Monday, May 2, 2016

WWE Raw 5-2-16

The show-opening video focused on MCMAHONAMANIA, of course. The nine billion hour promo was reduced to one sentence! Tons and tons of TALKING about how there's a new era - nothing actually showing it. Same old intro for THIS NEW ERA. New era begins with a Steph promo! Steph is "one-half of the power of Monday Night Raw" - as organic a phrase as has ever been uttered by man. Shane shimmies on down. Michael Hayes is begging Shane to gain some self-awareness here. Jesus. They yammer on for-fucking-ever. So if you didn't get enough of the McMahons on the PPV, here's a Raw devoted to them.

Steph has a gift for Shane - it's the photo of Shane and Vince that Vince stepped on. Shane asks Steph what her plans are for Raw - here TEN MINUTES INTO THE SHOW. Shane begins to talk before Owens thankfully interrupts. He wants his IC Title shot since he never got one, but Cesaro interrupts, so Shane makes KO vs. Cesaro for a shot.
IC Title match recap in photo form after they talked about it - shouldn't that be in reverse order? "Uppercut train already!" - so I guess Steph and Shane went over time and those wrestler guys have to suffer a bit for it. Barricade somersault senton by Cesaro! Barricade uppercut leads to him going in the crowd and getting a nice reaction. Cesaro uppercuts Miz and Miz attacks, so it's a DQ. They jump him, so Sami saves him. Corner exploder to Miz and the Helluva kick to Owens. Sami holds up the title to a huge ovation - he really could be the second coming of Daniel Bryan at a main event-level. Steph and Dean chat for a bit and Dean will have Steph on the Asylum, at Steph's request. WHAT!?

Truth and Tyler are backstage - Truth has his phone duct taped to a stick and we get more "comedy". Goldust comes in and mocks the Gorgeous Truth. Goldust and Fandango boogie around a bit. Anyway, these guys wrestle later. AJ and the GoodBrothers chat for a bit. AJ says he lost, and his buddies tell him he came THIS CLOSE. Roman and the Usos come in - we've got a six-man tag later. Okay then. Goldust is out with Fandango as his second - so it's not a tag match. Oh great - they're BUILDING to that, as Goldust faces Tyler here at 8:44.


Good to see them get some use out of Vince's checkerboard suits for Tyler's new tights. Truth's high school freshman attempt at a mustache is the funniest part of this storyline tonight. Tyler won somehow. Good for him. New Day walks back stage into Rob the painter, who gives them...a sign. Great use of his skills, and then they get some random guy twerking on command. Raw is a very gay-friendly show tonight between this and the Goldust/Truth angle. Best news of the night - BOGO on shirts on WWEShop!

Enzo recap. New Day promo. No Beyonce sliding into Xavier's DMs. They show 'zo out of the hospital and a huge "how you doin!" chant breaks out. Vaudevillains say that 'zo is the realest guy in the emergency room. Vaudevillains should use a butter churn as their weapon of choice. Dudleys come out. "What are you two carnies talking about?" Okay, I change my vote for weapon of choice - the Vaudevillains should use GLOBAL FORCE GOLD as their weapon of choice. Cass comes out and says he'll have to finish what they started last night. Everyone brawls for an ad break.

AND WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT, a giant tag match with everyone in the prior segment erupts after the break. #newera Everyone does stuff for a while. Big E swivels his hips a bunch, and we go to a break. Stuff is done for a while. Big Cass runs wild and kicks Gotch into E's arms for an overhead belly to belly on the floor. Bully attacks. Wow is Bully ever really fat again. Wacky swingamajig move wins for Cass as he pins Devon. US Title number 1 contender's battle royal is announced for later. Riveting. LOLed at both Crews and Titus each having giant wacky smiles.

Charlotte-Nattie recap. LIL NAITCH HIGHLIGHT REEL! Easily the best part of the show so far. Becky's out to face Emma. Why the fuck is Becky dressed up looking like a member of the Machine Empire from Power Rangers? Emma wearing fuck me boots is a win. Becky hits a diving something off the apron before either doing her ramp headbob or having a seizure. They do holds while the crowd dies. Emma sandwich gets 2. Becky...roars and has a seizure to show anger. Exploder gets 2. Eye pokes her eye. Michinoku driver gets its first win this decade!

Puerto Rico board of tourism video with the Colons. Ambrose Asylum. Steph cuts his balls off and kills the show. First Davey Richards and his dog and now Steph - lots of ball-cutting going on today. Highlight Reel is back. Jericho going with even skinnier jeans is glorious. They brawl, Dean gets his ass kicked, and Jericho destroys the plant by smashing it on Dean's head. Time for the abandon ship battle royal. Excellent I'M A MEXICAN gear on Sin Cara. JBL gets mocked by Kalisto for losing to Rey eons ago. Baron beats up Dolph and Rusev tosses him out. Sheamus Germans Titus over the top. Ryder gets beaten up a ton. THE LADS are the final guys with Ryder. Ryder fluke eliminates the goofs, but fights Rusev to end it. Rusev tosses him out - YAY, RUSEV GETS TO WIN THE US TITLE AGAIN! Rusev gets to be a 2-time US champ - but now with far less momentum, a worse angle, no longer being a fake Russian, and no heat. And it's still better than Kalisto!

Highlight Reel will have Sami on it on SD. Charlotte promo. Robinson comes out and botches a bit responding to Charlotte's "your relationship played no part, right?" "Yes...I MEAN NO, NO NO ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Poor guy. Flair bowing up to NATTIE is amazing! Sharpshooter to Ric! Nattie steals his ring and watch. That watch and ring probably belong to someone legally - but I doubt it's Ric. Camp WWE plug with tons of disclaimers and parental control warning notices. Steph talks to the Flairs backstage, and says there's only way for them to show that the figure 8 is better than the sharpshooter - a submission match at ER.

Not the Bullet Club comes out. AJ WILL BE ON SPORTSCENTER! LOL @ the Worst Champions list in the front row and the Usos using more Bullet Club gestures than the ex-BC guys.

Guys do moves for a while. Boot of Doom double team on Reigns over the barricade. AJ pins an Uso. Karl and Luke grab a chair and tell AJ to hit him. The all-black and white geared-guys could team up, but AJ won't hit him - but the Usos hit AJ with it. AJ beats them with it, which is kinda fair since they hit him first, and then Roman sees that and he's pissed. Superman punch to huge boos.

Screens -

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