Tuesday, May 3, 2016

TNA Impact Wrestling 5-3-16

Bobby says it's time to FIGHT DREW. Drew is in the gym and gets beaten up - giving us a rare fight in TNA with some lighting. That was great, and then they brawled inside an MMA cage briefly before the only people on Earth who own 2016 Impact Wrestling shirts broke it up. EC3's streak ending is recapped. EC3 has a shiny gold jacket straight off a 1986 jobber. Mike takes a billion years to say he wants to be World champion. Jeff Hardy comes out and Josh talks about how the leap is still trending. They bitch back and forth and we get Jeff vs. Bennett. They do some stuff for a bit before Lashley comes out and jumps Jeff and spears him, then spears Bennett.

Dixie comes out and says the fans want to see a HUGE MAIN EVENT tonight. Jeff vs. Bennett vs. Lashley faces Drew next, Decay celebration. They got the gold and got rid of Beer Money. It's an era of change, and transformation. She poison mists Steve and has Abyss remove his mask. He does and gets misted too. He's either in pain or a great deal of joy. They come out looking all creepy. Steve was apparently the man without a voice and now has a voice. Abyss now has God-awful looking paint, and we're just supposed to be forget that he ever had a period without a mask. LOLed at "I'M BEAUTIFUL" getting a "yes you are" chant. Storm says he drinks beer on every day that ends in day, and he's the cowboy James mother f'n Storm! James mother f'n Storm wants to whip Abyss's ass. They have a nothing match and Abyss wins after blue mist to the face and a Black Hole Slam.

Backstage, Maria tells Jade that she'll learn what it means to oppose her. Maria yells at Jade to come down, and has new dubstep music. Big "Jade" chant leads to Maria saying "they love you cuz of me!" Jade is now a face apparently, and stands up to Maria calling her a bitch. Maria's "well you got QUITE A LITTLE MOUTH ON YA" rules. Maria makes a match for Jade, with Allysin Kay now known as Sienna - who has a generic theme, tron, and gets a "YOU'LL FACE KANE" kind of intro like we should know who this is. It's a "fight" - so they just do moves with no ref. Backdrop on the floor for Jade. Vader's reverse powerbomb into a giant swing into the steps for Jade. Ouch. Don't take that bump in TNA! Sienna hits a Canadian backbreaker into a cutter. Bram says he's been called many things - and rattles off 5 billion nicknames. He says he was also called a follower, and he isn't one - but he is A CHAMPION. He's the same Bram - as crazy as ever, and he'll defend it in a come one, come all match.

JB in a super-dark, and very blue room talks about EC3 losing last week. JB will interview him next. BUT THERE'S NO EC3, so Mike comes in and says he can beat anyone. Riveting. KOTM match is up. Josh's "YOU KNOW THE RULES AS WELL AS I DO!" amused me. Eddie, Jessie, Eli, Everett, Trevor Lee, and of course, BRAM. THE HELMS SQUAD wants the gold. Helms tosses Eddie off the rope and gets pinned by Eli. Everett taps to the Adonis Lock. Eli hits Jessie with the case to knock him out and climb up. Bram dropkicks the ladder and Eli falls. Bram wins. Joy. Eli attacks him and cashes in the case. Or not, since Bram got up. Drew is interviewed about being a ref tonight, and he says THE CHAMP'S IN THE MAIN SLOT AND I'M NOT EVEN WRESTLING!

Hardy vs. Hardy giant leap recap. Homeless-looking Matt Hardy is backstage and says that his doctors said he can't wrestle now due to his spinal issues. YES. OUR SECOND MIKE BENNETT MATCH OF THE NIGHT! EC3 comes out and says his miracle's complete - he pinned EC3. Every single possible person in this gets an intro to fill time. Drew is humorously in an original Impact Wrestling logo ref sleeveless shirt...and shorts. Boy are his legs skinny. Jeff is also in his second paint and outfit of the night. Nothing going on here until Jeff hits a double lariat and Bennett takes a scary bump to the floor off a backdrop. NO ONE TAKE CRAZY BUMPS IN TNA. THERE IS NO WAY ON EARTH IT IS WORTH IT. 

Bennett sidesteps a spear, which takes out Drew. Ref bump, but at least the wrestler-ref took a move that would logically knock him out of a regular match for a bit too. Twisto>swanton, but there's no ref. Jeff drives Mike onto the steps  and then swantons onto him. Well, at least he didn't do it on the steel this time. Sliced his elbow up a bit. Decay runs in and Abyss chokeslams Jeff off the steps. It's 2016 and Crazzy Steve is now seemingly a main event act. Crazy move where Lashley spears Jeff off the steps into the post -  it was a blink and you miss it moment, so luckily, they replayed it. Pope calls Lashley both a crouching tiger and a hidden dragon. FUCK YOU POPE! Lashley wins. Lashley and Drew argue a bit. Lashley wants his arm raised, and Drew does it. They brawl and Drew boots him down and punches him. They roll around like an ECW catfight for a bit and that's it. Riveting.


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