the moonsault double stomp. Okay, so they're doing qualifiers to lead to Ultimate X next week for a new champ.

Kenny and Chavo got jobber intros so Hemme could say "INTRODUCING THIS IS MANIK", who still has a generic tron and theme. I see no reason to nix the existing tron and just take away the Suicide text. Ditto the theme - just take away the lyrics. It's a fine song otherwise. Manik did a goofy Indian Deathlock on King/suplex on Chavo combo. Second wacky deathlock combo move tonight. Some other goofy shit was done and Manik won with the wheelbarrow codebreaker.

They showed the Sabin video that started the show again. Well, it was pretty damn awesome. Hogan got a pep talk from Hogan, MAKE SURE THEY REMEMBER YOU. So maybe he's becoming a biker and Brooke will be married to three guys by year's end. Mafia came out. Joe in a suit giving a gang sign is hilarious. WEST SIDE! Sting, the 55 year old, comes off as less silly than Joe here. Huge MA-FIA chant broke out. Anderson cut a promo and looked 50 with their lighting/camera setup. Joe talked about the Aces drinking, and Rampage said he's thirsty...while grabbing his balls. Then they...teleported backstage, some stuff happened, and everyone but Angle got locked in a room. Angle got tossed in the back of a truck and kidnapped. So does this mean Angle's going to run around with a giant knife and a cock on his face now? Then again, if the truck hits a red light, he could just climb out.

Aries is live-tweeting, after Gail did it before. Rubix came out, then Rockstar Spud came out looking like a douchebag. Trent Baretta came out under his real name of Greg Marasciulo, which is goddamn impossible to remember. Thankfully, the crowd chanted Trent Baretta at him. They talked about Greg being weird, with a Bill Murray kneepad, and Abe Lincoln wristbands in both zombie and non-zombie forms. Nice Euro-FU handsign>enuiguri to Rubix from Spud, who looks really good out there. Trent did his wacky flip bump from that Drew match in dive form onto Spud. LOL. Rubix did a Van Terminator. Got a 2, of course. Trent won with a wackier version of Kaz's Fade to Black. Bully was on the phone with the driver. TAKE HIM TO THE SPOT. THAT EXACT ONE! Mickie came out looking hot mid-break.

The truck must've hit a red light, because Angle was not only free, but BACK AT THE BUILDING. Mickie managed to put over the ladder match without mentioning it and putting herself over by showing clips of her performance. It was the equivalent of the moon landing AND THE INVENTION OF THE TWINKIE! Gail came out and said that she's delusional and all people talked about was her history-making ladder match last week. Mickie-Gail is next week. Mickie's contract dictates that she needs a certain amount of space and oxygen, but Gail is invading both of them! This led to Mickie giving her performance five stars, going for a slap before a five-star catfight broke out with upskirts and asscrack aplenty. Aries, WHO SHOULD BE LIVE-TWEETING, met with Sabin. Aries gave him a pep talk and between this and Angle coming back, they really set up that Sabin had a chance to win. Main event match is up at 10:35, so they're either giving it a ton of time, or giving it a fair amount of time to have a big angle after it.

AJ talked about the X division being his past, and Hardy being his future next week. AJ came off as a whiner. They hyped that up and the UX match. I hope Sonjay wins simply due to him never holding it, but Trent is probably the best way to usher in a new era with the new belt and make it at least appear like one on a superficial level. A kid in Hardy paint and with a toy TNA belt did Hardy's poses and was somehow more hammy than Tenay. Sabin came out in his regular trunks again, which helps make him seem more focused as a singles guy than a former MCMG member. Bully was awesome here trapping Sabin in the corner and saying he'd take his knees out and call his shot and still win. Sabin manned up and said he'd beat him. Great stuff so far.

They started with a wishbone tease, and Bully got kicked away. Tenay said he wasn't betting on Sabin. They had a sick chest slap off. Sabin's chest is already fucked up after like three shots. Aces came out, then the Mafia came out. Well, so much for this being about the world title match. Sabin was thrown from the ramp to mid-ring by Bully. Then Bully talked shit to Rampage. In a strange bit of framing, Angle is on the same side of the ring as ALL OF THE ACES. Bully locked on some sort of legbar on Sabin. He unlaced one of Sabin's boots, then slammed the knee that doesn't have a brace on it into the mat. Bully then ripped off the kneepad, making Sabin's legs look super-skinny. He did the RNR leg roll move, which I never expected to see him bust out. Devon yelled at Bully to fuck him up, which wasn't censored. More with Bully and Rampage. They seem to be setting up Rampage costing Bully the title here. Punch to the knee from Bully.

This isn't a bad match, but feels a bit too slow-paced. It still feels like a big deal though, and the super-hot crowd is helping a lot. Sick overhead chop to a downed Sabin. Irish whip attempt from Bully, but Sabin's knee gave way. Sabin went up top like Savage would with a knee injury, but got crotched and superplexed. Bully talked more shit to Rampage. Things are getting more exciting as things are clearly coming to an end fairly soon. Bully Bomb countered into an enzuiguri. Missile dropkick sends Bully into the ref. Five million guys came in and brawled with the ref apparently declared dead or deaf due to him not coming aroudn at all here. Rampage seemed to slip throwing a punch on the ramp. Hammer came into play. Powerbomb was countered with the hammer. SABIN WINS THE TITLE! It's a shame it wasn't in a better match, but at least it wasn't just due to the work of others.

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