Sunday, May 22, 2016

WWE Extreme Rules 2016

Usual stuff on the pre-show, with Tom saying Jericho-Dean is THE MOST EXTREME RIVALRY WE'LL SEE TONIGHT. It's a feud over a potted plant and a Lite Brite jacket. Amusing bit where Booker gives Jericho the nod because he did "that Japan thing", while Corey talked about Dean doing crazy things before WWE. Charlotte-Nattie recap. Dudleys are out to cut a promo and get an ECDUB chant, so Bubba plays to that right in the middle of D-Von's promo. D-Von plugs the network gloriously, while Bully tells the fans to shut up, stop being sheep and listen - because they killed ECW because it died after they left. D-Von says they're not on the show because they're above Extreme in 2016. Big Cass - LOOK AT HOW BIG HE IS. ISN'T HE BIG! Cass says they don't get the tables now because they ate everything on it - pizza, HOW YOU DOIN!? Cass acts as Vince and says that they'll do extreme better now, and do it in front of millions instead of a small crowd in a ballroom or bingo hall. Cass gets jumped by both men. East River Crossing to D-Von. Well, that accomplished very little.

Miz and Maryse cut a promo on the IC Title match tonight. Maryse is now a director and Miz recites a moment from some 2004 Russell Crowe movie with dramatic music playing. "If I fought Owens, Zayn, or Cesaro 10 times - I'd probably lose 9 of 'em. BUT I WAS BORN TO BE A WWE SUPERSTAR. SCREW 'EM!" Glorious. AND THEN WE GET A TAKE 2. Glorious! Booker marks out over this and compares it to...Ace Ventura!? Okay then.

Rusev and Lana interview. "YOU MIGHT AS WELL CALL ME THE UNITED STATES CHAMPION. I ALREADY CALLED MY MOM!" "Why is this called Ask Rusev and not called Ask Rusev and Lana? Is this your idioticness?" "Rusev LOVES TO MAKE MONEY!" and drops his accent constantly, and it's great. "I LOVE THE LAZY AMERICANS, IT'S THE LAND OF OPPORTUNITY AND I'M WILLING TO WORK!" Miz and Rusev would've legit sold more network buys if they'd done this on Raw instead of here. Baron's here to face Dolph in new, awful white and pink gear. Deep Six gets 2. End of Days ends it.

Usos are out to face The Club to start. Lots of fast action in the aisle way while the Usos get booed. JBL's WHETHER YA LOVE HIM OR HATE HIM, YOU'RE PASSIONATE ABOUT HIM AND THAT TELLS ME WE'VE GOT A MEGASTAR! amuses me greatly. JBL calls the Club Bad Dudes. They're Bad Dudes, but are they bad enough dudes to rescue the Phenomenal One? Magic Killer ends it.

Rusev gets his legs kicked by Kalisto, but swats him away during the corkscrew shoulder thingy. A CM Punk chant breaks out during a long bearhug. Torture rack by Rusev is turned into a sleeper by Kalisto. JBL says YA CAN'T TEACH SIZE! Facefirst rana onto Rusev gets 2. Springboard frog splash gets 2. Kalisto goes up, but gets slammed off ONTO THE APRON. They tease that the match will be stopped via...DQ!? What!? It would be a ref stoppage and that should be the same as a submission - Rusev grabs him, locks on a super-sick Accolade and wins!
New Day's out to face the Vaudevillains. New Day promo with Woods talking about DMs and getting to shooting his shot. E says that since they're in the garden state, they gonna put some hoes in the ground!Vaudevillains now have two wacky jackets. Still zero crowd reaction. Aiden uses that DDT/facebuster thing Seth used as a finish for one show and gets 2! Whirling Dervish gets 2! Kofi hits the kick and a shining wizard gives Woods the win. Okay then.

Owens comes out and we're told he is the only guy since Taker to wrestle at every PPV in his first year and JBL says actually, Taker didn't wrestle at Summerslam '91. Cesaro comes out and does pushups during Miz's amazing intro. HELLUVA KICK TAKES OUT OWENS! Lots of fast action here. Finale hits Cesaro for 2. Big Swing to Miz leads to the sharpshooter and Miz taps, but the ref is distracted by Maryse. Great spot where Cesaro goes for the swing, but Owens frog splashes Miz. Cesaro hits the Neutralizer to Owens, but Sami prevents a 3 count! Crowd chants fight forever after another big nearfall off the finale! Sami kicks Cesaro, but Owens pulls Sami out! Miz runs in and wins it! Best match of the show easily.

Jericho is out in black jeans, kneepads, and giant boots. Looks horrible in a great way. Dean is in his usual stuff. Mop to the ear of Jericho and then MOP TO THE FACE. Back superplex takes both guys out while JBL acts like it's a finish now - it was a pre-finish move 23 years ago with Razor for goodness sake. Dean grabs nunchucks while Jericho has the barb wire 2x4 and attacks Jericho with them. Flying cane to the back of Ambrose off the top. Jericho gets a strap and JBL references Savio Vega a TON. Dean eats some shots and then dishes some out. More plodding stuff with the straightjacket. Triangle dropkick against the cage hits Dean.

Crowd chants WE WANT VIOLENCE here in this Asylum match. Cue Byron talking about the potted plant COULD get involved. Flying lunatic elbow to Jericho. It gets 2 here in this mid-card B-show PPV match. Dean grabs a bright orange bucket which has a black bag in it and tons of tacks. They tease a TON of stuff, which I like - they don't just do it immediately. Walls of Jericho is locked on, but cane shots end that. Fire extinguisher blinds Dean and a Codebreaker gets 2. Dean turns another one into a hard spinebuster and Jericho's arms are all sliced up. Dirty Deeds wins it - DEAN WINS A FEUD! Also, Dean sent himself into the tacks doing his finish. TACKS IN HIS HAND. Goddamn.


Nattie's out and wearing her HERE ARE MY TITS, LOOK AT THEM outfit. Byron talks about Nattie training with Josh Barnett and SAYNA BOZZLER!? Nattie gets some wonky leglock on that Charlotte just...moves forward to get out of. Chops on the floor. Submission matches rely heavily on the story of the match being told, and this commentary team just can't handle that task.Nattie gets the sharpshooter, but "Ric Flair" comes out, and it's Dana obviously dressed as Ric with RIC'S HAIR FROM THE '80S and white hair. Figure 8 ends it. Ugh. Horrible misuse of everyone. Well, Nattie is definitely the person Dana should work with and this finish got them out of making Nattie look weak...I guess. She just looks really stupid, like all other babyfaces. #wwegenderequality. CampWWE ad.

Tons of streaming issues there and during the main event video package. AJ gets tons of cheers, while Roman gets a sea of boos. "STARS ELICIT RESPONSES! WHETHER YA LOVE HIM OR YA HATE HIM, EVERYONE RESPONDS TO ROMAN REIGNS!" Big jumping knee to AJ gives Roman an edge. AJ avoids a chair on the floor and Roman rocks his hands in the process. They fight to the floor and AJ hits the forearm off the barricade into the crowd. Styles Clash on the bare floor is teased, but Roman backdrops him. Clash on the German table is countered, so AJ goes for a forearm off the barricade and eats a backdrop through the English table. Ouch!

It gets 2. Splash Mountain gets 2 for Roman! AJ clips the knee. JBL says "If you can't continue, it's like a knockout - THE TITLE CHANGES HANDS!" - why would that apply now instead of an hour ago during Rusev-Kalisto? Roman hits the Joe-style swing into the LED board on the apron and then gets POWERBOMBED THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE! Jesus. AJ is going to shorten his career for Roman, but damned if he doesn't take the best announce table bumps ever. AJ goes for the forearm, but Roman Superman punches him and he falls off the top awkwardly to the floor. Would've been better with a table bump there. ROMAN SPEARS HIM!

Club comes out and the Boot of Doom hits for 2.5! Superkick party from the Usos gets 2. Club goons eat the Superman punch. Boot counter to the Spear, but the Clash gets 2! AJ really needs to face Roman in a 2/3 falls match or something - anything to keep this feud going. AJ hits a chair off a backdrop. SUPERMAN PUNCH BUT THE PELE HITS! CLASH ON THE CHAIR, BUT THE USOS PULL THE LEG AND IT GETS 2.5! AJ is like fuck this and just chairshots Roman's back to death. CHAIRS TO THE USOS! YES! THIS RULES! PHENOMENAL FOREARM IS COUNTERED INTO A SPEAR FOR THE WIN! This ruled. SETH RETURNS IN NEW GREY AND BLACK GEAR AND PEDIGREES ROMAN! He's got a new anti-Christ-style SR logo.


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