Monday, June 30, 2014

WWE Raw 6-30-14

The title match MITB match was the focus of the show-opening video. Reigns ran roughshod, but was stopped by Kane before Cena won. Cole calling him THE GREATEST CHAMPION IN WWE HISTORY sounds bizarre. And it starts with HHH and Cole talking about Raw being at episode number 1,101! Steph says that she's from Hartford just like these people - and they should feel so privileged! Glorious. Steph and HHH put over Seth as the future and the MITB winner. THE NEON GREEN CHAMP IS HERE! THE ALWAYS-CONTROVERSIAL JOHN CENA! Cena wearing both belts as a necklace is a bit odd, but looks cool. Steph announced Cena on the WWE 2K15 cover AND DANCED! Cena said it wasn't right since they're being too nice since they looked distraught - Steph said they were just concerned for Randy Orton. Cena told HHH to CHEEL MAN! Cena was told to show some respect, he said he'd do things the hard way to not kiss ass, and HHH said he'd defend the title at Batleground in a fatal 4 way - complete with Steph wackily explaining it. Then Cena killed the fun by saying it would be as fun as swimming in a pool of crap. IT WAS A POOL OF CRAP! DID YOU GET THAT! IT WAS A POOL OF CRAP. SHIT. FECAL MATTER. POOP! Seth came out as a reminder that he's the case-holder and he'll  be in action next.

Why is Bonk on RVD's singlet? With both guys 24 hours removed from the most brutal MITB match of the night, they did as little as possible to do things without killing themselves. RVD countered the running buckle bomb with a rana! AMAZING. I demand that counter be in the games. Seth eats a dive off the top to the floor. RVD is looking great here all things considered. Curb stomp gets the win for Seth. Renee tried to interview him, but he was a smug pig who insulted the fans. Dean appeared on the tron. I appreciate Dean always looking like he's finished working on a car. Dean said he isn't mad he lost - he'll make peace with it by preventing Seth from cashing in at any time. Ambrose as the spoiler for him is fantastic!

SILENCE! LANA'S CLEAVAGE IS SPEAKING! Swagger and Zeb came out and Zeb said that the only reason she can speak her mind is because America has the freedom of speech. Zeb said he and BIGG HOSS couldn't go to Russia and do there what she does here. YAY! ZEB IS A FACE! Also Swagger. SWAGGER HIT TWO ARMDRAGS AND GOT A HUGE POP! This was his annual career-saving angle right here. Shame Swagger isn't the U.S. Champion right now. Sheamus and the Usos came out to face the Wyatts. Sheamus telegraphs a flying shoulderblock to the floor AND THEY MISS IT! Bray tagged in and Cole called him obscure. WHAT!? Bray led the crowd in song - awesome. JBL got a chant. Harper hit the spinning lariat on Jey to win - really fun stuff. A black version of Nikki Bell talked with Tom Phillips before Steph said she had a tag match against the Funkadactyls...but since her sister left, it'll be a handicap match. Nikki looked so ridiculous here. Cole hyped up the return of a FORMER WWE WORLD CHAMPION AND CROSS-MEDIA SENSATION TONIGHT!

HE IS AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL - BO DALLAS! He demanded 60 seconds of silence for 2 superstars unable to compete tonight - Bad News Barrett and Bryan! THEY ACTUALLY GAVE HIM 60 SECONDS! It was amazing. He said he was the bigger man last night, leading to an elaborate video on Bryan. Nikki sure seems worried about this match. She almost showed concern. After burying JBL for not knowing a divas match, Cole said Cameron is now IT'S THEBOMB.COM YOU MORONS! THEBOMB.COM! WATCH THE PRODUCT! Naomi won fair and square with the falling reverse DDT. Funkadactyls fought because Cameron wanted the win.

They showed Special Olympians in the front row, including one that looks a lot like Cole. They announced that BNB suffered a separated a shoulder, showed the SD clip, and said he'd be out a number of months - so the title will be vacant until Battleground, when a battle royal is held. Cesaro is the number 1 seed in the battle royal. Kofi's out for a match. Kofi could become a 900 time IC CHAMPION! Or 5. Shocking that - Razor, HBK, Honky, and Perfect held it fewer times. Crowd wanted Ziggler. Don't worry fans, you'll get Ziggler - at the PPV, when he's tossed over the top. King made a jerkstore joke about Heyman in 2014. Cesaro teased a swing, but he attacked instead to not please the fans. Cesaro countered the fulcrum kick with a European uppercut to the neck while a CM Punk chant broke out. They had every match ever, went to a break AND KOFI WON ON THE APP! NOW THEY DO THAT!? Shouldn't they have done that week 1? Cesaro went nuts, threw him over the top and beat his ass throughout the building. They did the Bryan-Nigel post pull, but to the shoulder. Kofi won with a sunset flip fluke. Cesaro chucked him over the table and took Cole out before nailing a sick shortarm lariat on the floor. I demand the Coffee Maker become his new finisher. Santino was bummed about his party. ADAM ROSE BROUGHT IN SOME TWISTED TEA with Rosita. Yup. Give the kiddie acts a Twisted Tea plug. Wise move.

DAMIEN MCMAHON! Vince truly is retired. Sandow ran through Vince's deal as VINCENT KENNEDY MCMAHONDOW! He entered himself into the battle royal and Steph was furious. She kept him in that match, BUT PUT HIM AGAINST KHALI! Chop got the win. THE CROSS-MEDIA MULTIMEDIA SUPERSTAR is next! I cannot even begin to remember what the fuck title they're using for this guy. The CROSS-PLATFORM MULTIMEDIA SENSATION, THE MIZ returned with a great entrance video in the style of a movie trailer, and he's got camera flashes. This is a bit too similar to Tyler Breeze with that, but it's amazing so far. I hope he cites the Calculon School of Acting and/or Larry Storch School of Acting here. He came back FOR ALL OF US! Miz should totally be having Maryse with him for this gimmick. JERICHO CAME BACK! HOLY SMOKES!  Miz said was he just going to stand there - I'M THE MARINE DAMMIT! Jericho took off the jacket, hit the codebreaker and was awesome. He said Raw was Jericho but THE WYATTS CAME OUT! Other than Jericho getting an even bigger tattoo on his left arm, this was all great! And then Cole said WYATT-2J!

Fandango's out to face Dolph, who wrestles Cesaro on ME. Dolph and Fandango had a nothing match until Summer came out to kiss Dolph. Dolph won with the Zig Zg. Dolph and Summer are a good pair visually. They recapped the Steph-Vickie stuff, which was amazing thanks to Steph's slow turn around spot. Rybaxel face Dos Dusts. Stardust has added hopping off the barricade, while JBL is calling them THE DUST BUSTERS! I hope they're presented by Black and Decker. Ryback did a fallaway slam before beating his chest sitting down - awesome. Stardust tagged in and ran wild with a disaster lariat and the double arm trap DDT. Stardust won with whatever his new finish is since that got a win before and this was just a Russian legsweep variant.

Paige came out to cut a promo, which was awful. AJ RETURNED! She got a huge CM Punk chant and put Paige over while bragging about being THE LONGEST-REIGNING DIVAS CHAMPION OF ALL-TIME who rubbed it in everyone's faces. Paige, the face, denied AJ's match request. Another CM Punk chant broke out. I'd say it's a double-turn, but AJ came out getting cheered. AJ won with a fluke cradle after Paige got cocky. THIS RULED! Can't wait for Paige's promo blaming the fans next week. So AJ's not only back, but she's champion. So...Punk's going into the HOF next year, right?

Sheamus is going to have a July 4th deal on SD. HHH is on commentary, but can't be heard. Reigns came out last for the faces, and a fan held up a WE'RE FROM BADSTREET USA sign. Orton hit a chinlock on Reigns. Good move by WWE to cool down the crowd with this match. Bad move since it's THE MAIN EVENT AND ALL. Guys did stuff for a while. Reigns and Orton brawled to the back. Kane grabbed the steps to bonk Cena and cause a DQ. Kane did the throat slash while a fan held up a CENA - WARRIOR PRINCESS sign. Kane tombstoned him and got a ONE MORE TIME chant. This would be the perfect time for Seth to cash in. HE DID, AND AMBROSE PREVENTED IT! TREMENDOUS! YES! Ambrose and Rollins instantly back as main eventers. Fuck it - keep this push and give either of them the IC Title so it will at least mean something for a bit. Reigns came back to spear Kane. He had a face-off with HHH, and that should be a hell of a test for Hunter. They were going for HHH-Taker here with the staredown and didn't quite get that. HHH backed down here, so it was still really good for Reigns as a whole.

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