Tuesday, May 31, 2016

TNA Impact Wrestling 5-31-16

Dixie talks to an unseen man in a suit about giving him complete control tonight despite the objections of Billy Corgan. This is what TNA has come to. The guy has to be EC3 since no one else in the company wears a suit. Recap of the Matt-Jeff feud, and then the EC3-Bennett feud. Bennett comes out in jeans and his shiny gold jacket while Josh talks about THE PERSON IN CONTROL. Bennett says he gave Dixie her phone number, e-mail, Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, and AIM name and got no response from her - so he knows he isn't in charge. EC3 comes out while Josh says that DIXIE JUST TWEETED THAT EC3 IS RUNNING THE SHOW. EC3 speeds through his promo at a rapid fire pace and says he'll face Bennett tonight and he'll even give Bennett the night off tonight.

 Bennett says that ratings go through the roof and TNA ad rates go sky high with him.
MIKE BENNETT talking about causing ratings to skyrocket and TNA's ad rates to soar. Hilarious. EC3 tells him that he gave him the night off of wrestling - but not off work. He's making him the janitor tonight and have him clean up after Taco Tuesdays. EC3 says that Maria will have a job evaluation tonight. Bennett kicks the bucket and then Lashley comes down. His tron looks outstanding - such a shame TNA's lighting is shot to hell right now because it would look great with proper lighting. EC3 announces pick your poison for Lashley and Drew tonight. What, no beat the clock challenge?

EC3 and Mike go to the bathroom and EC3 talks about how bad the toilets are. Mike is cleaning toilets in his shiny gold shoes and jacket. Drew picks Bram to fight Lashley, would is fighting because Drew picked up the tab. "Lashley vs. Bram could headline any pay-per-view!" Pope is full of shit even for a wrestler.

Fun match though - lots of physical strikes, tons of punches, and Lashley should not be taking wild out of control bumps over the top to the floor here. Lashley gets DQed for using a chair - well hell, why not? The match is just a setup anyway - so he's not going to do more than he has to. Spear to Bram. Another one. Bram has almost as many nicknames as he has years left on his TNA contract. Drew runs down with a chair of his own and chases him out.


Eli cashes in his case, but only gets 2. Eli hits him with knees and shoulders to the gut, hits a high knee and a shortarm lariat to win the title. "THIS IS WHY YOU PUT YOUR CAREER ON THE LINE IN FEAST OR FIRED!" BroMans are poolside talking about "trusting the process". Raquel comes up looking hot and we get porno music and horrible filters over her walking around in a tiny bikini - covering up all the skin she's showing. So why do it then? Bennett cleans the bathroom in record time. Earl comes out of the bathroom...and wasn't he in the last match too? EC3 puts Earl in charge of Mike's next job - referee. Overhead shots of the Hardy Estate.

Eli recap and he celebrates with some champagne and knocks some out of the hands of the staff. We go to Stately Hardy Manor - which really needs some landscaping work. Corgan's stupid Impact theme plays us in to Bennett being a ref, then Spud comes out to what sounds like a Corgan song too for a tag match with Tyrus. EC3 says that the winners of this will go on to the PPV for a tag title shot, and they'll face the BroMans. Raquel distracts Tyrus, while Jessie presses Spud onto him, then they hit the Hart Attack and the Adonis Crab ends it. Maria bitches to Billy Corgan about EC3 being a bully. Maria is in a new cleavage-revealing dress. Maria wants Gail suspended. NONE OF THIS ACCOMPLISHES ANYTHING.


Maria and her goons come to the ring. EC3 tells Girl A and Girl B to depart. EC3 cuts a funny promo about them singing the goodbye song, and then the fans chant it again for the girls. Josh talks about things being a bit like Bone Thugs now because Gail's at a crossroads. EC3 puts Maria's future in Gail's hands - and she wants a match with her at Slammiversary. EC3 makes it and reminds Maria that her job is being evaluated and he runs the show tonight. Maria says she'll cement her place in the hall of fame by kicking Gail's ass. EC3 buries Maria's entourage, and makes the goons against Gail and Jade.

Allie whines and EC3 makes Maria sit next to him to prevent interference. Allie is so perfect working as a manager in the ring for the first time ever. Sienna comes in and dominates. Pope talks about Gail countering Allie's finisher - the slap. Jade comes in and Germans Sienna for 2. Wheelbarrow splash for the faces, but Sienna knocks Gail's face into the mat when Jade's using her as a pendulum. Allie gets tagged in and chokes away. Allie gets 2, and boy is her short skirt nice. Gail hits a backstabber to Sienna and Jade comes in for a strike combo for 2. Pope relates a missile dropkick to arts and crafts, because of course he does. Allie tags in and begs for reason - but then eats a beating. Sienna takes Eat Defeat and the package piledriver beats Allie.

Jeff arrives at the Hardy Estate and sees Reby. She says she's done with the lot of them. Jeff comes in and Matt plays piano for Brother Nero. Matt tells him they must go to where there genesis began and...we go back to the ring with more EC3/Bennett stuff. Jesus. Mike bitches and EC3 says okay, you'll wrestle - and he may not be sober. Storm's out to his "Longnecks and Rednecks" theme. Storm stalks Maria on the boozer cruiser. They have a nothing match and Storm is back to working in a shirt. Josh talks about Bennett just talking hype like Conor fighting Floyd in a boxing fight. Bennett wins thanks to a beer bottle shot. EC3 lets this stand for some reason. EC3 cuts a promo on Bennett so Storm can superkick Bennett. Wow what a drop for Storm - poor guy.

Hype video for The Tribunal - the French Stallion and Marcus Louis. Al Snow promo gets a "boring" chant and he says he agrees - wrestling is boring now. Al says his school is in England because he can't find quality athletes in America anymore. The Tribunal come out for Al Snow, and they're now Basil Baraka and Baron Dax. Love Pope calling them French stallions. BARON DAX cuts a promo first and not the French Stallion. BOO! Baraka says that they're the judge, jury, and executioner - well that explains the Judge in Dax's Twitter handle. Al, in glasses and with earrings, says they don't need gimmicks - ALL HE NEEDED WAS ONE WRESTLING MOVE to beat Grado.

Grado comes out and says he's a liar. I understood that at least. Grado says that he uses weapons, but he's honest. He asks Shera if that's the case and he says he doesn't understand, but 100% yes sir. Grado shows the whole clip and not just the Snow Plow. Snow says YOU'RE A LIAR - ANY KID CAN USE THOSE FANCY APPS TO EDIT THE FOOTAGE. I love this. Then we get an even better bit, where Al talks about their parents and Grado says he loves his mama, and Shera says YEAH I LOVE MY PARENTS and Al says their mother loves him. Ad for the NKOTM show. "This is our fourth New Kids on the Block cruise." should be a moment of life-altering soul-searching. 

We get a sitdown interview with Pepper Parks - now known as Braxton Sutter. He says that he always had doors shut in his face, but now, his journey was worth it. Also, TNA can save on trans because his wife is in the company as Allie and they can avoid spending money needlessly. They rundown Slammiversary and try to attach Asuka's empress name to Gail. Back to Hardy Manor where we go to Matt's giant red barn, where Matt has their first ring setup. Good god - just do all this in one long segment.

Drew comes out to face Bobby's hand-picked opponent. Lashley brings out Decay, because that's who the badass MMA fighter would logically be attached to. This is such a nothing match. It's Drew against all of Decay, and who could care? Rosemary brings out Janice and Lashley runs in and accidentally spears Abyss. Sick kick and the future shock beat Steve. We get a recap of tonight's Hardy drama - because we need more filler. Matt rolls to the floor and they go to a nearby table. Reby teases tossing Maxel at Jeff, so Matt cheapshots him and lands a Side Effect off the apron onto the legit hard table that just has the top piece snap off. Mother of fuck that Side Effect to the table had to hurt like hell. And we get a wacky slow-mo effect and the show ends...this should've been the go-home show for the PPV.

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