Monday, May 9, 2016

WWE Raw 5-9-16

Recap of the first Raw of THE NEW ERA recapping Roman Reigns's dominance. THREE MINUTES LATER, it's over. Jesus. Cole's first line is how it's a new era - The Family vs. The Club tonight. Jericho comes out and Cole rambles about how Steph took the Asylum away and put the Highlight Reel "in its timeslot". WHAT!? Also, the plant was named Mitch and was apparently a huge thing. Jericho rambles more before BIG CASS COMES OUT!? Well, Jericho's a good guy to put him with. Having Big Cass doing Enzo's lines doesn't work all that well, since 'zo is all about delivery. THE NEW ERA is all about standing and fighting, apparently - here in this LONG TALKING SEGMENT. Cass boots him to the floor immediately. In any other actual era, this might have made a star in one night. Dolph vs. Baron is up next.

SHANE MCMAHON TELL-ALL PODCAST in 2 weeks. If I review this and do a drinking game, guarantee I'm drunk off of "new era" in five minutes. Jericho meets with Steph and talks about stopping these dark NEW ERA guys who have no respect. Stephanie is now a big fan of the New is she a babyface now or what? She makes Jericho-Cass as tonight's main event and does the SAWFT bit before stealing Jericho's agayne catchphrase. BALLS CUT OFF.

Dolph and Baron have a better overall match than the PPV. They do their basic stuff before a break. Nice rabbit lariat by Baron. Famouser gets 2.  Deep Six gets 2. Dolph hits a stinger splash, but Baron absorbs it and hits the wacky flatliner to win.WWE blows themselves over having a 90% satisfaction rate on the Network. Shane's on the phone and gets a knock at the door. "come in!" - Shane's curtained area/office has a door!? Flair looks like he's been hit with the Nicholson Joker's Joker Gas. Jesus is his smile terrifying. Bullet Club in "my guest at this time" promos really makes them seem like just another group. And boy is this formula not helpful to any of them. "The Club" too sweets each other and that's it.

Tyler and Truth vs. Goldust and Fandango. A main event in any Impact Zone across the country. Goldango is among the silliest combo names yet. Truth beats Dango. Everyone in the IC mix bitches and moans to the McMahon children. Steph slicing more balls off here - especially Owens. Charlotte and Paige have their usual match. Paige hits a nasty superplex. Flair comes down and Shane ejects him. Paige wins via fluke. NEW ERA. Sami's out to face Miz. Sloppy moonsault off the barricade by Zayn. Cesaro eats a backdrop to the floor, while Cesaro holds a coffee backstage and pretends to watch TV in shades. Miz dominates, which works since Sami is such a damn great babyface. Sami wins with the boot. Jojo welcomes Becky, and we get a recap of the THUMB TO THE BAD EYE and losing to Emma. Becky with really dark roots is quite a good look for her. Dana jumps her - so yes, DANA BROOKE makes the main roster before Samoa Joe, Balor, and Nakamura.

Darren Young and Bob Backlund vignette. UpUpDownDown sketch. Austin Creed is now another on-air name, and this is just a Pizza Hut ad. Ryder talks to Shane about ALMOST WINNING the battle royal. Shane says he epitomizes the new era. Looks like we're getting Kevin-Ryder tonight. And the winner gets in the IC Title 4-way. Roman chats in his locker room and gets booed wildly. Lucha Dragons come out for a match that will surely be cut from Hulu.

Rusev-Kalisto brawl from SD is shown. RUSEV RUN. RUSEV HOP. RUSEV BELT SAY BRUTE. Rusev rules. Rusev gets to kill Sin Cara too! WHY IS SIN CARA GETTING OFFENSE ON RUSEV!?  Dive to the floor by Sin Cara and then THANKS TO CHEATING BY KALISTO, Sin Cara beats him with a rollup. Fucking hell. They get the easiest route in the world to getting Rusev over again and decide "fuck that, let's make it REALLY HARD!" Family vs. Club is next in an elimination 6-man tag.
 Puerto Rico is still amazing. The Colons are getting paid to shoot tourism videos for their home country and not wrestle. Good work if you can get it. They debut, re-debut, whatever next week. The Club is out, followed by The Family.THE DREADED SCHOOLBOY claims another victim as Jimmy loses to Karl. Anderson loses to a small package by Jey. Jey's gone. Now Luke. AJ runs wild on Roman with mounted punches. Now this match is cooking. They brawl on the floor and Karl hits Roman with a chair - but AJ doesn't see it. Then a bigger brawl breaks out. Roman beats up AJ's friends, and AJ defends them. AJ goes to clash him on the chair, but Roman backdrops him over the top. Roman taunts him with the chair, but AJ kicks it back at him. Roman holds the gold high. This is getting both Roman and AJ over as main event-level acts - excellent.

Awesome Finn Balor-Joe video could literally hype up a big Raw match and work well to draw money..and it's just for his NXT return on Wednesday. Owens is out to face Ryder. Reasonable chance this DOESN'T end via schoolboy. Zack avoids an apron powerbomb and hits a missile dropkick for 2. Jackknife cradle gets 2 for Zack. Ryder avoids the cannonball about an hour before Owens starts it. Flying elbow gets 2. Alley oop into the ropes leads to a superkick and short-arm pop-up powerbomb. I like that - it makes the move seem way more organic.

Facebook video for New Day. They will win at Extreme Rules using the power of the extreme Booty O. Tag title feuds now involve giant fake Cheerios. Wrestling in 2016 is weird. They face the Dudleys and it goes to a DQ due to the Vaudevillains. Cass-Jericho is up, but Dean jumps Jericho in his Lite-Brite jacket. Dean rips it up. Dean cuts up the jacket more, and Cass beats up Jericho. All of this is due to Jericho beating up Mitch the Plant. THIS IS THE RAW MAIN EVENT. Dean Ambrose's anguish over losing Mitch the Plant isn't bad fanfiction - it's Raw's main event. Stephanie and Shane banter a bit - she's now super-fake nice, and closes the show looking at the Shane/Vince photo. I don't know what this show, but good was rarely it.

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