Monday, June 2, 2014

Raw 6-2-14

Main event was a far better video package than a match - unsurprisingly. Cole's "IT'S GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS WERE ARE LIVE IN FRONT OF A RAUCOUS WWE UNIVERSE!" is a terrible line. Evolution started the show, despite losing. HHH's face is a mess. Batista's hairline is a mess. HHH demanded another match, but Batista said no. HE WANTS A ONE-ON-ONE TITLE MATCH! HHH's acting here is both really good and hammy. HHH has a PLAN, but Batista doesn't care - HE WON THE WOYAL WUMBLE! HHH said he can't since Bryan's hurt, BUT HE'D JUST CHOKE ANYWAY! We could wind up with Batista-Sheamus again, which should be a lot of fun. Batista quit and did the royal wave. WAVY DAVY! RVD and Sheamus face Cesaro and Barrett NEXT! They came back from the break and replayed deal with Dave with an odd ON THE APP VO before the app part, which had him quit due to empty promises. Cesaro came out with his chest all puffed out, which was silly.I love RVD's flaming dragon singlet - one of his best ones in a while. Heyman is great on commentary putting over Cesaro as having WON THE FIGHT, which Sheamus clearly didn't want since he won with a hold. Cole brought up the swing costing Cesaro, and Heyman said that AN IRISHMAN DIDN'T WANT TO FIGHT! Heyman should be a permanent commentator...for every single match, for every company in any athletic genre. They buried Bluetista. That was a blast to remake in FPR. A fan yelled "FUCK HIM UP CESARO!". Nice intense lariat from Cesaro. Cesaro nearly ate a kick, but Heyman saved him and they hugged before leaving. I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS FOR YA, BARRETT! Kick hits and set up a splash win for RVD. Looking forward to Barrett-Cesaro. An awesome WWE Shop video aired - this is a shockingly modern ad for WWE!

This Royal Pains ad makes me never want to watch the show ever. Sandow came out as Lance Stephenson, in full b-ball getup. Sandow's legs are fucking skinny. Chris Copeland was in the crowd. Love the guy pointing his girl to the tron to look at a real star. Sandow fucked around a bit. Yes, A SHOT OF A CELEBRITY NEEDS SHAKEY CAME! Show, A REAL BASKETBALL PLAYER came down. Remember when he was a main eventer 6 months ago? HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT MY DISPLAY OF MAD SKILLS! Sandow is amazing. Shame he got KOed though. Show busted the backboard too. This ate time. That segment reminds me of when WWE buried UFC for not having enough content to fill a PPV time slot. A new WWE Network ad aired. Then they hyped up Bray-Cena on Raw in DC in a few weeks.

Kofi came out to face...someone. He's got a wacky handsign now. So he's facing Bo - why even do the big Kane attack IF FUCKING KINGSTON IS OKAY AFTER A DAY!? Bo's wet shirt can't be very comfortable. Bo put over the Pacers, and Lebron, FOR BO-LIEVING! Bo hit a shoulder block and declared DID YOU SEE THAT - I'M WINNINIG! I can't wait for him to do the inspirational person's el-bo. Crowd chanted boring, which JBL said was BO-LIEVE. What a shitty finisher, and his face hit his thigh. Yargh. Kofi shined really brightly in this. Re-recap of Batista quitting. Going through my screens showed that Bo's tights had a bit of a malfunction. Poor guy. Steph talked to Renee about the title - she'll talk about it next.

Steph came out. I hope she reminds BRIANNA that Brie Bella is a registered trademark of WWE. Steph's floral dress is fantastic - nowhere near what Dixie's gaudy tablecloths are. Steph said that IF BRYAN CAN COMPETE, we'll get a stretcher match between Bryan and Kane. Oh boy howdy, a STRETCHER MATCH! But if he can't compete, the MITB match will be for the title...I prefer that option, actually. Steph and Cena giggled a bit. Cena seemed to agree a lot with Steph's points here, even though he was against her being an egomaniac. Then he cut Bryan's promo for him. Okay. BRYAN IS HEALTHY ENOUGH TO SPEAK, why isn't he saying this? Cena said he missed time for surgery, HHH missed time for surgeries, and STEPH WAS OUT OF ACTION FOR SURGERY. She said that put her in action. Glorious. Cena told her to get her resume ready for careerbuilder - ZERO MEANS YOU SUCK! Cena will face THE DEMON KANE right now. Set up with his pyro in the corner.

They started Kane-Cena on the app and put over the stretcher match a lot. I would've preferred THE DREADED CHAIRS MATCH to a stretcher match. Cena's punches suck, and Kane's slow. KANE WAS DQED FOR KICKING TOO MUCH ASS! Kane not struggling at all with the steps is hilarious after Cena struggled with them last night. They did a really fake-looking bit with Cena bonking Kane into the post. Cena chucked the steps at Kane. Fuck this. Kane grabbed a chair and hit the announce table with it...accomplishing nothing. FOR THE FOURTH TIME, BATISTA LEAVING WAS SHOWN. Orton said he's the face of WWE and he'll face Roman later.

The hair match was replayed in stills. Hornswoggle has a fro. COLE REFERENCES WELCOME BACK, KOTTER IN 2014. Jesus Christ. Drew and Heath faced the Matadores. They referenced Chia pets. Hornswoggle danced AND THE BULL STOOD NEXT TO HIM AND TOOK THE WIG OFF. This reveal ruled. Distraction schoolboy won. This filled time. Torito danced with the fro! Torito deserves at least quintuple his current salary - he's amazing! Dolph-Alberto is an MITB qualifier. This reminds me of the graphic with Alberto having an extra, and Mr. Fantastic-sized arm in an MITB case before.

Nikki cut a promo ON THE APP, and was put in a handicap match. Nikki-Foxsana...cue the jokes. Cole buried Obama and compared him to JBL. Nikki hit the worst schoolboy in history. Alicia won.
She hit the sideslam to the floor after slapping Nikki's ass. HASHTAG WINNING. HASHTAG LOSING! Harper and Rowan cut a promo. Harper's beard going over his lips adds a nice bit of sleaze to his look. Harper was fantastic! Brodie Lee is a WWE main eventer in 2014, along with Bryan Danielson, Jon Moxley, and Tyler Black. Crazy. A Rush ad aired. CAN'T YOU JUST SEE SPORTSCENTER TOMORROW!? No.

Zeb cut a promo on the leftover hippies and GLUTEN-FREE MILLENIALS! Cole called JBL old. JBL's an old man...he's only about 10 years older than Rose. They finally nixed the sitar from Rose's theme. Rose spanked him. JBL said it's like watching Randy Couture face Bozo the Clown. Randy's been retired for what, four years now? Cole buried JBL for never knowing anything about NXT talent despite being the GM...which MAKES NO SENSE. The crowd chanted for Rose by singing his theme. Some fans had no lemons and rose bud signs - they looked really good. The FLYING Party Foul won. This gimmick sucks in the ring. Loved the shot of a chick in a Dolph shirt just befuddled. Usos cut a wacky "UCE-O CRAZY" video.

WWE HAS MORE FACEBOOK FANS THAN THE MLB AND NHL COMBINED! Thanks MLB.TV! Rowan started beating up the Uso with taped ribs. Cole buried JBL for Machiavelli quotes. They really should've showed that superplex spot, because I completely forgot about why the ribs would be taped up until Cole brought it up. Rowan looks lost in there. This match is fine, I just find it impossible to care. Harper got the knees up for a Superfly Dive and he did a zombie walk. SUPERKICK GOT 2! Harper was nearly beat there. They teased a schoolboy win, but thankfully that didn't happen and the Wyatts won with a Rowan Side Effect. They hyped up Orton-Roman. The era of Orton as champion feels like it was eons ago. DOLPH FACES ALBERTO DARIO! Thanks King, you just gave him his TNA name.

RVD-Barrett was made for Main Event. RVD's face in his graphic is amazing. A VERY IMPORTANT MATCH gets a jobber intro for the former WWE and World Heavyweight Champion. As usual, JBL and King joked about Dolph killing Jerry with the elbow drops. They're talking about golf. Is Larry Zybisko on-staff now? Vile shot to the air to the left of Dolph's body there. Famouser got 2. Wacky flapjack landing for Dolph led to him avoiding the superkick but eating the armbar and losing. DEL RIO WINS!? "We've been talking a lot over the past few weeks over the plight of the Rhodes Brothers!" - know, mentioned it in passing once in a month. Recap of Cody quitting. He's picked Goldust's partner tonight for the death slot tag team match.

Sin Cara was his partner. Dammit! I was hoping for a BookDust reunion! Sin Cara's neon yellow and black gear looks sharp. JBL said the Rhodes Bros. didn't lose to a bad team - LIKE THE DING DONGS! JBL burying the Ding Dongs and Jim Herd is at least making this entertaining. He also talked about the Hunchbacks, which never made TV. Swanton missed and the Perfect Facebuster won. THE RUSSIAN FEDERATION HONORS RUSEV. Christ almighty. Lana was booed for referencing...facts...about Edward Snowden. THE BULGARIAN SUIT! It's 10:50 and this thing is just starting. Main event's getting about 20 seconds, isn't it? God, Angle coming out right now would be so many buys. So...why would Rusev be getting this award? Do they hate African-Americans or something? Shouldn't this kind of thing be done at around the peak of this gimmick, and not month one after he beat jobbers and one star? This would actually make sense to do after beating Angle, so let's just imagine he beat Angle last night and not Big E. This is so great. Love Cole burying JBL FOR CONSTANTLY SAYING ONE THING ABOUT THIS OVER AND OVER, and for laughing at his material. This got no payoff - they just went to commercial.

This is historic replay #393983 of this segment on the RECORD-BREAKING EPISODE # 1,765 episode of Raw. Ambrose is such a sleazy-looking motherfucker. Love him to death. Great promo from all three guys. I hope these guys never really break up - they're by far the best trios act since the Freebirds. Evolution came out and...HOLY SHIT, SETH HIT THEM WITH A CHAIR! So yeah, Tyler Black is about to team up with HHH... CURB STOMP ON THE CHAIR TO AMBROSE! That annoying fan said WHY WHY!? WHY?! WHY!? Come on guys, you're armed with a hammer and a chair - HIT HIM! Seth did the damage and Randy came in for sloppy seconds. They took Roman's vest off to show the damage to his back. RKO ON THE CHAIR! This was shocking, but sets up some good Seth-Shield Members matches on PPVs before Summerslam.

Screens -

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