Sunday, June 1, 2014

WWE Payback 2014

Bob Backlund was shown in pre-show photos. His refusal to age is admirable. I wonder if he's there for a skit with Sandow since they each have dark blue robes with white towels underneath. Kofi stole the pre-show within seconds of speaking by saying he and Booker look alike and everyone thinks they're the same person. Booker steals it from him by saying TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT OF REMATCHES! Lilian's audio is louder than everyone on the panel. Yikes. Matadores came out with black and red bedazzled gear. They're no longer dressed like Vega or Tito Santana - boo! Cole explained a joke about Torito being A BULL in CHICAGO in great detail. With that tummy, Hornswoggle should be Bo's sidekick next.  The commentators joked about Hornswoggle being a drunk and joking about no one having a luggage cart. I now demand a shoot where someone tells a story about a drunk Hornswoggle being moved around on a luggage cart. HORNYSAULT...misses. Jinder had to fuck his ankle up doing a flip to the floor. Drew did a wacky spot where he dove onto the pile and did Dreamer's pose - glorious! THE BULL DID A TRIANGLE RANA TO HEATH! THIS RULES! RUNNING LIGER BOMB FROM HORNSWOGGLE! This got glorious real quick. "This much head, I DON'T KNOW IF WE HAVE THAT MUCH TIME IN THE KICKOFF SHOW!" JBL rules. JBL knocked them for using WHIPPED CREAM. Yeah, or shaving cream. Horswoggle's facial expressions here are great. I hope Cesaro's got some spare Head Blades for this. I also hope he kept that sponsorship. Cody and Goldust did a promo talking about their match with Rybaxel tonight. They're in the arena WHERE THE BROTHERHOOD WAS BORN...hmm...Booker did a fantastic tease with a Punk chant going on saying he had BREAKING NEWS! Kofi-Bo is later.

An outstanding video package started the show set to the "the whole world's set to a ticking bomb" theme. This made the actual buildup to the PPV seem interesting and not boring as all hell, so WWE's PPV package folks deserve a raise. Sheamus-Cesaro is the opener. I'd have gone with a match that was built up somewhat well...but nothing has been, so what the fuck why not. This should be really good. Heyman came out and tied the crowd's chants for Punk into a plug for hockey, a streak ending their, AND HIS CLIENT BROCK LESNAR CONQUERING THE UNDERTAKER'S STREAK! Cesaro's King of Swing shirt and jacket scream midcarder. This match started off WITH CLUBBERIN. SHOOT TEARDROP SUPLEX by Cesaro. Cole read Wikipedia facts about the U.S. Title. It took Cole nine hundred years to get King's clue about JBL being a former U.S. Champion. Outside-in battering ram is met with an uppercut. Deadlift superplex gets 2. They have just spent the whole match beating each other up - IT'S AMAZING. Three flying knees off the top from Sheamus. Well, falling knees. Pop-up uppercut gets 2.9! This is by far their best match yet. CESARO'S GERMAN GOT 2! Countered into a Neutralizer, BUT THAT'S COUNTERED INTO A SNAP WHITE NOISE FOR 2.9! Sheamus is shining like he hasn't since that Big Show match at HIAC 2012! Sheamus catches Cesaro off the top and hit a spinebuster into a cloverleaf. ALPAMARE WATERSLIDE! THE SWING! Cesaro got dizzy off the swing and Sheamus won with a flash small package! Wow. If you're going to beat Cesaro, that's about as good a way to do it as possible. Love the flash cradle - gives Heyman a reason to have Cesaro ditch the Swing until the face turn. A WWE Network ad hyped up Countdown...why?

Rhodes Bros-Rybaxel is up. Axel's got new-ish gear and is going for a black and red motif. His hopping is quite wacky. Ryback did a splash with the flight path of a sofa - right out of FPR. Ryback's new black longer tights under the red and smoke grey singlet look works. Goldust as Ricky Morton is amazing. CODE RED BY GOLDUST! Cody gets a hot tag and goes on a dropkicking fury! Nasty moonsault onto both guys from Cody. Ryback powerbombed Cody into Goldust leading to a 2 off the Meathook. CrossRhodes gets 2.9 thanks to a save. Disaster Kick led to a Shell Shock and a win for Rybaxel! It's okay if he does a ton of jobs as a face - he'll be turning heel to do a ton of jobs as a heel soon enough. Cody grabbed the mic and told Goldust that Dustin deserved a better partner. IT IS NOW TIME TO RISE FOR LANA'S ASS! Big E's white, red, and blue gear looks solid. It's a bit much. THIS MATCH IS A MATTER OF NATIONAL PRIDE! Really now? Big E hit some nice body shots to start, while Rusev countered with clubs to the back. A WE WANT ZIGGLER chant broke out. Big E hit the spear to the floor spot, which with Rusev, was terrifying. Rusev countered the Ultimate splash with a superkick. This is over-delivering. RUSEV CRUSH TIME! Accolade wins.

A terrible MITB ad aired with talking money. Kofi came out in red and yellow Flash-style gear with an AJ-style hoodie vest. JBL put over Bo's streak of TWO WINS! He's 3-0 - 2 against Sin Cara and 1 against Woods. Bo cut a promo on the hockey match, and the Kane killed Kofi. LOOKIT! LOOKIT! LOOKIT! OHNO A TOMBSTONEPILEDRIVER! Cole is annoying. Bo told him to KEEP BO-IEVING. Fans chanted WE BO-LIEVE. On the pre-show, they mentioned Kofi's TWEETS, which Cole brought up as a possible reason for all this. NOW they get to that!? Hair-mask match was recapped. RVD came out to face BAD NEWS BARRETT! They did stuff for a while. OH GOD ENOUGH WITH JBL SAYING BAD NEWS! Cole referenced the Spice Girls in 2014. Barrett avoids the splash, but RVD counters the elbow with the scissor cradle. WINDS OF CHANGE gets 2. BULL HAMMER misses against the post! OUTSIDE IN TORNADO DDT hits and gets 2. Looked nice too. RVD's bringing as much as he can bring tonight, I'll give him that much. BULL HAMMER hits!

A Bryan-Steph recap airs. Steph's rack looks amazing in this dress. Steph's "If you might one day conceive some...weird bearded babies..." ruled. A Punk chant broke out. "These people want you to quit just like CM Punk did!" "Daniel, you and I both know what needs to be done?" Acting classes? Big pop for Brie quitting! YAY! HER ACTING IS GONE! Brie slapped her, AND YOU MUST TUNE INTO NITRO TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS TO THE TITLE! An amazing Bray-Cena video hyped up their match. Bray got the phone treatment again. Thank God this gimmick came about in the smartphone era - it looks awesome! Usos came out to fend off the Family. Got a huge pop too. Great corner charge from Bray. DANCING SHORTARM LARIAT FROM BRAY was countered into the tackle. They're going through signature spots with misses like the senton and STF now. Cole called Bray's walked A STRANGE CONCOCTION! Isn't that more of a drink? Bray hit some awful strikes to set up an apron DDT that also looked bad. Sister Abigail hits and gets a high count. Ditto the AA. LOL at JBL's THE MOMENT MAY BE UNSTOPPABLE! Bray got up at 7 with the crab walk bit. WHISPER IN THE WIND OFF THE TOP TO THE FLOOR!? HOLY SHIT! They did some stuff with a chair for a while. Two big chairshots to Bray's back - one on the floor, one in the ring. HE'S TRYING TO STOP THE MOVEMENT! They have got to come up with a better term for this deal. Cena got a table. Suplex slam through the table! THE MOVEMENT MAY HAVE JUST WON! Crowd sang the whole world song. Bray bonked him with steps and they got in a Bray-washed mention. Cena hit him with the steps and King worked in a PAYBACK mention.

CENA CHUCKED THE STEPS OVER THE TOP TO THE FLOOR ONTO BRAY! HOLY CRAP! It got 7. Really now? They did a replay of the steps and THEY MISSED AN ABIGAIL TO THE FLOOR! They replayed the spot - Bray caught him in mid-air and nailed the move. Cena got up. Bray's arm got all cut up somehow. Bray backdropped him onto the steps to counter a powerbomb. AA TO THE FLOOR! Family saves Bray and demolishes Cena. No Usos - I sure hope Cena has more than 2 friends. Nope. Usos came out again. Uso dive was countered with a table. WHY WOULD YOU JUMP WHEN A GUY IS HOLDING A TABLE AT YOU!? Assalanche through a table. SUPERPLEX OFF THE TOP FROM HARPER TO AN USO THROUGH TWO TABLES! Great video game spot. Bodycheck through the barricade! A loud HOLY SHIT chant broke out. They got up and brawled in the crowd. Bray, instead of fighting ON A STABLE SURFACE, fights on a thin box. AA off the box through another box, and he trapped him with another box. This was... a wacky finish. To quote the black cop on the Simpsons "damn boxes!" HE CAN FINALLY SMILE! He trapped a guy under a box! MITB ad again. THIS FUCKING AD AGAIN!? An ad for ISN'T WWE AMAZING with the Special Olympics aired.

Alicia's out for her match with Paige. Saraya Knight gets namedropped! Nice sunset flip backbreaker from Paige. Alicia stole Frank the Clown's soda. Alicia slammed Paige OFF THE STEPS TO THE FLOOR. Cole kept saying LOOKIT! He's turning into Tenay at his worst. Alicia did her apron-dropping sideslam. Why are they doing apron bumps in a divas match? Paige locks on the PTO...God that fucking name... Alicia declared SILENCE! Alicia just ran away. So we got all the good freakouts on free TV. King called Cole out on not drinking his Dew. They pimped the post-show. MAIN EVENT HYPE! Batista's in blue gear - and it's not even the same shade. This is by far BIG DAVE'S worst gear ever. Roman just looks ready to wreck shit up. They did shit all over the place until it broke down into a regular six-man tag. Everyone did stuff until ROMAN GOT IN THERE WITH HHH! THREE AMIGOS FROM SETH TO HHH! So Tyler Black is in the ring dominating! Ambrose was the face in peril here, and got some hope with the rebound lariat. Reigns got in and told the camera guy to move so he didn't hit him with the apron kick. HHH hit Seth in the crowd with a novelty store monitor set piece.

Orton dismantled the table. OH NO, HE KNOCKED THE MOUNTAIN DEW OFF THE TABLE! TRIPLE POWERBOMB THROUGH THE TABLE BY EVOLUTION! Oh yeah, it's an elimination match. They took Roman out without pinning him. VINTAGE BASH AT THE BEACH! BUT WHICH SIDE WILL HE BE ON!? Roman came back out after everyone else was just demolished. This feels like a random assortment of just doing stuff, and it's much...less good, but not bad, than the first one. They took his shirt off and brought canes in. They caned him to make Roman seem even tougher. Now it's chair time. DIVING SUPERMAN PUNCH TO ORTON OFF THE STEPS! They beat him with chairs. Ambrose came back out and got beat up with a light board. SETH DOVE OFF THE TRON! It's 10:51 and we've got no eliminations, which should set up an awesome triple pin. Batista spears Seth, but Roman spears him AND SETH PINS BATISTA! GOODBYE SONG! RKO TO SETH BUT REIGNS SAVES HIM! Dean saved Roman with a chair from the draping DDT and beat him with Dirty Deeds to the chair! OH MY GOD! TIME FOR ROMAN TO PIN HHH! Batista came in to spear Roman and Ambrose got hit with the hammer. SPEAR! ROMAN WINS! Everyone just looked barely alive after this. They got enough stuff here for an epic war story to be told after the fact.

Screens -

No comments:

Post a Comment