Monday, May 23, 2016

WWE Raw 5-23-16

The main event is summed up as just the finishing sequence and Seth return. I should really redo Seth's gear since it's now basically Misawa's but with grey and black instead of green and white - should be easy to do in FPR. It's historic Raw number 1,200 and holy Hell does Seth get a big pop returning. "IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT!?" Seth is going nuts here. It's amazing. LOL at the ROLLENS IS BACK sign. Are they trying to mute the Welcome Back chants? You can see them, but not hear them. Seth soaks in the cheers, then heels on the crowd.

This is just...astonishing. They've got the easiest to book babyface return since Buff Bagwell and just have him as a heel for convenience. HERE COMES THE BOO DOG/Megastar/The Guy. JBL gives Roman all the credit for last night's main event being great. Shane comes down and says it's time for a conversation. YES! After 15 minutes of talking, it's time for a conversation! Jeff Jarrett can honestly talk shit about what Shane is wearing. Jesus. Shane makes Seth vs. Roman at MITB. MITB qualifiers are up tonight, with Sheamus vs. Zayn next.
TMNT ad with Sheamus. Sheamus talks to Renee, who is AWFUL tonight. Sheamus's giant beard is ridiculous. Sheamus bullies him to start and then demolishes his brain with a knee strike sending Sami to the floor for an ad break. Sheamus dominates more, but eats a desperation lariat. Sami lariats him over the top, but his dive is countered, and then HE WINS WITH THE KICK!

Sheamus beats up Apollo backstage. New Day is in the ring with a Booty O and a big cake. It's a birthday cake for Raw's 1,200th episode...that isn't how a birthday cake works! They point out that cake is never safe in wrestling, and they threaten fans and the announcers with it. Social Outcasts beat them up. Yes, really. Glorious victory lap where Heath just falls and the others eat a flip dive from Woods. New Day just squashes them. So this did nothing for anyone. Yup. Men spent time away from their families, spent hours in airports, and wound up just doing...this. They toss Heath into the cake and Byron gets his one funny line of the year asking if it's gluten free.

Miz is out to face Cesaro. Maryse should just wear revealing getup - this revealing-ish, but fully covered up stuff doesn't work. Cesaro interrupts kissing and tells Maryse to talk to the hand on the floor. Cesaro gets 2 off a crossbody. The hurt shoulder prevents a long Swing though. Arm snapper on the ropes leads to Miz going up top, eating an uppercut and a Neutralizer for the win. So LOGICALLY, Cesaro should also now want an IC Title shot, right?

Seth chats to Renee about taking the title back that he never lost. Seth goes for a hug with Steph, and she refuses. Shake the and or GET THE BALLS CUT OFF. CHOOSE NOW SETH! Jericho comes out like a young 60 year old. Jericho's back, arms, and hands are all taped up. Glorious.

Apollo came out and he's totally fine. A suplex is sold like absolute death and an Eddie hilo gets 2 for Crews. Enzuiguri leads to a powerbomb attempt, but Jericho cradles him into a Walls. Apollo hits a billion forearms, and Jericho gets 2 off a cradle. Codebreaker ends it for Chris, and HE WINS!? Darren Young/Backlund skit. Darren takes notes, which offends Bob. Darren says "damn" and this greatly offends him. Holy God are these Bob/Darren skits awful. These two have zero chemistry, and it's not helped by ALL OF THE SKITS BEING VIA SATELLITE. Recap of Baron beating Dolph via ballshot. Dolph buries Baron for being a douche on Breaking Ground. Baron says he didn't grow up wanting to be the best wrestler - HE HANDED OUT BEATINGS, AND IF YOU'RE GOOD, YOU DON'T DO IT FOR FREE. Baron rules, and Dolph whines and bitches a lot. I love that Baron is absolutely the babyface character in this. Baron's character is basically "okay, you're GREAT AT WRESTLING, so if you're so great it, why am I beating you? Also - I've been kicking ass for many years and now I'm paid to do it, so fuck off if you can't beat me."

ENZO RETURNS! He's got a new super-bright red jacket, and he talks about having the gift of gab and the gift of jab. AND IF HE HAD A DIME FOR ALL THE TIMES HE GOT KNOCKED DOWN AND DIDN'T GET BACK UP, HE'D HAVE ZERO DIMES. Enzo is a living, breathing animated GIF.  Bubba faces Cass next. D-Von cheapshots him on the floor after a LONG tie-up sequence. Enzo gets tossed into D-Von by Cass on the floor. Could Enzo please not take crazy out of control bumps near a ringpost and on the floor?Bubba goes up top, gets slammed, and eats a boot before the Empire Elbow gets the win. Ric, Charlotte, and Dana's giant rack are backstage.

Ric, Dana, and Charlotte come out. Dana does the strut and Ric cuts this amazing promo for Charlotte - talking about how life, growing up, and making everything happen in her life. Ric compares Dana to "uncle Arn" and Ric says her name is "Charlotte Flair". Dana says it's an honor to be in the ring with Ric, and how she remembers growing up differently than Ric does. She remembers Thanksgivings and Christmases, and birthdays without him. She shuts down WHAT chants marvelously and says that Mom said that "daddy's always with you" but he wasn't because she had to watch him on TV. She was crying, but now, she gets it - she's the WWE Women's Champion and she's never been more powerful or confident. He was The Man and she is The Woman. Now she has the courage to say that he needs to get out of her ring. She says she's no longer Ric's daughter - he's her dad. "My spotlight shines brighter than YOURS EVER DID!" Well, this is a disaster. Riveting because you can't turn away, but really awkward.  "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" describes this perfectly because they've got an all-time great highlight reel hiding in this trainwreck. And then she wishes death on him. After Dusty's death, and even before that - enough of this. Jesus.


Dolph and Dean have a babyface vs. babyface match because...they're two dudes. No friend vs. friend story here at all, nothing to sink into. Fameasser gets 2. Dirty Deeds ends it. Whatever. Ric walks backstage and gets a brief handshake with Arn. Ric says that there's nothing he'd like to say at this time and leaves. AJ vs. Owens is the main event. AJ cuts a promo on the Usos and the Club for costing him the title match, but he doesn't live in the past. AJ says it's not Japan and things have changed. AJ wants them to be friends, but not be business partners. The Club breaks up, and boy do I not like AJ's odds here against Owens. On SD, Rusev faces Kalisto for the US Title and Miz faces Cesaro - I like it. Logical storytelling playing off of past matches - wonderful! Also, CRICKET WIRELESS SPONSORS CENA'S RETURN AND HE'S POSTING VIDEOS ON HIS RETURNS THANKS TO HIS CRICKET WIRELESS DEVICE.
Owens and AJ are main eventing Raw in 2016...amazing. They have an excellent match, and they're each so much better now than when they last had matches in what, 2007 in PWG? AJ gets a variety of forearms, but a running one off the apron is met with a POWERBOMB ONTO THE STEPS. Jesus. Pop-up powerbomb ends it and Kevin wins clean! Excellent - Kevin was clearly elevated here. Owens celebrates and we don't get anything more with the Club - I dig it. Slow build.

Screenshot gallery -

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