Monday, May 16, 2016

WWE Raw 5-16-16

Generic intro starts things off. Usos face Gallows and Anderson tonight, and AJ comes out. AJ says he has to set the record straight because he's tired of being called a liar. He's heard it at airports, restaurants, and on social media. We get lots of Tweets with a few mentioning NJPW, and a Bullet Club chant breaks out. AJ talks about his journey before Big Dog interrupts. Rude asshole. Roman gets tons of boos and JBL talks about WHAT AN OVATION. There's no ovation - just boos. Roman yammers on about kicking his ass in a fight. Sucker punch by Roman to AJ, and every faction faces off. Great job building up The Club vs. The Family at the PPV...oh wait, that was on last week's Raw. Nattie-Charlotte contract signing is up, and Sami vs. Cesaro next.

Mr. and Mrs. Miz are out on commentary. Recap of Owens beating Cesaro on SD. BOY HAS CESARO'S RETURN GONE GREAT. Fun stuff with Cesaro and Zayn here. Zayn sent him to the floor via a headscissor, and did a little pose - so Cesaro did one on the dasher boards. Owens jumps Miz, and I SMELL A HOLLA HOLLA TAG MATCH! Leave it to WWE to take what could be a great match and deliver a less-good one to..fill more TV time. Steph makes Sami team with Owens, while Cesaro will team with Miz. Shane is okay with this because why the fuck not. Everyone does their stuff. Not really amazing here. Win Owens Win. WWE blows themselves over how great the Network is - BUT DON'T TAKE THEIR WORD FOR IT - THEY HAVE A 90% SATISFACTION RATE!

Jericho rants at Renee, wearing a leather jacket like Dean. Shining Stars are next. I hope the Shining Stars via distraction schoolboy when they show off some fine Puerto Rican flowers at ringside and their opponents are too amazed to react to a cradle. Primo and Epico have a song as their theme. Primo is now in trunks, while Epico is in shorts and carries a flower. The ring is their island and they welcome tourists like the jobbers tonight in it. Back suplex, German, and a brainbuster by Epico. Butterfly Codebreaker to Maluke #2. They win with a Total Elimination - called the shining star. "Mr. Kennedy seeing stars!" LOL

Jericho-Dean recap. Jericho says YOU DESTROYED MY PROPERTY and sure, I'm a multi-millionaire - BUT I WANT MY MONEY! And an apology. Dean wants a match at Extreme Rules. Basically a Clockwork Orange House of Fun match - but with straightjackets! Extreme with a match involving mops. MOPS!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? What's next, duct tape!?

Cole welcomes us to Raw Episode 1,199 - TAKE THAT BART SIMPSON. Dana-Becky recap. Becky is out, and Dana came out and cartwheeled. Recap of Dana beating Becky, and Cole credits the win to Emma. Dana's character is "former fitness professional" 2016, what should that elicit from someone? Should I be impressed? Becky runs and Dana is in position to catch her for about a billion years. Dana wins again - well, at least someone gets booked to be better than someone in WWE. Shame this logical, forward thinking booking is being used on Dana instead of someone with modern-day main event skills.

Backlund and Darren Young skit. Backlund talks about DY needing to check the time on his watch. DY says NO ONE WEARS WATCHES!? Can't wait for 2035 when they discover smartwatches. Darren was also WEARING A WATCH here. Shane's "Make Darren Young great again - I LIKE IT!" amused me. Steph following it with "You watching with somebody?" The fourth wall had its balls cut off by Steph tonight. Dudleys want "local North Carolina guys". "Some little North Carolina guys..." would sure be a great tease for the Hardys. Steph says "This isn't how things are done in the new era" THIS WAS LITERALLY DONE AN HOUR AGO! Golden Truth history video. Anyway, they're buds now again. Goldust and Truth move really well for middle-aged guys. 
Truth accidentally kicks Goldust and they lose. Great debut. Backstage, they argue, then make up. New Day comes out and there's a giant box mid-ring. They have a time machine, go back to get a box of Derriere Squares, and get beaten up. Riveting. SD recap of the Usos-Club stuff. Super Festus is running wild. Power Uti to un-ban him from Nigeria. An Uso runs wild for revenge. Karl takes a big bump to the floor off a backdrop. Rocket Kick hits for Karl, but a superkick party from the Usos sends everyone down. Usos beat Karl. BOO! AJ should be happy - his team losing tonight greatly increases his chances on Sunday...unless they book a re-re-re-re-rematch on SD. AJ goes to hit Roman with a chair, but Roman chops his throat and hits him with it. Club comes in and then AJ hits him with the chair. Clash on the chair - so that's getting 2 on the PPV. Cass vs. Devon. Cass beats him with the sitout spinning uranage thing in a minute. Wow. One minute match and Devon gets his mouth busted open.

Kalisto? Christ. This show just won't end. He's facing Alberto. Jesus Alberto. Want to toss Kalito into that barricade a little harder!? Rusev jumps Sin Cara, kicks his ass to the ring and a backstabber beats Kalisto. Rusev crushes Kalisto and gets an awesome Accolade. Shane and Steph are in the ring. Flairs come out.

Charlotte is all cocky and shitty to Nattie. She says that she could punch their friends and the fans would love her. THEY HAVE TWO LEGENDS IN THE RING - Ric and her. Ha! Ric woos and gets told to stop. Ric calls Steph the worst businesswoman of all time. Ric takes his jacket off revealing a heck of a gut. Steph breaks the fourth wall and beats up Ric in NC. Charlotte goes for Steph, but Nattie saves her...which is a bit odd since there's this never-ending Harts vs. McMahons thing, and Charlotte taps.


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